The Other Dibenedetto Girl

I actually managed to enjoy “dinner”, but that was only because the awkward silence that had filled the room had gone and now only warm, friendly air was left. I observed as everyone talked and laughed about old stories from past tours, threw occasional jokes Johnny’s way and drank to their heart’s content. Seeing all of this go on, I wondered if this was what I supposedly “missed out on” whenever Jimmy invited me to hang out with them. What was so amazing about Brian being able to drain six shots in a row? What was I missing when Jimmy and Matt talked about their times in high school? Nothing. So, why did their closeness bother me?

My theory was because I had always wanted something like what they had with each other. I had never had friends who were willing to die for me, or helped me when I needed them. I usually did things on my own, whether they were easy or hard. Most of the time, up until now, I did not really care if I was alone or not. I was happy being by myself because there was no one around who would bug me or try to hit me. I enjoyed spending my time at home reading or painting; I got lots of work done when I did not have anything distracting me. However, life was not exactly a walk in the park for me either. When I had problems paying bills, I had no one to turn to who could help me out in time. Whenever I walked home alone at night, fear tingling down my spine, I had no one to walk with who could protect me.

Valary and Michelle had that. They always had all the friends. I only had Zack and Jimmy, but I rarely saw them.

My eyes landed on Zack, who was sitting beside Brian, talking casually together. If there was one person I wanted to be close to, it was Zack. He looked positively dreamy underneath the chandelier lights in Valary’s living room. It made my heart flutter thinking about what it would be like if he were mine. I had always dreamed about it when I was in high school. I always wanted to be near him or close to him; I always offered to help him study for tests and worked in pairs with him in class. I wanted to be just close enough that he would see how much I truly cared for him. There were so many ways that I could have told him how I felt about him. I could have said it at any time, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. Every time it came up, my throat would dry up and my mind would blank. My nerves would hit my stomach; my heart would even stop sometimes when he would look up at me. It was nearly impossible.

Now, he was unattainable. I was sure wherever he went he had pretty girls all over him. I could never measure up to any of them. I would never stand out. I never did.

Zack looked my way as I sat there in my thoughts. Of course, they immediately vanished and I looked away from him. I hoped for a minute that he hadn’t seen me staring, but when I turned to the corner of my eye, he was gazing at me. There was a glaze of puzzlement in his eyes; I tried to avoid it and turn my attention to Jimmy, who was running up to the second floor balcony to jump off into the pool. However, I could never ignore Zack. He was too handsome; too unique; too noticeable to overlook.

Another thing that concerned me was that my feelings for Zack had never really changed. I still thought about him and wished he was mine despite the fact that I had not thought much of him until now. Zack had not crossed my mind in any of these years that I’ve been away before this afternoon when I saw him at the airport with Jimmy. I never sat in my room, thinking of him and all the ‘what if’s’. I did not cry in my bed every night since that night because I missed him. So, why was I thinking of him now? Why was I still so fond of him after all these years? Perhaps I had pushed him away when I pushed them away even though my feelings had still been strong. Maybe running away from my parent’s house meant that I had been running away from him too. My love could have just been dying down before he came back into my view again. I would never really know, I believe. I slunk back in my seat and looked out a window nearby.

It was nice outside, but it reminded me of too much. It reminded me of the night I left. I remember walking down the sidewalk of my block with my bag slung over my shoulder, seeing all the other houses completely dark inside. Everything had been so quiet that night, quieter than usual. All I could hear was the wind gushing past me and the chirps of the crickets in the bushes. It had beautiful that night too. The stars were completely visible due to the street lamps being off; I nearly ran into a pole because I had been staring up at them as I walked in the direction of the bus station. It made me remember how I had contemplated going to Zack’s house and saying goodbye to him. I had spent a long time thinking about it; I constantly kept changing my mind, but I had made it up once I reached his house. I did not want to see him, because I knew what he would try to do. He would try to convince me to stay; that things were not as bad as they seemed, and that once senior year was over, I could move out.

I would have to look into his eyes, know it would be the last time I would see them…

I needed to leave. I couldn’t have these kinds of thoughts here. Not now, where everyone could see me and notice me. I stood up from the couch, hoping not to catch attention, but I did. Valary had caught me.

