The Slut Survival Guide
one.
Secret #1: This is number one for a reason. It's fundamental. And it's pretty simple: Never fall in love.
The dupstep pulsated as drunk bodies moved to the beat. There were drinks left and right, ranging from cheap Budweiser to classier Guiness. But mostly cheap Budweiser. Weed was passed around, along with some other crushed powders. A horny couple who just couldn't make it to the bedroom were groping on the futon.
I was totally out of place at this party. I wanted to leave and it was only ten o' clock.
I sat on the bottom step that led upstairs with a drink and a cigarette in my hand. I had maybe one sip of the beer and one puff of the cigarette. They were only being held so that I looked like I belonged.
One of my best friends, Catherine Handy, decided it was a good idea to take me to this party. She couldn't take her usual accomplice because the other best friend, Valerie Fell, was on a date. I couldn't see where Cathy was, but knowing her, she was probably hooking up in some room upstairs with some beautiful boy she had only just met.
I leaned my head against the stair railing and watched my cigarette slowly burn out. I was nothing if not bored to death. I couldn't do parties. I couldn't do hookups. I didn't like getting drunk. I was impartial to smoking of any kind. I had no business being here.
I stood up and made my way to the door. A hand grabbed my butt on the way out. I spun around and was face to face with a sleazy smile. That smile had bright blue eyes and a pug-nose. It slurred it's words when it said, "Hey babe, where you goin' so fast? Party's only just begun."
I smiled a polite, tight-lipped smile and feigned a yawn. "I'm getting tired, so I think I'm just gonna go."
Pug-nose had other plans for me. He grabbed my arm and pulled me into him. "Baby, baby. Stay a while." His hands wandered up my back, pausing around the clasp of my bra.
I put my hands against his chest in an attempt to push myself away but he had muscles that overwhelmed my own. It was apparent that while he was lifting weights, I was lifting review books and highlighters. In a blur, he smashed his face against my own and sloppily kissed half of my lips. His tongue slithered into my mouth and searched around, as if on a scavenger hunt for something found only at the back of my throat. I pulled my face back and slapped him sharply on his. Spinning around as efficiently as I could in heels, I sprinted out the door, leaving him in a drunken daze. As I rummaged for my car keys, I wiped at my mouth and spat on the ground, willing anything to come along to get the horrid taste of Pug out of my mouth.
Bypassing the keys, I grabbed my phone and texted Cathy:
I just got assaulted. Out of here. Find another ride home. & have fun.
I hopped into my car and drove away from the party faster than I probably should have. Speed limits were mere suggestions as I pushed the gas with the full force of my frustration.
Pug was the first person I had kissed since Steven, and frankly, it made me miss Steven even more. His kisses were so sweet and tender. It was as if he was saying, "Tanya, I love you so much" in each and every kiss. Pug was saying "Whoever-the-fuck-you-are, I'm drunk and horny."
That doesn't really pluck at a girl's heartstrings.
I pulled into my driveway and got out of the car. Checking the time on my cell, I realized that it was only a quarter past ten. I knew my parents would be confused as to why I was home, but I decided to deal with their questions now rather than later. I took out my key and opened the door.
My father had his arm around my mother as they watched MSNBC. They laughed at some joke about conservatives and then turned their heads as the door creaked. I wiggled my fingers in a sort of wave.
"Honey, it's only ten thirty! What are you doing back?" my father asked me.
I shrugged. "I was bored." I ran upstairs before they could ask another question. Throwing myself onto my bed, I pulled out my phone.
Valerie had texted me and so had Cathy. Valerie said:
Men suck. All they want is sex. Date ended early. Can we hang tomorrow? I need some girl time.
It was probably a mass-text to both me and Cathy. I responded with a quick "yes" and then went to go see Cathy's text.
OK, I'm staying longer. Hooked up with 2 guys already. (; And I think Sven wants to do stuff...he's been ogling me all night. Can you believe it?! Tell U & Val all about it tomorrow.
Sven was a boy Cathy had an enormous crush on. She usually didn't actually like-like boys for anything more than their penises, but for some reason, Sven struck her fancy. I sighed and wished her luck, as a good friend should.
I got up and started taking my make-up off. The eyeliner was wasted, I realized, as I smeared it across my lids in an effort to get it off. The caked on foundation was only clogging my pores for no reason, and the nude lip-stick was a pathetic waste of a Revlon product. No one had noticed me, and I hadn't noticed anyone.
Although I couldn't do it, a part of me always wanted to be like Val and Cathy, who went on dates and hooked up with boys. But I would always be good little Tanya who didn't get guys. Good little Tanya who didn't have sex or make-out with boys. Good little Tanya whose only real boyfriend dumped her.
