Take My Hand

I sat in the tub just thinking about what Jack said. How could he say that it didn’t mean anything when he was the one who initiated it? I mean he wasn’t drunk. Well it surely didn’t look like it but if he was then that only goes to show that I don’t know him that much yet. I thought I figured him out all the way through but really, I was getting way in over myself. I didn’t like the feeling of being wrong. I wish he’d take back what he said and told me that he was only joking but it didn’t happen.

“So I should just forget about it?” I asked for most probably the hundredth time tonight.

“Yes,” Jack said now annoyed. He chuckled lightly to himself as he got up. “You should probably go wash up or you’re gonna prune up like an old lady,” Jack said in a friendly manner.

I flashed him a fake smile before he shut the door. I unclogged the drain and watched all the bubbles vanish. I turned on the shower and closed the curtains as I washed off all the suds. Honestly, I thought the soap smelled good and it left a very sweet smell on me.

After I washed up, I grabbed the towel that Jack left behind for me and wiped myself dry. I put on my undergarments before putting on the over-sized white shirt and the flannel pajamas Jack said I could borrow. I looked at the mirror filled with fog and wiped a certain part so I can see my face.

I looked tired and sleepy. I could see the bags forming underneath my blue-green eyes. I needed to go to sleep but I wasn’t sure I wanted to face him yet.

I gargled some Astring-O’sol as I thought about what he said before I felt all nauseous and puked. He said that he had feelings for me but then said that it was too early. But if you did like someone, wouldn’t you just go for it no matter what? Didn’t he like me as much as I liked him? Confusion filled my head as I thought of a reason to convince myself that maybe he was doing this for my good. But making me wait only makes me more and more impatient so why won’t he just be the man he is and tell me how he feels?

I want this practically more than anything in the world right now and I know I might sound crazy but it is true. It wasn’t like I was going to get into a relationship like this and then tell him I didn’t want to go through with it anymore. I’m a very loyal person and he needed to see that.

But I guess even if I keep ranting in my head about how much I like him, it’s not going to make him fall any faster. All I can practically do is wait for the right moment but live life at the same time. Time moves on and you have two choices. It’s either you go with the flow or you lag behind.

I sighed to myself as I walked out of the bathroom after making sure that my breath smelled minty and fresh. I was about to go down and head to the couch when all of a sudden, he perked up from his comfortable position on his bed. I thought he was asleep.

“Where are you going?” he asked me tilting his head to the side in the dark. The only light available was from the window on the left side of the room. The faint glow from the moonlight gleamed on his face. His face showed worry and remorse.

“Oh, um, I was just about to go down and take the couch.” I said scratching the back of my head. It was a nervous habit and I was nervous. Wait, scratch that, I was really nervous.

He rolled his eyes at the statement I made. “Don’t be silly,” he said motioning me over with his hand.

I walked awkwardly towards him as he moved to the right side of his king sized bed and made space for me. I climbed on and took the space on the left side. I sighed quietly before laying on the soft pillow that smelled just like him. It smelled manly and good which only made me crave for him more.

He propped himself on his elbow and I realized that he’d already changed into a pair of boxers and a faded grey shirt. He looked at me smiling while I just looked at his bare ceiling.

“What are you thinking so hard about?” he asked me making me turn my head to look at him.

“Um, it’s nothing really,” I said knowing that he wouldn’t just let it go like that but he didn’t push the subject which was unexpected.

“Okay, go to sleep then,” he said stroking my cheek with his other hand. “I’ll be right here, don’t worry.” He told me.

“Good night,” I gave him a goodnight hug before turning to the opposite side. He mumbled his response and then the room fell silent. The only audible thing was the sound of breathing. It was serene and calming but I was hardly feeling any of that crap.

I wanted to break down badly but I knew that if I did, he’d ask me what was wrong and we’d end up having another awkward conversation. I didn’t want that so instead, I just held it all in.

I looked out the window and looked right into mine. I couldn’t see what was in my room but surely, I was feeling nostalgic. I really didn’t think I’d say this but I think right now, I miss it. If I were in there right now, I’d probably start venting and I’d probably end up having my pillow soaking from all the tears that want to come out right about now. It was really hard to keep it all inside but I needed to struggle. I needed to show him that I can wait for the right moment in time where nothing else will matter but us.

I fought the thoughts away from my head as I tried to close my eyes and drift into a deep slumber where all I could see is black. But as soon as I shut my eyes, it felt like I just suddenly woke up.

I wasn’t sure if I was really awake or asleep but everything around me seemed so real. I was in a park and I was lying on the green grass. It was night and the stars were shining above us. I tried to get up but it seemed like something held me down. I looked around me and saw a male figure approaching. It was Jack. He held a bottle of beer and sat down beside me.

“You do know you’re just another one, right?” his voice sounded serious as he took another swig of beer.

“What do you mean?” I asked him looking at the stars above me. It was such a beautiful night.

“You’re just another girl trying to get with me ‘coz you’re locked under my spell,” he said lying down beside me. The bottle of beer he was drinking was suddenly gone and he just stared at the twinkling stars. “See all those stars up there? You can’t count them, right?” he asked me and I looked at him trying to see if he did go loco or not.

“Yeah, what about them?” I asked him staring as he tried to reach for them absent-mindedly.

“Well, those countless number of stars equate to how many girls want me right now, and hey, look there,” he said pointing at the biggest one. “That’s yours,” he said cockily.

I wanted to bitch slap him right then and there but I was numb. It felt like I’d been paralysed. I couldn’t move. All I could do was think, move my head and talk but other than that, nothing.

“You’re an ass,” I said frankly and he smirked.

“But you’re hung up on me so that just makes you dumb and stupid,” Was he really saying this right now?

