Behind Blue Eyes.

For a long time, I picked away at myself, finding something, anything, wrong with the way I looked. I hated myself; my frizzy hair, my big hips, my broad shoulders, my shapely waist. I laughed, and smiled, when all that I really wanted to was cry.

I had prepared myself for any mockery that might come my way- so much so, that I think I actually began to believe it was happening. I convinced myself that any guy that was nice, or friendly, was playing a prank, or just making fun of me. In my eyes, my flaws were magnified. I couldn’t stand mirrors; but, sometimes, late at night, I’d stare at myself, trying to find some reassurance that I wasn’t as bad as I thought. That maybe, I wasn’t the monster I thought I was. And, sometimes, I would see a spark of that beauty I’d heard of. But, just as
suddenly as it came, it be disappear.

I’d taught myself to tune out any compliments I received, in fear that I would get too confident in myself. I don’t know why I was scared of confidence; I suppose I told myself that I had nothing to be confident in.

I stopped eating; sleeping. The girl inside of me was gorgeous, lively, outgoing! But the girl you saw? She wasn’t me. I didn’t feel like her. I felt like a self-believing, pretty girl, who was comfortable in her own skin. I wanted to be that girl.

My best friend was model-esque; she was gorgeous, lively, and outgoing. I never let my raging jealousy get the best of me, no matter how badly it hurt.

It’s supposed to matter what’s on the inside, not the outside. What you look like, isn’t supposed to matter.

But it does, and it did.

I told everyone that they were ‘pretty’, because I was hoping, that, just maybe, I’d get it back someday.

You know, I told my best friend that she beautiful on a daily basis. But, for all of the years I’d known her, she had not said it back, not once.

I know that I should appreciate her honesty. But the fact that my best friend didn’t even believe in me? That hurt the most.

I’d always been the loudest one, the funniest one, the nicest one. But, I’d never let myself believe that I was the prettiest one.

For a long time, I picked away at myself, until there was nothing left.