Every Part Of Me...

By the end of the week, me and Alex were going out. I wasn't sure this was what I wanted, but I guess it helped. So much has already changed. I cut myself 3 times everyday either on my arms, or the inside of my thighs. Alex tries to stop me, but I guess I could care less about what he thinks. He does it too, he can let me live the way I want since I let him live the way he wants.
Rumors have already started spreading. Apparently me and Alex have already had sex, and I'm using him because I'm a lesbian and I'm just trying to hide it. Wow, people are fucking morons.

Best change though, Amy officially lives with me now. At least, till we finish high school, which is another 3 years. She sleeps in the spare bedroom in my house now, and well, she's crushing on Alex now too. I guess I don't mind, but it can seriously get on my nerves when she flirts with him.
Amy's always been just like me. She loves being the center of attention for a guy. That's something I learned about myself. It's why I did all those things.

It was Friday again, and I was walking home with Amy when Charlie, one of my ex's, started tickling me. Me and him had been going out for a year and a half, and he knew everything about me, including my most ticklish spot ever. I was giggling like crazy before Amy pushed him off swearing at him.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing to Jayde? She has a new boyfriend, you can stop messing with her feelings now." She yelled.
"Awe Amy lighten up, me and Jayde are friends. Right Jayde?" He said smirking.

Friends? He broke my heart and laughed when I cried. Some friend he was. I hated him, though I knew that if I had the chance, he'd be mine again. But I wasn't in the mood for shit so I just agreed.
"Yeah, we're friends."
"See Amy, and friends, they tell each other stuff. Right Jayde?"
"Yeah. What exactly are you getting at though Charlie?"
"Well, rumor has it, that you finally lost your virginity to that loser Alex. So, how was he?"
"OhMyGod. Really Charlie?" I kept getting moodier. I didn't know why.
"Awwe Jayde, I'm just kidding. You've only been dating him for like a week. You wouldn't even let me down your pants till after 3 months. Obviously you haven't slept with him."
Then next thing I knew, I was hugging Charlie. He had that effect on me.

Amy was then ripping me off him. She knew how easy it was for me to fall for him again. Because yes, when I was falling for Alex last year, I was with Charlie. He was always the first. Everyone knew how in love I was with Charlie. Then, he ditched me for my EX-best friend Sarah.
Me and Sarah, we were so alike. Girly as hell, and we knew so much about each other. She never told me she liked Charlie, so it broke me even more.
After that, me and her never talked again. It was only 4 months ago that me and Charlie broke up. Alex just wasn't enough to make me forget about Charlie.

"Thanks for the hug Jayde, do I get one from Amy now too?"
He was smirking that cute smirk he always did when he was trying to make me mad.
"Haha, oh why not." She said in a joking mood. My jaw dropped.
"Really Amy?"
"Uh, NO." I closed my mouth and just smiled at her.
"Damn. Why not?"
"Because I don't want to."
"Please?"
"Nope."
"Pretty please?"
"Noope."

I just stood there like an idiot listening to their argument.
That's when it happened. Amy was backing up and accidentally bumped into me making me drop my binders on the ground. I went to pick them up, and since the long sleeve shirt I was wearing today was a bit short, it went up my arms as I reached out for them, revealing a few scars.
Alex was the only one who knew I was doing it, so both Amy and Charlie stopped arguing and starred at my arms. I felt my face getting hot. I didn't know what to do. So I just pretended as if I didn't notice either of them. It was working until I felt Charlies arms pulling me up.

"Jayde, what are these?"
He said while pointing to my arms.
"N-nothing. Uh, just, nothing."
Amy started talking now too.
"How long have you been doing this?" She said in a cracky voice.
I could see the tears in her face. I was her sister, how could I be doing this to her?
"They aren't anything. It doesn't matter."

I pulled my arm away and pulled the sleeve down. I started to walk back home when Charlie grabbed my waist and pulled me back. Why was it still so hard for me to deny him?

"Jayde. Why are you doing this?" He said to me sternly.
I just looked down and let my hair fall over my watery eyes.
"I'm going home now. I'll see you later Amy."
I started walking, and both of them just stayed standing there watching me go. I could feel the stares on my back.

By the time I got home. I didn't love Alex anymore. At least that was what I thought. I took my phone out of my bag and read my missed messages.

To: Jayde
From: Alex <3
Message:
Hey babe, want to hang out tonight?

'Just do it Jayde.'
I thought to myself.

To: Alex <3
From: Jayde
Message:
Okay. Come over now. I need to talk to you.

20 minutes later, we were sitting up in my bedroom talking.

"Jayde what's up?" He said cheerfully.
Then he noticed the sadness in my face.
"Is something wrong?" He asked.
"Alex, this isn't exactly working out for me anymore..." I said almost too quiet for him to hear.
"What do you mean?" He asked sounding upset.
"I mean this relationship. I want to be your friend. Nothing more. I'm sorry." I couldn't help it, there were tears already.
"Oh.." Was all he could say.

Then he got up, and left. I felt so bad.
Just then, Amy got home. She came straight to my room.

"Jayde, what's wrong with you!? WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU BE DOING THIS TO YOURSELF!?" She said screaming at me.
She grabbed my arm, pulled up my sleeve and pointed out all of them. She grimaced.
"Amy, I just broke up with Alex. Lay off a little will you?" I said through teary eyes.
"What!? WHY!? I'm so sorry." She felt bad, it was obvious.
We both had tears running down our face now.

I just sat there, I didn't want to answer her. I didn't want to talk to her at all.
"Amy. Can I have some alone time? Please?" I asked slowly.
"Okay Jayde, just don't do anything stupid. For my sake."
I just nodded at her while she left my room.

Once she was gone, I lied back down on my pillow. I was thinking about everything. About how I loved Alex. About how Charlie was floating around my mind like a balloon. I don't know what I want anymore. I want to figure it all out.

'You just broke up with Alex. Charlie and Sarah broke up a month ago. You're upset with Amy. You want more pain. You deserve more pain.'
I listened to my inner thoughts.
I got up, went to the bathroom, opened the bottom drawer and took out one of the many razors.
I decided to go for my stomach. I counted along as I did it.
"One.. Two.. Three.. Four.. Fi-fiive..."
I couldn't count anymore, it hurt so much, the tears were flowing like crazy. I did 4 more, then threw the razor out.
I undressed the rest of my body, and went into the shower not even bothering to clean the blood up off the floor.

After my shower, I threw on some sweats and a tight pajama shirt. My arms, legs, and stomach were so soar. All I have to do now is find out how this is all gonna end. But for now, I'll stick with not knowing.