Fearing Death

Jordyn fought back tears as Bryan carried her into the airport, she and Jon dropping her Grandparents and Uncle off after they had spent the past three with her in the city.

“I don’t want you guys to go.” She whispered softly to him as they brought up the rear of the group. Bryan looked down at her with a sad smile as she wiggled to her feet, their fingers lacing tightly together. He swung their hands softly back and forth as they walked slowly.

“We’ll be back soon enough, and before you know it, you and Jon are going to come visit us up in Canada.” He assured her. “I promise, we’re never farther than a phone call away.” He insisted. Jordyn nodded as they reached the security gate. She clung tightly to his hand, hiding slightly behind him as she grew uncomfortable in the large crowd of people.

“Jord, come say goodbye.” Jon called, tilting his as he did so. Jordyn nodded, hesitantly letting go of Bryan’s hand before she could run over to Andree. The woman hugged Jordyn tightly, stroking her hair back and kissing her forehead gently.

Jon could tell that people around them were beginning to recognize the small family as Jordyn moved on to hug Davey who never failed to make the little girl smile. “Come visit, alright squirt?” He asked, mussing her hair, to which she nodded. Jordyn grabbed Jon’s hand tightly as the Toews’ went through security quickly in the VIP line. She waved to Bryan, just before he could disappear through the giant throngs of people.

“Come on, let’s go home.” Jon insisted. Jordyn nodded, her head down and hair obstructing her face as a few tears slid down her cheeks. “C’mere.” He hoisted her up onto his hip, letting her bury her face into his neck as people stared at the two, even with his hat pulled down low, people were starting to recognize the young captain.

“I wanna go home.” She whispered softly, her hands clasped behind his neck as he placed a strong hand on the back of her head, shielding her from public view as they made their way to the car.

“Buckle up.” He reminded softly. “I thought we could go get some paint for your room, would you like that?” He asked, fixing the mirror so he could see her in the backseat. Once Sara had found out Jordyn was riding shotgun all these times, she told Jon that she wasn’t big enough to ride in the passenger seat.

“Any color?” Jordyn sniffled softly, blue eyes fixing on his dark browns in the rearview mirror to which he smiled and nodded. “Okay.” She confirmed quietly. The drove to the only hardware store Jon could really think of, the Lowe’s a few blocks from his apartment building. Jordyn grasped his hand tightly, still a little down from the airport as they approached the paint section. Jon pulled his hat down low as they walked to the wall of paint samples.

“So… what color are you thinking?” He asked as they stared up at all of the different colors. He prayed she wasn’t going to pick pink, but at the same time, he really didn’t think she would.

“Well purple is my favorite.” She began. “But I think I want a yellow room.” She finished. “I always wanted a yellow room.” She added.

“What color was your room at your other house?” Jon asked without really thinking, he even told himself that he didn’t want to bring up Jordyn’s past ever again. He wanted to erase her bad memories and replace them with good ones.

“White… it was white.” She replied quietly. She picked out a soft yellow that would look nice with all of the light her room let in with it’s large picture windows.

“I’m gonna need, uh, enough to cover a bedroom.” Jon asked the man at the paint counter. Andree did most of the interior decorating in his apartment; the most decorating he ever did was hanging up posters of half naked women in his dorm at North Dakota. The twenty-something recognized Jon right away and cast a sidelong glance at the little girl that held his hand as he waited for the paint. Soon enough they were exiting the store and Jon was calling Patrick to meet him at his apartment.

While Jon and Patrick worked hard in Jordyn’s bedroom, covering the existing furniture before getting to work, Sara entertained Jordyn in the family room. Three hours, two stops for snacks and drinks, and a few ruined clothes later, they were finished. Jordyn’ s room was now painted “soft canary yellow”.

“Jord! Come see your room!” Jon called, wiping his forearm across his forehead, sweat beading up as he used the bottom hem of his polo to wipe away the moisture. A few moments passed and he walked out to the family room, feeling desperate for a shower as he took in the scene in front of him. Jordyn was dead asleep, snuggled up to Sara tightly on the couch, arms wrapped around one another as Sara gave Jon a sheepish look.

Jon nodded, shedding his shirt as he walked back to his bedroom to pull on a clean tee. He sighed, rubbing a towel over the back of his neck before walking to his office where his cell was charging. Taking a seat in the high-backed leather chair, he noticed the few files he took home when he took Jordyn home that day from the courthouse.

He had been too busy to look through the school files, medical records and other miscellaneous documents but he found himself reaching for them in his few moments of spare time. He wasn’t surprised to see that she was a good student, flipping through her elementary and middle school grades where “S+” turned into “A”, perfect attendance, polite to teachers etc. He closed that file, sticking it in his desk drawer before opening up the few color-coded medical records. Something about her birthday date caught his interest, he wasn’t sure, but he felt like something important was also on that day… He shook the idea from his head, looking on at the rest of the information.

