The Other Dibenedetto Girl

Instead of sitting in their homes and quietly mourning their mother, my sisters decided that a party would make them feel so much better. So, they invited the usual tribe to their house-me included-and bought tons of beer and liquor to party with.

‘Yeah, because getting wasted and getting nailed by your horny boyfriend are the best ways to remember your dead mother.’

I, being the respectful one, hid away in the guest room of Valary’s house, gazing out the window. People would have said that I was being melodramatic, but I think I had every right to be. Everyone who had been there had loved my mother, and I didn’t, and it killed me. Remembering all those times that she cared for me-the good and the bad- and then hearing Rodney tell me that my mother had loved me above Valary and Michelle because I had been the eldest; she had truly loved me and cared about me, it was just that the booze got in the way. She did comfort me when I cried, took care of me when I was sick and told me she loved me all the time. She had loved me so much, and I’ve hated her for the last eleven years, just because she had been too weak to help me.

Tears ran down my face as I let these bad thoughts rush through my brain. I should not have blamed her for what had happened to me all those years. I only had one person to really blame and that was him. He had made things impossible for me, and she had probably wanted to stop him. I felt terrible that now was when I realized that someone had cared for me; that my mother had not been the bad person I thought she was. I wished she was here right now, so I could tell her all this myself. I wanted to tell her how wrong I had been; that it was not her fault; that I was sorry that I had broken her heart so many times because I was angry at her. I had never meant to hurt her that way, it just happened.

I was a terrible daughter. I had never meant to her hurt that way. I could bet, that when I left, she cried. I could see it in my mind, and I cried even more.

I sat up on the window seat and ran a hand through my hair. My heart was completely crushed. Destroyed. I don’t think I could face anyone else ever again. I was happy I was leaving tomorrow, because then I didn’t have to think of this place ever again.

“Melanie?” I looked up to see Zack walk into the dark room and shut the door behind him.

“Hi Zack,” I sniffed, and turned away. I didn’t want him to see me like this. He would have thought I was weak. I didn’t want him to think that.

“Why are you in the dark?” He switched on the light, and I thought for a moment how beautiful he must have looked illuminated against the lights.

“I just wanted to be.”

I heard his footsteps come closer to me slowly, and a hand press down on my shoulder. It felt comforting and warm, like it did last night when we had held hands. I tried to hold back another sob.

“Melanie, it’s okay to cry,” He said softly, sitting next to me, but I avoided his gaze. “No one will think less of you for doing it.”

“I’m not crying,” I lied.

“Of course you are, and I don’t blame you. If my mother had just died, I would be crying too. Melanie, look at me. Please?”

He cupped my jaw and turned my head to face him. I was a little surprised he wasn’t drunk like the rest of his friends, but I definitely smelled smoke and alcohol on him. I saw his eyes travel up and down my face with a worried and almost admiring air to it. He rubbed the bottom of my eyes to wipe the remaining tears away, and brushed my cheek with the back of his hands. It felt so nice to be comforted this way. No other man had done it before, but I think that was because I never cried in front of them. I had this warm feeling in my stomach that would not go away. I guessed it was because Zack was here, and he was making me feel better.

Trying anyways.

“I’m sorry about your mom. I know you did not like her that much-“

“-Because I was stupid,” I said, letting out a small sob accidentally. “She had loved me so much and I pushed her away because I was angry. She did what she could to make me happy; I ignored her and called her all kinds of names. I constantly poked at her addiction instead of trying to help her more than I did. I could have put her in a rehab or something or tell her how I felt about her drinking, and maybe she would have stopped. I did nothing to help her, Zack. I did nothing.”

That was when I broke down and crashed into his arms. I could not stop the tears that flooded my eyes this time. My sobs were beginning to hurt my throat, but I did not care. I think I did not want them to stop. I wanted to keep crying since it was the only thing that let out my emotions. I felt Zack’s hand rub on my back with his head on top of mine. It was a good feeling. I had always pictured myself in Zack’s arms, but not like this. I had not seen it with me sobbing into his jacket. He whispered soothing words to me; I felt his lips land on my forehead and on my shoulder.

When I lifted myself up, Zack wiped my tears again and looked straight at me. “You were young at the time, Mel. I’m sure there was not that much you could do back then-“

“-I could have helped her now that I’m older! I knew plenty of places I could have taken her and I didn’t!-“

“-Because you were still angry. You didn’t want to help her at the time because you had gone so far away and hated her for not being there for you. You blamed her, which was why the last thing you wanted was to help her. Now that she’s dead, you feel really guilty that you didn’t do more. I understand that you feel this way, but she’s in a better place now and-“

“-And she’s happy where she is, I know this already. I just feel horrible for what I did, blaming her for so long. Hating her and saying mean things about her. She was my mother, and she acted like one even in the drunken stupor she was always in-“

“-Because she loved you a lot. I could see it when she looked at you whenever I came over for us to study. I’m pretty sure she felt guilty letting him do all those things to you, but she must have felt powerless at the time. I would have felt the same way if my dad has been as mean and big as your dad was. The dude was a fucking monster, and he took control over everyone in your house. She must have felt intimidated and scared of him because she was afraid he might do something even worse than just hitting you in the face-“

“-I wasn’t scared of him. I could have taken him-“

“-No you couldn’t. That’s physically impossible, especially with how fucking skinny you were back then-“

“-I wasn’t that skinny-“ I reasoned.

