The Kids Don't Stand A Chance

I had successfully convinced myself that self-pity wasn’t the way I was going to solve this problem called Zack Merrick. I had managed to mask my guilt and shame under a façade of happiness after getting accepted into NECI, and I was pretty sure it was working.

Nevertheless, I had made a firm conclusion: I had to tell Zack about everything that had happened.

I hoped that, after explaining everything to Zack, he would merely laugh and give me a kiss. He would explain that he understood my situation, and that he was okay with how much I liked him: a little bit. Yes, I had realized that my feelings for Zack weren’t nonexistent anymore, though they certainly weren’t at the level that his feelings for me were at. Maybe he would be okay with it, and he would want to keep our relationship going. Oh gosh, I hoped he would.

I sighed, turning off my car as I sat idle in Zack’s driveway. Who was I kidding? I was about to walk into the lion’s den. Gripping my messenger bag, I slung it over my shoulder and made my way up to his door. I rang the bell and tapped my foot anxiously, and the time that it took him to open the door (though it was maybe thirty seconds or so) felt like a lifetime.

His eyes lit up when he saw me, and my heart broke a little more. “Hey, Ave,” he said, inviting me into his house. His arms wrapped around me, and I tentatively reciprocated the action towards him. “I didn’t know you were coming over.”

“Sorry about that,” I mumbled unclearly. “I just… wanted to talk to you.”

“Yeah,” responded Zack, scratching the back of his neck. “There are definitely things that we should clear up.” He paused, and then continued (with a much more cheerful tone of voice, I might add), “Should we go up to my room?” I nodded, and he led the way quickly. The first thing that I saw when we entered his room was the blank spot on his wall of pictures – the blank spot that I created. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I found a seat in his black desk chair. Zack sat down on his bed.

“So, um, I don’t really know where to start…” I began slowly, but Zack just shook his head.

“I know what it is, Ava. And it’s okay. I’m not angry.” I bit my lip, but stopped quickly when I felt the metallic tang of blood. “Look,” he began, sitting up straighter on his bed. “I understand if you don’t feel the same way I do… Like how I told you last week. I just… I just wanted to let you know where I was, you know? How I felt.” He pointed to himself, but I didn’t nod in understanding.

“You don’t love me, Zack,” I said softly.

“Yes I do,” he pressed. “I love you so much.” I shook my head.

“I lied to you. A lot.” Zack just laughed, and I cringed.

“About what?” His laughing died down, and when I looked up he stopped immediately. I guess he saw that I was beginning to tear up. “…You’re crying?”

“I don’t even know where to start,” I muttered.

“Start at the beginning,” encouraged Zack.

“Kylie and I… we were bored, we wanted to do something different. We made up this game where we each had a guy, and we had to do stuff with them.”

“Who was your guy?” Questioned Zack, and I just stared him straight in the eyes. “Oh.”

I wiped my nose with the back of my hand, and continued, “Kylie had Brad Hamilton. Every week or so, Kylie came up with a new challenge. Like to take something from you. Or… or to have you feel me up.” Zack didn’t say anything, and I instead pulled out his carabineer and picture from my bag. He leaped forward, grabbing them instantly.

“I thought I lost these!” He exclaimed, examining the keys and school ID. “Towson was going to make me pay, like, thirty bucks to replace it…” His voice trailed off at the end, and he stared up at me. “You had it the entire time?” I nodded solemnly.

“I wanted to give it back, Zack!” I pleaded, but his cold expression didn’t budge.

“So you didn’t even talk to me because you wanted to…” Murmured Zack, staring off past me – like he was looking right through me. “You didn’t go on those dates with me because you wanted to. But because you had to – to win.” There was a silence, before he continued, “What else did you do, besides steal my stuff?” He asked flatly.

I considered lying, I considered crying, I considered running, but in the end, I knew I had to tell the truth. I was too far in now to stop. “I made out with you and took your keys. I took a picture of you feeling me up. I dragged you off of a girl so you wouldn’t lose the game for me. I stole a picture of you and your band. I –“ I froze, not wanting to admit to the last one.

“Say it,” snarled Zack, obviously already knowing what it was. I could feel the hot tears streaming down my cheeks. “What was the last thing you did?”

“I slept with you.” Zack was silent, merely toying with the keys in his hand. His fingers ran over each individual key, before he clipped and unclipped the carabineer. The sharp clink that the metal made when snapped together made me shake gently, but I remained silent.

“So that’s the real reason why you were getting drunk that night?” He asked finally, looking up at me. “You weren’t nervous or anything. You wanted to make it bearable for yourself.”

“Zack, I –“

“Save it,” he snapped, throwing the keys on the ground with a loud clunk. “Fucking save it, Ava!” Falling back on to his bed, Zack covered his face with his hands. I could hear him muttering jumbled words into his hands, and I strained to hear them, but to no avail.

“I know it might not mean much to you,” I began slowly, wiping the spilling tears off of my cheeks. “But I like you… I don’t love you, but I like you.” I paused, and then added, “And I want to be with you.”

“No!” He exclaimed, sitting up abruptly. “No – fuck you, no!” Zack nearly yelled the last bit, and I sunk further into the black chair. My stomach sank, a lump began to form in my throat, and a strange sensation came into my chest. I didn’t want to be as cliché as to say that it felt like my heart was breaking, but I didn’t know what else to label it as. “I fucking hate you, Ava! You’re a bitch! You – you led me on… you made it seem like you were different. But you’re just a hypocrite!”

“I’m sorry…” I mumbled softly, using the sleeve of my sweatshirt to clear my cheeks of tears that continued to fall. “I didn’t mean for it to end up this way.”

“Yeah, well, you should have thought of that before it did.” Zack responded flatly, ripping the picture I had stolen from him into two. I watched with a hanging jaw as he ripped the two pieces into four, and the four into eight.

“Stop doing that!” I finally yelled. “That’s your band! That was your first show!”

Zack merely shrugged. “Obviously you didn’t care, so why should I?” As if it was the easiest thing in the world, Zack sprinkled the torn photo into the wastebasket, the small pieces of paper falling from in between his fingers. “When you think about it, Ava,” Zack began, kicking the trash can back under his desk. “I’m the one who won the game.” I choked on a sob, my chest shaking and convulsing. “I have your virginity.”

“Shut up!” I cried, curling my palms into tightly bound fists. “I don’t know what I was thinking… I wasn’t ready.”

“And you have no one to blame but yourself,” retorted Zack, and I looked at the ground, more tears freely spilling from my eyes. “I can’t believe I actually enjoyed it,” he mumbled softly. “I can’t believe I thought I felt something from it.” His voice cracked towards the end, and I wondered if he was going to cry. It killed me to think that I had made someone like Zack nearly cry. Regaining his composure, Zack sat up on his bed, staring at me with coldness to his eyes that I had never seen before. “Get out of my house, Ava. Fucking get of out my house.” I didn’t move, just stared at him with wet, pleading eyes. “Fuck you, and have a nice life.”

I stood up slowly, hoping that he would stop me before I reached the door to his room. I walked down the stairs even slower, silently praying that he wouldn’t let me leave. But by the time I reached my car, I knew it was over.

And it was all my fault.