Letters From Ellie

This is your fault. You know that. Tysen's pissed, but you know that, too. Robbie's a wreck, I don't need to be alive to know that. He was more of a father than you ever were. Maybe, when I was younger, you were better than him. Everything you've done erased my good memories of you.

Remember that first night? I do. Like it just happened less than five minutes ago. You came into my room, sat on my bed, and stared at me until I put the book I was reading down. Wicked Lovely. That was the book. I was on page 204 when I folded the corner down. I remember exactly what we both said.

"Do you know why your mother left," you asked. You sounded really anxious, I remember the shaking in your voice.

"No," was all I said as a reply.

"Do you want to know why?" I nodded, and that's when you kissed me. Forced me down, held my hands above my head, tore my shirt off...

I screamed and kicked and cried as much as I could. You just hit me and I knew to stop, to let you do what you wanted. You didn't do it again for a few months after that, but every time I looked at you wrong or I cried, you would hit me. The memory of that night would come back with every slap.

Now that I got that out of my system, I'll tell you something I've wanted to tell you for a long, long time.

I love you.

Despite how much you hurt me and how much you took from me, I love you. Of course not as much as Robbie or Tysen, but it's still there.

I know how hard it was for you to be around me and know how much you fucked up. I can see it every time I look at you, but what happened is in the past and we can't change it. No matter how much I want or you want, what's done is done. No point in dwelling on the past.

Tell Mike and tre I love them and I'll miss them a hundred times more than they'll miss me.

Please move on, okay? I'm sorry, I really am. It'll probably be the hardest for you than anyone else, but... I know you well enough. You'll get over it.

I love you, Dad.

<3 - Ellie JoAnna Armstrong