I'd Be a Lying Man If I Said Everything Was Fine

I’d been walking around this city for hours, just hoping to catch a glimpse of her. But there were just tall buildings, trams cars, and taxies. Of curse there were also large crowds of people, but she was never amongst them.

I just wanted to see her face one more time. I needed to say I was sorry. I wanted to tell her how much I needed her and no one else. But I’d messed up, and she wasn’t coming back. There didn’t seem to be anything I could do about it either.

Hannah had packed up all of her things while I was out on tour, and she left. We’d been going through a rough patch before I had to leave, but I never expected her to just up and go without so much as a good-bye. She was always the one who wanted to fix things, but it seemed that she’d had enough. I couldn’t imagine what I had done so wrong this time. We were arguing over the same thing as always, my drinking.

I was a twenty-six-year-old man, I could make my own decisions about weather I could drink or not. But she was afraid of what was going to happen to me because of it. I knew she was right, but I couldn’t stop. It’d been too long and I needed it now. It was my crutch, though instead of holding me up it was dragging me down.

I had to take a double take when a shorter woman walked by me. I thought it was Hannah. She dressed the same. Her hair was the same silky dark brown, and ended at her bosom. Her skin was the same beautiful tan, without a single blemish. She had the same curvy hourglass figure that drove me crazy. But the women’s eyes were a cold blue, and my Hannah’s eyes were a rich dark drown that you could just star into for hours on end. Which I had done on many occasions.

I felt a pang of hurt in the bottom of my stomach. God I missed her. I was completely lost without Hannah. She was the one thing I could always depend on; she was always there when I needed her. Even when she was busy she would make time for me.

The sight of a very familiar building gave me an idea. It was a stupid idea, but it was all I had at the moment. I walked into the building and took my usual seat at the bar. I was hoping beyond hope that Hannah would come here. It was the place we met. Though it had become one of her least favourite places over the years. I didn’t even need to say anything and the bar tender had my drink there.

“You look pretty rough,” Fred commented as he started wiping out some mugs.

I sighed and took a drink, “I feel it.”

Fred just nodded his head in understanding; “I’ll leave you to your thoughts then… but if you need anything…”

I gave him a week smile, “I’ll give you a call.”

Fred continued to clean the mugs and talk to another gentleman at the other side of the bar. And I was once again left to my thoughts. But I was tired of thinking. I downed my beer and called Fred over to get another drink. It was easy to see where I was going with this. No matter how sad and cliché it was. I was drowning my sorrows with the thing that caused my sadness in the beginning. It was kinda funny how things worked.

The more I drank, the harder it was to keep myself together. I was a pretty emotional drunk. I didn’t get angry or anything, I was just more open with my emotions. I felt the hot tears begin to sting my eyes. It was definitely time to leave. The last thing I needed was people seeing me cry. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, let alone be asked personal questions about why I was crying.

I paid for my drinks and quickly made my way out of the bar. It seemed to be becoming my lucky day. It had started raining while I was in the bar. The tears were falling freely down my cheeks now, but the rain that was also falling down my face disguised it. I watched my feet as I walked in the direction I came from. I was heading back home.

I needed to stop thinking about Hannah. And I knew the only way to stop thinking about her was to stop thinking entirely. And I had just the thing to help me with that waiting for me back at my house: vodka, schnapps, beer, cocaine, painkillers, and tranquilizers.

The rain started to get heavier and it was soaking right through my clothes. I looked up at the sky; the rain pelted my face as I continued to walk. It was really a wonder I hadn’t bumped into anyone, or fallen over anything. Not that that was much of a concern at the moment.

I came to a complete stop after a few minutes of looking up at the sky. There was only one thing I was thinking about. And I felt like I needed to ask someone, anyone would do. So I settled for the one person I always knew was listening, even if it didn’t seem like it most of the time. I closed my eyes, head still raised up to the sky, and asked:

“Am I ever gonna see her face again?”