Trust Me, I'm Lying

“Momma, I’m home.” It was so odd to be back here. Looking around, I laughed at the memories I’d made here. The pictures seemed to capture my life rather well. There were a few of our family boating in the summer. I spied one of Pat as a five year old with a little too much in his mouth. There were senior pictures. They also had baby pictures hanging next to them. When I was younger I’d tried to get her to take them down, mom hadn’t agreed. “Mom, are you home?” I called again. I bent down to greet Cosmo. My feet directed me to the kitchen, Cosmo following behind me, until I saw a note hanging on the fridge.

Megan,

I ran to the store. Sorry I wasn’t there when you got home sweetie. There are cookies in the cookie jar. Your brother will be home today, I’m making a big dinner, your favorite. Love you, see you soon.

Mom

I smiled at the idea of her going out of her way to make me feel welcomed home. It was nice, at least I knew one person happy to have me home. Shrugging, I trudged back through the house. If I was the only one here, I was going to get my crap moved in so I wouldn’t forget about it. And, this way, I didn’t look overly wimpy as compared to my brothers. The trip from New York had taken two days, this being the second. I’d driven too far, been seated too long and had about as much road range as anyone might ever imagine. I now remembered why I never went on tour with Pat. Of course there were other reasons, but that was a big one. I didn’t bother unpacking my clothes. I could do that as they got dirty. I was a college student, I was lazy.

“What are we going to do Cosmo?” I asked the dog making my way back downstairs. I wanted some of those cookies. Something told me if Pat, and his gang, got back before I had any, I wouldn’t get one. Walking back downstairs, I nearly froze hearing the thunder of feet through the house. Great, they were early. I didn’t want to be the only non band member when they all trooped back in. “Cosmo, daddy’s home,” I told the dog as he took off running. A heavy sigh left my lips. I could do one of two things. One, go hide until all but Pat left. Or, the more painful option, go down and face the music now over later. I hated that option, but I didn’t want to hide. They would’ve seen my car. Of course, they wouldn’t know it was mine. They’d know someone was here, and they might search. I crept downstairs looking at the familiar boys. When they turned, I sunk back as his eyes fell on me. “Hi,” I squeaked out. I didn’t know what else to say, it wasn’t like we had left things on a friendly note. As far as I knew, which was probably very correct, he hated my guts and wanted me to stay the hell away from him.

“Hey.”

It was short, to the point. It was like he didn’t know what to say either. What did you say to someone like me? What did I say to someone like him? We didn’t have time for awkwardness. The rest of the gang found ways to say their hellos. Kennedy, my best friend since time was created, rushed forward hugging me tight. He looked so different. His hair was now short, but his eyes were the same honey chocolate brown. He looked older, a small tuft of hair perched against his chin. It suited him. Garrett bounded over grabbing me from Kennedy. Garrett’s hair, on the other hand, had grown a little. His nose ring was now missing but he held his arm up for me to see his new tattoo. Jared followed suit hugging me and, evilly, messing my hair just a little. Finally, but most happily, Pat threw his arms around me. I couldn’t believe this was the brother I’d left behind. His hair had grown but he still had his baby face that got him a lot of slack. The rest of the gang, all the roadies and techs, waved. I didn’t know them well enough to warrant hugs.

“When did you get back?” Pat asked me letting me go. He didn’t exactly look at John but I knew John was listening to my answer.

“About twenty minutes ago, don’t you guys normally roll in around eight at night? Did you all decide you wanted to be productive today?”

“No, we heard you were coming in, and wanted to come see you,” Garrett informed me. He was joking, only my mom knew I was coming in. I still wasn’t sure why I was here. “So, why is Megan here?” he asked. Obviously it was the main thing everyone wanted to know. Only problem, I wasn’t sure what to tell them. How did I tell them that I wasn’t sure why I came home?

“I honestly don’t know,” I said softly. My eyes darted to John who looked hurt. Why was he hurt, he had no right to be hurt. I was hurt. John had brought this all upon himself, and he knew it. I shook my head a little. “I’m going on a run,” I said turning away from the boys. I was glad, for once, to have already been wearing shorts, tennis shoes and a shirt. I pulled my hair into a pony tail and headed out. “Pat, don’t burn the house down,” I called letting the door slam shut behind me. Really I just wanted to get away from the awkwardness I felt between John and myself. I didn’t want to explain what had happened. He should already know. He already knew. I knew he did. I felt it. I heard the door open and close before I could get too far and turning around there stood John.

“Have a good run,” he said ambling down the lawn towards the van. I cocked my eyebrow, I was confused. He pulled his phone out; I didn’t bother to wait to see if he had anything else to say. I took off up the street not planning on coming back until I knew they’d be gone. Awkward conversations, awkward situations, awkward anything, did not go well with me. I ran until I couldn’t run any further. I ran until I was where I didn’t want to be. I ran until Leigha was in my sights. I ran until I crumbled, and started crying.

“Hi baby girl,” I started. I was shaking already, and I wasn’t crying that hard. Not yet anyway. I looked at her tombstone. The dates were carved so beautifully. My fingers traced the number fourteen and then the number eighteen. The four days she’d been alive. My arms wound around my stomach hugging myself as tight as I could. This wasn’t how my life was supposed to be. I shouldn’t have this pain in my heart, not when I was this young. I was supposed to get a college education, get married, start a family and live happily ever after. “I’m sorry I haven’t come to see you in a while. Things between, well, things just haven’t been well.” I hated this part of seeing her. I felt strange talking to a grave. I knew she was listening from heaven, if there was a heaven, and she probably smiled every time someone came to see her. I was certain of it. I didn’t know what else to say. I relented to just sitting there looking at the little grave, looking at the stone. I watched the wind whip the flowers sitting over her grave. At least someone was looking out for her.

“Hey,” I didn’t turn around. I knew it was Jared before the end of ‘hey’ came out. “Megan,” he kept stopping or pausing. Did he have no idea what to say either? “John’s a real mess with you gone,” he said. I stood up, dusted my butt off and turned. I started away from the grave only stopping when I was right in front of him.

“He’s a mess with me gone, and I’m a mess with him. I guess we can’t both be happy.” With a nod of truth I left him standing there.