Letters From Ellie

Um... where should I start? Saying I'm sorry can't even begin to cover what I've done... I love you. Always will, no matter where I'm going. Probably Hell, since suicide is the worst sin to commit. Or nothingness? That'd be worse. Being stuck in space of nothing? No thanks. I'd have to remember how much this must be hurting you...

You mean more to me thanalmost anything else. You were a hundred times more of a father than Billie Joe ever was, and I could NEVER thank you enough for that. I know you know how scared I always was around you, but I always felt bad for that. I still do.

I was crying while I was writing my goodbye to Stephy & Caiti, but I have to keep stopping in the middle of sentences for yours. I wish I could have just one more conversation with you...

I remember that first day I met you like it was yesterday. You were with Linda in Susan's waiting room, looking nervous as hell. I saw you... actually, I saw the muscles before I saw anything else. I was scared shitless, to tell you the truth. All the memories of Billie Joe and what he did were still fresh...

The first thought that went through my mind was "Oh my, God, he could hurt me a hundred times more and worse." I must've looked scared, because the look you gave me... it hurt.

Wait. Didn't you tell me once that when you saw me for the first time, your heart broke? why was that?... Oh, cos "you looked so broken, it killed me". I remember when you told me that. Those were your exact words.

I remember the car ride home from Susan's, too. You kept looking at me from the rearview mirror, watching me. That sounds like it was creepy... well, it scared me a little. That was how Billie used to watch me. I always knew what would happen if I stared back for too long...

I'm really sorry to do this to you. I want you to move on, but... I have a feeling that will be really hard for you. Maybe it won't be, I don't know. I love you. Don't do anything stupid.

<3 - Ellie JoAnna Armstrong