“Where you going, Melanie?” She asked, sounding so worried. What? Did she think I was gonna run off again?

“Nowhere important. I was just gonna check on Jimmy, since he hasn’t come back from the pool yet.” I lied. I did care about Jimmy, but I knew nothing serious had happened to him.

“Um, okay.” She did not sound as though she really believed me, and I didn’t really give a damn.

I walked out of the room and outside. The cool breeze I had felt before when I left the airport had tamed, but the stars still shined brightly above me. Valary and Matt had a very large pool that had an eerie greenish glow to it that reflected on the rocks that created a waterfall, which had a small cave inside it; small plants decorated the area as well as small gardens of flowers underneath the windows and a beautiful view of the ocean could be seen just over the hedge. I figured Valary’s backyard wouldn’t be anything less of incredible, but it was nice. I could imagine with the kind of money Matt makes, they would have a lot of “nice” things.

I knew I had said I would look for Jimmy, yet there was something a person had to know in order to look for Jimmy: You don’t look for him, he looks for you. So, instead of bothering to search around the large land piece, I sat down on one of the lounge chairs and watched the view. I was beginning to enjoy myself before I heard the backdoor open again.

“Hey, what are you doing out here by yourself?”

It was Zack. Out of all the people who could come get me from inside, it was him. I looked up at him and tried to push away any thought of what he looked like with the porch light glowing behind him.

“Waiting for Jimmy to pop out from wherever he’s hiding.”

He laughed, and then said beside me. “I guess I’ll wait with you then.”

He set his beer on the small table between us and stared at me. I tried to ignore his stare as I looked up at the stars, but it was difficult. I always had a thing with people staring at me, even before I left. It meant that they were paying attention to me and that if I did anything stupid, they’d see it.

“What?” I asked him, a little irritated.

“Nothing,” He said calmly, “It’s just…You look so different than before.”

“How do I look different? Besides the obvious,” I picked a piece of my ginger hair and showed it to him.

“Well, you look like nothing affects you anymore, like you’re numb to everything around you. When you talk to people, it’s like you don’t want to talk to them-“

“Because I don’t,”

“Why not though? Everyone around here is just trying to be nice to you and make you see that they’re not gonna shut you out again. Valary wrote to you because she hoped you would put everything behind you and start over. She feels really bad for the way things had ended between you and them; she just wanted to heal that and make it better-“

“-Well, maybe I don’t wanna make it better,” I snapped. “No one, and I mean no one, really understands what happened in that house while all of you were out getting drunk and fucking with each other. None of you could imagine the kinds of things that went on between me and that bastard, so don’t come here telling me that things are gonna just ‘smooth over’; that I can just ‘forget’, because I can’t.”

“You can’t hold a grudge forever-“

“Oh look who’s talking, Mr.Vengance” I stood up and looked down at him. “Still think about all those people who picked on you? The people who put you down? Huh? Everyone knows that you still hold those little grudges of yours, so don’t start preaching to me about not holding grudges and forgiving people when you yourself haven’t even done it yet!”

“I have learned to let go of those grudges and better myself so they can see that I did make it. You can’t let your past control your life, you need to start living and forget about whatever’s happened to you-“

“-It’s not that easy, Zack. You don’t know-“

“Oh stop with that ‘nobody understands me’ shit. You sound like a whiny little baby when you do it. I know not everybody can relate to what’s going on with you, but stop using it as an excuse not to let anyone else into your life. I bet back in New York, you don’t have a single friend because you don’t let other people see the kind of person you are-“

“-What would you know about what kind of person I really am? You barely hung around me to begin with!-“

He stood up and held my hand. “I know you were a girl just looking for attention from someone who loved you. You shut other people out because you didn’t want them to know about the nice, sweet, gentle side that you have…Still take in stray cats?”

“Until I find them a home, yeah,” I mumbled, not looking directly at him.

“All the people in there just think you’re some bitter, selfish little girl, but I know better,” He grasped my hand, “I’ve seen the real you, and I like it. You’re more pleasant that way.”

