Change

Lauren,

Hey darling. I hope everything is good, wherever you might be. I feel like it’s been forever since we last spoke. I understand that you really don’t want anything to do with me right now. I’ve left so many things unsaid between us. But I swear, if you’ll just give me this time, we’ll figure it out.

I hate leaving you when everything is…how it is now. It’s rough for you at home, I’m sure. But it’s hard for me out on the road, too. But I have commitments just like you do. Commitments that require me to be gone a lot. You knew that when we started…whatever this whole thing became.

Jesus.

I need you so bad. But you’re so far away. And I don’t just need you how everyone told you I did. I need you in my life, period. You’re the only thing in my life that has ever made me feel like a whole person. I’d been living my life so destructively until you turned up that night. You remember it don’t you? I don’t know if I ever told you the entire story on how you caught my eye. But I’m sure you remember most of it. I know that I’ll never forget it.

You turned up at our show with Audrey. And you weren’t wearing anything spectacular, just a pair of jeans and a light blue v-neck. I don’t even know how I picked up on you in the crowd, to be honest. By that time, I was rarely picking out certain girls in the crowd. Most of the time I was beyond drunk, or at least buzzed, on stage. I was going down real quick and everyone around me could see it, but no one could get through to me.

When I found you outside, smoking a cigarette (Marlboro Menthols), you tried to brush me off. I laughed because every girl wanted me. I was selling out shows left and right, I didn’t even have to sing the lyrics if I didn’t want to because the crowds would sing them back to me. I couldn’t believe that someone was turning me down and the only way to remedy that was to laugh about it. You laughed back at me, a laugh just as cocky as my own. You told me that I was a “cocky son of a bitch who thought too much of myself.” I was stunned as could be, but for once in my life I was sober while it happened, and I don’t even know what happened. Something did though.

I look back on it and realize how cliché it all sounds. But it really is cliché. You changed my life in that very moment. And I never looked back. Not once. After you blew me off, I convinced Audrey to give me your number. And I bugged you every single day until we got off that tour. And by then, you had given up and given in. So I showed up at your house that rainy night. And we spent the whole night and next day in bed. And I knew then, but I couldn’t tell you. My pride and ego were still too big for me to give in and just tell you what you wanted to hear.

We made it work, you and I did. We got an apartment together and we made it work for those months while I was recording.

And I don’t know what happened, but suddenly you were pulling away. Right before our tour, you pulled completely away. You pulled the “it’s not you, it’s me” card and left me with a broken apartment. You told me you hoped that, someday, we could be friends. Like that would ever happen.

I can never be just friends with you, Lauren. Never. But if you can just wait, just be there when I get there, we can do it. We’ll make it somehow.

Please, Lauren. I have so many things that I want to tell you, and I want to tell you in person. This letter is not the way that I want to do it. But just in case you don’t want to hear from me again, I’ll understand.

I just wanted to tell you that I love you, Lauren Ann. And I always will.

Love always,
Alex

****

Alex,

I’m sorry. But I just can’t give you what you need, but know that you mean more to me than anyone I have ever met in my life. I will never forget you. I can only ask you one thing.

Please don’t forget me either?

Lauren