But that night, I had a dream that I was everything I wasn't. And it appealed to me.
The dupstep pulsated as drunk bodies moved to the beat. There were drinks left and right, ranging from cheap Budweiser to classier Guiness. But mostly cheap Budweiser. Weed was passed around, along with some other crushed powders. A horny couple who just couldn't make it to the bedroom were groping on the futon.
I was totally out of place at this party. I wanted to leave and it was only ten o' clock.
I sat on the bottom step that led upstairs with a drink and a cigarette in my hand. I had maybe one sip of the beer and one puff of the cigarette. They were only being held so that I looked like I belonged.
One of my best friends, Catherine Handy, decided it was a good idea to take me to this party. She couldn't take her usual accomplice because the other best friend, Valerie Fell, was on a date. I couldn't see where Cathy was, but knowing her, she was probably hooking up in some room upstairs with some beautiful boy she had only just met.
I leaned my head against the stair railing and watched my cigarette slowly burn out. I was nothing if not bored to death. I couldn't do parties. I couldn't do hookups. I didn't like getting drunk. I was impartial to smoking of any kind. I had no business being here.
I stood up and made my way to the door. A hand grabbed my butt on the way out. I spun around and was face to face with a sleazy smile. That smile had bright blue eyes and a pug-nose. It slurred it's words when it said, "Hey babe, where you goin' so fast? Party's only just begun."
I smiled a polite, tight-lipped smile and feigned a yawn. "I'm getting tired, so I think I'm just gonna go."
Pug-nose had other plans for me. He grabbed my arm and pulled me into him. "Baby, baby. Stay a while." His hands wandered up my back, pausing around the clasp of my bra.
I put my hands against his chest in an attempt to push myself away but he had muscles that overwhelmed my own. It was apparent that while he was lifting weights, I was lifting review books and highlighters. In a blur, he smashed his face against my own and sloppily kissed half of my lips. His tongue slithered into my mouth and searched around, as if on a scavenger hunt for something found only at the back of my throat. I pulled my face back and slapped him sharply on his. Spinning around as efficiently as I could in heels, I sprinted out the door, leaving him in a drunken daze. As I rummaged for my car keys, I wiped at my mouth and spat on the ground, willing anything to come along to get the horrid taste of Pug out of my mouth.
Bypassing the keys, I grabbed my phone and texted Cathy:
I just got assaulted. Out of here. Find another ride home. & have fun.
I hopped into my car and drove away from the party faster than I probably should have. Speed limits were mere suggestions as I pushed the gas with the full force of my frustration.
Pug was the first person I had kissed since Steven, and frankly, it made me miss Steven even more. His kisses were so sweet and tender. It was as if he was saying, "Tanya, I love you so much" in each and every kiss. Pug was saying "Whoever-the-fuck-you-are, I'm drunk and horny."
That doesn't really pluck at a girl's heartstrings.
I pulled into my driveway and got out of the car. Checking the time on my cell, I realized that it was only a quarter past ten. I knew my parents would be confused as to why I was home, but I decided to deal with their questions now rather than later. I took out my key and opened the door.
My father had his arm around my mother as they watched MSNBC. They laughed at some joke about conservatives and then turned their heads as the door creaked. I wiggled my fingers in a sort of wave.
"Honey, it's only ten thirty! What are you doing back?" my father asked me.
I shrugged. "I was bored." I ran upstairs before they could ask another question. Throwing myself onto my bed, I pulled out my phone.
Valerie had texted me and so had Cathy. Valerie said:
Men suck. All they want is sex. Date ended early. Can we hang tomorrow? I need some girl time.
It was probably a mass-text to both me and Cathy. I responded with a quick "yes" and then went to go see Cathy's text.
OK, I'm staying longer. Hooked up with 2 guys already. (; And I think Sven wants to do stuff...he's been ogling me all night. Can you believe it?! Tell U & Val all about it tomorrow.
Sven was a boy Cathy had an enormous crush on. She usually didn't actually like-like boys for anything more than their penises, but for some reason, Sven struck her fancy. I sighed and wished her luck, as a good friend should.
I got up and started taking my make-up off. The eyeliner was wasted, I realized, as I smeared it across my lids in an effort to get it off. The caked on foundation was only clogging my pores for no reason, and the nude lip-stick was a pathetic waste of a Revlon product. No one had noticed me, and I hadn't noticed anyone.
Although I couldn't do it, a part of me always wanted to be like Val and Cathy, who went on dates and hooked up with boys. But I would always be good little Tanya who didn't get guys. Good little Tanya who didn't have sex or make-out with boys. Good little Tanya whose only real boyfriend dumped her.
But that night, I had a dream that I was everything I wasn't. And it appealed to me.