“Shut the fuck up,” I said feeling the tears well up in my eyes.

“You see, Brit, all those stars up there are too high up for me to reach. If I don’t reach for them, they explode one by one. I don’t think I’d want your star. It’s too big for me. I might as well just leave it there ‘til it explodes,” he said irrelevantly but it insulted me like hell.

I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. I watched my star grow bigger and bigger and all of a sudden, Jack got up and left without another word.

“Jack! Where the hell are you going?” I called out to him but he just kept on walking. “Jack! Come back, please!” I begged but I couldn’t get up and run after him. I was stuck there helpless on the ground that was starting to eat me alive.

The blades of grass wrapped around my limbs taking me to the bottom of the ground but I could still see the night sky clearly. My star was on the verge of exploding and the ground was starting to bury me in it. I was screaming and shouting for someone to save me but no one came. I needed to get out of here. I was going to die.

Chest pumping, heart racing, breath shortening, head aching, this was it for me. This was the end. This was goodbye.

“Brit? Brittany, get the fuck up! You’re scaring the shit out of me!” I heard someone shaking me awake.

My eyes started to flutter and my brain ached as I saw Jack with I think tears in his eyes. Panic was written all over his face but relief took over as soon as he saw my eyes wide open. He pulled me into a tight hug that made it hard to breathe.

What was weird about the whole thing was that I was actually sweating on a cold night and I was panting when I woke up. Was I really screaming this whole time?

“Don’t you ever scare me like that again!” Jack scolded as he pulled away from the hug but I couldn’t say anything. I thought I was going to die.

“W-what happened?” I asked as soon as I regained enough composure to speak. This was the worst hangover ever.

“You were screaming and shouting and it was scary. It was like you were running from some kinda monster.” He said sitting right in front of me.

I sat up and looked at the digital watch he had on his bedside table. It was still four in the morning and I still felt really sleepy and my head hurt like fuck.

“I’m sorry I scared you. I really didn’t mean to,” I said innocently and he chuckled through all the fear he was feeling.

“It’s okay, just go back to sleep and we’ll talk about it in the morning,” he said lying on his side and pulling me to him.

I lay on his chest and listened to his breathing as I fell asleep. It felt good to have his arms wrapped around me. Almost as if he cared. It almost cured my hangover but that wasn’t humanly possible seeing as though my head felt like shit. I let myself fall back into sleep hoping that nothing else happens.

It was all black for awhile which made it quite clear that I was sleeping. It wasn’t soon after I fell deeply asleep that sunlight crept in making it hard for me to keep my eyes closed. But I had to keep them close as I heard Jack having a conversation with someone on the phone.

He was already at the edge of the bed and he was talking just above a whisper. I peeked through my eyes just to get a view of his back. He was now wearing a light blue t-shirt and it looked like he had already taken a bath.

“Dude, I just don’t know how to tell her. I mean I like her, I really do but it’s just-” he was cut off by the person on the other line. He heaved a sigh which showed just how frustrated he was.

“I know, I know. I mean but don’t you think it’s too soon? I mean I don’t want to love her with a broken heart. I want it to mend first before I give it to her,” he said scratching the back of his head.

“I’m sure I’m over her I mean she was just a worthless slut anyway. But somehow the pain she left me with still lingers and I don’t want that to hinder me from anything so maybe I should really just wait until it’s all gone.” I’ve never ever heard him talk like this before. It was amusing and somewhat interesting but the topic they were talking about just blew me away.

He placed the phone down after a few seconds and was about to turn his head to look at me but luckily, I shut my eyes in the knick of time. Then I pretended to just wake up. I scrunched my face in the sunlight as I breathed in deeply and then made my eyes flutter open.

“Hey, did you sleep well?” he asked climbing back on the bed to check on me.

I groaned still feeling a little pain in my head and then sat up and rubbed my eyes. “I think so,” I yawned.

“You still seem sleepy,” He said with a light chuckle as he sat right in front of me.

“No, I just yawn when I get up. I don’t get why though,” I said and he pinched my cheek. It seemed like a weird thing to do but Jack was a very odd boy, I’ll tell you that.

“Breakfast is downstairs waiting so we better get going,” he said getting up and heading out of his room and down the stairs.

I wondered about what would’ve happened if I really did sleep in my room last night. Would I still have that dream? And if I did, would I still be alive right now? I mean I think if Jack didn’t freak out and make me get up by shaking me, I would’ve died in my dream. I don’t know if I’m exaggerating but I really didn’t know how those kinds of things ended. I just hope it doesn’t happen again.

I went to the bathroom to pee first before washing my hands with soap and heading down the stairs to see what Jack was munching on this morning.

When he saw me, he flashed a smile. He seemed all giddy today and I didn’t know why. Was he trying to hide something from me?

I grabbed a bowl from one of his cabinets and got a spoon from one of the drawers. I grabbed the box of Lucky Charms that was sitting on the island counter and poured some into my bowl. I got the milk from the fridge and poured some into the cereal.

Jack was just having Pop-Tarts. I didn’t really find Pop-Tarts enough to satisfy my hunger this morning so I stuck with cereal.

I didn’t know why but all of a sudden, I just wanted to ask him about the girl who ruined his life. The one who ruined the chances of me ever getting together with Jack. I hated her even though she never really did anything to me. I had no right to hate her but somehow, I just couldn’t help myself.

“Jack, who were you talking to on the phone this morning?” I blurted out as he almost choked on his Pop-Tart.

“Um, Zack, why?” he asked with anxiety and fright in his eyes.

“I don’t know, I kinda heard something I shouldn’t have,” I said looking at him as I played with the food in my bowl.

“How much did you hear?” he asked but I was getting really antsy and I just wanted to get to the point already and so I asked:

“Jack, how did she break your heart?”