He was surprised to see Jordyn Hale recorded as her birth name. Blue eyes, blonde hair, birth recordings, finger prints. His eyebrows knit as he read some of the other things before his lips could part in surprise.

Age: Twenty four days. Procedure: Step one, congenital heart surgery.

Age: Thirty-three days. Procedure: Coarctation of the aorta repair.

Age: Fourty-two days. Procedure: Total anomalous pulmonary artery correction.

Jordyn had three heart surgeries all before she was even two months old? Did she know this? Surely she had to know, didn’t she? Why wouldn’t she tell him that? Jon couldn’t believe she had gone through so much as still such a tiny little baby. Running his hands through his hair, he decided that he was definitely due for a shower.

•••

Jon laughed as he watched Jordyn disappear into the fort they had built; he couldn’t remember the last time he did that with Davey. He had just pulled one of his Mother’s hot dishes out of the oven, scooping up two heaving plates along with some of the corn he heated up on the stovetop. Balancing the two plates and drinks in his hands he carefully walked over to the fort.

“Hey, let me in!” He called, to which Jordyn laughed, poking her head out from behind the flap of the blanket straight off of Jon’s bed. Jordyn grinned up at him, staring up at him expectantly.

“Password?” She asked, tilting her head, but eyeing her dinner plate rather excitedly.

“I have dinner, let me in?” He suggested with a grin, to which Jordyn shook her head with a giggle. Jon scoffed, his posture slacking as he rolled his eyes, something his teammates would never see him do. “Jordyn’sthebestandcoolestpersoninthehouse.” He mumbled out, making her laugh and open up the flap, letting him.

“Mm, you made this?” She asked, picking up her fork and digging into the chicken and wild rice bake. He was surprised at how quickly she could wolf it down, but at the same time, he remembered a note in her medical records stating that she was about twenty pounds underweight; and that update was almost a year old, he was sure she was much skinnier now.

“No, Grandma did, she left us a couple things I can heat up in the oven.” He stated, also, shoveling as much food into his mouth that he could fit. Reaching over, he flicked on the television to their favorite show they liked to watch together: The Simpsons. It was still an odd feeling to be referring to his mother as Grandma. Twenty minutes later, Jordyn groaned as she leaned back, grasping her tiny belly as Jon laughed. “Full?” He asked, to which she nodded, head falling back against the couch cushion.

Jon scooted up to lean against the couch as well, smiling as she lifted his arm and put it around her, resting her head against his shoulder. “Are Grandma and Grandpa going to come back soon?” She asked quietly without tearing her eyes away from the TV. Living with the Fogley’s she wasn’t allowed to watch any TV, but at night on the weekends, when they were both passed out, she could sneak upstairs to the family room and watch an episode or two before she got too tired to stay awake.

“Well we’re going to go back to my house in Canada for a week or two in July and then they’ll come down another time before school starts again.” He said, rubbing his hand slowly up and down her arm. A few more moments of silence passed before his curiosity got the best of him. “You know how I have my scar above my lip?” He asked quietly, pressing mute on the TV.

Jordyn looked up at him with a slight nod, eyes flickering to the small sliver of ghostly white skin above his lip.

“Jord, do you have any scars?” He asked lowly. Jordyn removed herself from under his arm and he watched as she slightly raised the hem of her t-shirt to show a small scar under her top rib.

“Just this one, I used to have another under my neck but it faded so much you can hardly see it.” She spoke very gently.

“You know mine is from hockey.” He began as she nodded intently. “Do you know what yours are from?” He asked, still unsure if he was going about the situation the right way.

“My Mom did bad things when I was in her tummy so when I was born I had holes in my heart.” She recited the same thing to Jon that the doctor had told her once. “I had lots of surgeries when I was a little baby to fix them.” She finished, her tranquility and just a tiny bit of sadness made him want to pull her into him, to make all the bad things that had happened to her disappear. “You know how I said no one took me in? How come I never got adopted?” She asked, looking up at him, her mature voice overtaking her youthful face, sounding years older than an eleven-year-old girl.

“Yes, I remember.” He responded, the only light in the room coming from the television, colors flashing all around the small pillow and blanket fort.

“No one wants the broken baby.” She whispered softly, tears burning behind his eyes at her statement. He wasted no time in pulling her into his chest, her thin, spindly legs laying across his lap as he buried his face into her hair.

Jordyn couldn’t remember the last time she cried so much.

Jon couldn’t remember the last time he cried.