I nearly melted with Zack’s hand touching mine. It was so warm and soft, despite all the years of brushing his fingers on stiff and coarse guitar strings. He had held my hand before, but not like this. The gesture wasn’t a friend being comfortable around another friend; it was man comforting a woman. This was his way of showing he cared, and even though no one else cared, he wanted me to know that he did. I shuffled closer to Zack, and he wrapped both his arms around my waist. Instinctively, my arms went right around his neck; my hand snaked into his hair (which really was as soft as it looked) and my head snuggled into his chest. I felt Zack breathe me in as he buried his face in my hair; his breath gave me Goosebumps all over. It was like being in heaven. It was safe, cozy and all around incredible. The entire world and all its problems vanished when Zack pulled me in; I wanted to stay there forever. Our bodies were pressed together in this tight embrace, and as I held him there in my arms, I could have sworn I heard his heart beat.

Thump, thump

Thump, thump

Thump, thump

I listened to mine, going at the same rhythm as his. I beamed for the first time in a long time. Our hearts were beating at the same time, like they were one. Like we were one. I took a moment to look at him, seeing that he was smiling too. I wanted nothing more than to kiss him. I always did and this was my chance. I picked myself up onto my tip toes, and he brought me much closer than he should have done. He leaned into me halfway and I almost lost myself.

“How could you not have found me by now?! I was right-Oh…”

Zack and I jumped a mile apart, which caused my legs to hit the lounge chair and fall back onto the seat. Jimmy stood near a set of bushes, staring wide-eyed at us. We both stared back at him, filling a small silence between all of us. I was sure Jimmy was going to say something, before Brian walked in from the back door.

“What is going on out here?” He asked. His eyes directed at me on the chair, then at Zack, and then at Jimmy, who lifted his hands up in a shrug. Brian turned his attention to Zack. “Are you already trying to sleep with her?”

What did he mean by that? I looked up at Zack, who glared at him. “This is really not what it looks like-“

“Jimmy,” I called for the skinny man’s attention, “I’m tired. Wanna go home?”

He understood the eagerness in my voice and nodded quickly. I lifted myself off the chair, said goodbye to both Zack and Brian before going back inside with Jimmy. Valary shot up from her seat and insisted on escorting us to the door: Jimmy thought it would be nice of her; I just ignored her and kept walking. So many thoughts rushed through my brain as Jimmy opened the door of his car for me. I could still feel the heat of Zack’s body against mine; his breath lingering on my skin and his heart beat. His rhythmic heart beat that moved the same as mine. It was sappy, I know. I might as well be that Bella chick from those vampire movies, because everybody knows what a whiny sap she is. But, I could not help it. I had never had a man be so gentle to me; want me so much, and be so close to me on the level that Zack had been at that moment.

The moment Jimmy ruined…

“So, what was going on between you two before I popped out?” Jimmy asked me as he began to drive.

“Nothing,” I mumbled.

“Didn’t look like nothing. You and him have been switching glances all day; I’d be an idiot if I hadn’t noticed. What’s up?”

“Nothing,” I said again. “It’s nothing. It never was anything. It will never be anything.”

Jimmy sensed the pain in my voice, and dropped the subject all together. I let my subconscious take over me while Jimmy drove. Brian’s comment was still ruining through my head:

‘Are you already trying to sleep with her?’

Was that what they had been talking about? Him trying to nail me? Was that why he had been so kind to me? I tried to hope that I was over-thinking things and Brian had just been making a joke referring to Zack’s inability to keep it in his pants. Yet, a part of me couldn’t push it aside. I had known many other guys in my life, and they had all been the same: They pretend to care for a while, and then after they had their way with me, they leave because they’ve already gotten what they wanted. It was a never-ending cycle that I put a stop to by not seeing anyone. After the last guy-Mark-I decided it was best if I was better off on my own. It was easier on my heart and my mind if I just cut off romantic relationships completely, because they never ended well for me. I always got hurt, and I was tired of being hurt by people who did not care. I was tired of everything. So, I will just wait until the day that my body gets tired too and gives out on me…

Because suicide is for pussies…