Take My Hand

Anger rushed inside of me and pushed me to run past everyone and head out the door but I couldn’t go all the way out. Jack held me by the wrist and gripped it to the point that it actually hurt. I bit my lip and struggled to get out of his hold but I couldn’t.

“You’re not planning to actually hurt me more than you already have, are you?” I spat out as I looked out the windshield in front of the bus.

“Just let me explain,” he whispered.

The bus grew silent and I looked away and smirked hoping to God that he’d loosen his grip so I can make an escape. But he knew better than to let me go.

He pulled me outside of the bus where it was cold and sorta pinned me to the side of the bus.

“What the hell is your problem?” I asked harshly as he tried to lean into me. His breath smelled like beer. This can not be good.

“If I let you go, will you promise to hear me out?” he whispered in my ear and I just wanted to swing my fist across his face but if I do, this chase or whatever will never be able to end.

“Yeah, whatever,” I told him and he loosened his grip.

“Look, I didn’t know that-”

“You didn’t know that I’d be on the bus so you’re sorry.” I told him rolling my eyes. “Is there anything else I need to know?”

He seemed hurt by what I said. I didn’t want to sound too mean but it couldn’t be helped. I was too angry to even think twice about what comes out of my mouth. Jack sighed heavily and was about to turn away but ended up taking one step away from me and then turning back around to face me.

“You see, that’s the problem with you,” he said.

“Really? I’m the one with the problem?” I asked and his face showed an even angrier expression as if that were humanly possible.

“You don’t listen to anything I say!” he exclaimed loudly.

“Oh please-”

“See this is exactly what I mean. You never let me talk, you interrupt me whenever I try to say something, you think you know everything I have to say when in reality you hardly know what I want to say to you.” He said putting a hand on his hip and placing his other hand on his forehead to show frustration. “And it frustrates me because I try so hard to fix words up in my brain but you just block them all out without thinking about what I might say because you think everything I say isn’t good enough.”

“Jack-”

“Just shut up and let me finish, okay?!” he told me and I jumped a little. “If this is how things are going to be then fine. I’m not chasing you down anymore. Loving someone entails understanding but you hardly understand me. Hell, you don’t even try. I’m tired of going after someone who won’t even consider the idea of me. The idea of me being human – that I can make mistakes too.”

“That’s not fair, Jack.” I said looking to the side so as to avoid meeting his aggravated eyes.

“Life isn’t fair! Relationships aren’t fair! This world isn’t fair because if it was, everything would be perfect. Everyone would be perfect. Life wouldn’t be as lively as it is now. We live and we learn through mistakes and different experiences we go through but the most important thing is that we go through all of them together no matter what.” He said shaking his head.

I wanted to say something but I couldn’t. We both knew that he was right and I was taking this the wrong way. I was just too stubborn. I couldn’t forgive him because I wanted him to suffer and vengeance never really did anyone any good. I take this moment as an example. What Jack just said was true and I couldn’t deny it. But I guess this is where the tables turn. This is probably where he tells me that he’ll never speak to me again and I’ll stand out here broken hearted.

“So what now?” I asked looking up at him as he softened up just a little.

“I don’t know,” he said scratching the back of his head. “Anyway, just to clear the air, those girls meant nothing to me. Alex just brought them here for some fun or whatever. He’s been asking me to go with him to these bars and stuff and well I’m never really into any of it anymore. By the end of the night, they leave the bus and I hit the sheets without even touching them.”

I feel guilty for not actually giving him a chance to explain everything to me. I never thought a guy like him would be able to deny such a thing. But I guess Jack has always been different and I mean that in a good way. I just never really realized it until now I guess.

“I’m gonna get some sleep.” And with that, he got back on the bus and left me out in the cold.

I leaned against the side of the bus and looked up at the sky. As I looked up, I wondered about how we came to this. I mean it felt like we just met yesterday and now we’re biting each other’s heads off. I just don’t get how I’m supposed to feel about this. Am I really supposed to just forgive him? Am I really supposed to just give him a second chance after all that we’ve been through?

I’m too confused to begin answering the questions that are forming inside my head. I just wish everything would get better already. I never wanted things to be like this and I don’t see how I deserve any of it. But isn’t this somehow what I wished for? I asked for a life that wasn’t routine, right? So does this count? Am I living life to the fullest already? Am I defying what’s cliché and making my life something unique? Is this how it’s supposed to be? Because it doesn’t feel right and I don’t know if it will ever be.

I sighed and closed my eyes for a while. I just wanted to disappear so that I wouldn’t have to endure all this pain and confusion but what fun would that be? How can living in a place filled with nothing and no one to talk to be something good? I’d probably end up paranoid in a place like that. I’d have no one to talk to and nowhere to go.

I was just about to get on the bus when I heard the two girls making their way down the hallway and soon, they were out the door – completely shunning my very existence but then again, who needs to notice me? I’m just an ordinary girl who got what she wished for in a way that wasn’t exactly what she expected. But I guess that’s life – its unexpected in ways no one can possible imagine.

“Come on, I know you’re getting cold.” I didn’t even see Zack get off the bus and stand in front of me but he was. He was holding out his hand and waiting for me to take it.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” I asked in a gentle tone so as not to confuse him. I didn’t want him to think I was taking the anger I had with Jack on him.

“What do you mean?” he found my question slightly amusing. Hence, the charming smile that was playing on his lips.

“I mean shouldn’t you be mad at me too?” I asked him and he rolled his eyes as he placed an arm around me.

“Why in the world would I be mad at you?” he asked me and suddenly my mind just went blank.

“I don’t know but what I mean is how can you be nice to someone like me when I’m not the kind who considers the idea of some people?” I asked quoting Jack.

“What? Who said that?” he asked raising an eyebrow at me.

“Jack,” I simply stated feeling all sore inside. It was as if he took my heart and shot it with multiple bullets all at the same time. I didn’t get how his words affected me in the way that they did and I couldn’t find an explanation but all I do know is that what he said was true and that maybe, in some weird and twisted way, I may have deserved them.

“You don’t have to go all sentimental to anything that boy says. I’m sure it was nothing personal and he was only venting out on you since no one on the bus would listen to anything that boy would say when he’s being all soft and emotional,” he said.

“How can you say that?” I asked suddenly feeling the need of defending Jack. “Nothing personal? Seriously? Every bit of what he told me was practically the epitome of personal and he meant every single thing he said. I can’t just toss everything he talked about aside. I shouldn’t take them for granted. Every bit of it was true and I guess you can say that some of what he said sorta defined me in a way,”

“Whoa, you don’t need to go all mad at me. I’m not the bad guy here.” Okay, I didn’t need this right now. He was clearly drunk and way out of proportion. Well, yeah, it was sweet of him to check on me right after Jack went back inside but if this was how he was going to be then I guess not having him here would be so much better.

“Whatever,” I said getting on the bus and heading to my old bunk. Everyone else was already asleep and I guess it was about time I’d get some shut eye too. I just hope when I wake up tomorrow, everything will be different.