“-True, but you weren’t exactly The Hulk either.” I sniggered softly at this. “Melanie, I know you’re mad, and I know you probably want more than anything to get out of here, but I think the best thing to do is stay for a little longer. At least until Christmas is over.”

“Why?”

“So, you and your sisters can start to get along. You shouldn’t accuse them either, since they were just as scared as your mom was. I remember they used to make excuses to why they didn’t want to go home so soon. Valary always used to sleep over at Matt’s house, while Michelle went home with Brian. They didn’t want to be home. They were afraid the same thing would happen to them. “

“Oh please!” I said a little loudly, “He treated them like angels. He gave them whatever they wanted-“

“-But they were still frightened of him. He could have turned on them at any moment, like he did to you.”

“They still didn’t give a shit. They ignored me all the time. At school, at home. They pretended that they did not even know me sometimes. Explain that to me.”

“Listen, I know that that was messed, but they’re still your sisters. You guys only have each other now, and Valary sees that. She invited you here so that you guys could make amends and be close.”

“What if I don’t want to be close? It’s a little strange that they just started liking me all of a sudden.”

“Because they see that it was wrong of them, and they want to make up for it by hanging out with you-“

“-I don’t want to ‘hang out’ with them. They never loved me like I was their sister, nobody did.”

He was silent for a moment, hurt in his eyes. “I loved you.”

“What?” I snapped. “What are you talking about?”

“I love you, Melanie. You were a really great friend and a nice person when you wanted to be. I really enjoyed spending time with you; seeing your face all the time and talking to you. You have no idea how I felt when I heard that you had left. I cried for the longest time, I even missed school, and you know I would never have missed school for anything. I would be all cool for a while, and then I would start thinking about you: How I would never see your smile ever again or hear your voice when you explained to me the parts of a cell; I wouldn’t see any of your beautiful artwork; hold you when you cried or be able to watch you sleep when we took a break from studying, then start crying again. It killed me because I never got to tell you how much I loved you. It made me wish that I hadn’t been such a pussy and just told you how I felt.”

“Then why didn’t you? Why didn’t you just come out and say it?”

“Because I didn’t know how you would react. I was worried you would reject me because I wasn’t the type of guy you liked. I tried so hard to show you that I loved you. I thought you would take a hint and say something, but you never did. So, when I heard from Michelle that you had walked out, promising that you would never come back, I felt my heart completely collapse into a trillion pieces because the one girl I ever had pure, true feelings for had gone away; she would never come back and I would never see her again. I thought just when I was going to tell you how I felt, you had left. I didn’t know where you had gone or how long you would be there, so I couldn’t come see you.”

He came closer to me and held my hand, “I love you…So much. That’s why I want you to stay, so I can enjoy that sweet feeling I get when I’m around you. I used to get nervous around you when we first met, since you were so beautiful-“

“-No I wasn’t. I had stringy hair and no boobs back then-“

“-Yeah, but you filled out in tenth grade,” He smiled a little. “I had liked you for the person you were; then your looks came along and it made me like you more. I eventually started loving you-“

“When?”

“When,” He thought for a moment, “When we were in biology class and we were studying underwater organisms. You always took the seat closest to the window while I sat away from it. I had always thought you were pretty before then, but when I looked at you to ask about sea sponges, I saw the sun shining really bright behind you, making you glow a little bit. Your eyes stood out a lot that day because your eyeliner made them look bigger, so I could see them more clearly. I felt my heart hit really hard against my chest when you lifted your head up to stare back at me. I couldn’t even speak for a moment; I was sort shocked I guess, that I hadn’t noticed that before. That was when I knew that I liked you more than just a really pretty friend, but a girl that I could connect with and talk to for hours about anything and everything without trying to get into her pants.”

“That’s kind of funny that you’re saying all of this,” I said quietly, “Because I’ve always felt the same way. At first, it was because you were the cutest boy I had ever seen in my life, but then I started finding out that there was more to you than just good looks. You’re really smart and talented; you were always really nice to me; you noticed me when no one else did; you made me feel special…”

“Because you were special, to me anyways.”

I laughed a little, “This is kinda corny, Zack.”

He smiled, “I know, but its how I feel.”

“I know. I would think about you all the time when we weren’t around each other, and my heart would beat really fast when we were together. I was constantly thinking of reasons for us to hang out so I could spend more time with you.”

“Then, how come you didn’t confront me?”

“Same reason you didn’t. I didn’t think I was your kind of girl. I felt like I wasn’t good enough.”

He leaned in to me, “You are. You’re more than good. You’re perfect.”

I spotted him looking down at my lips, before moving upward to my eyes. I grinned a little bit; so did he. I could not express how happy I felt at this point. The man of my dreams had just told me he had always shared the same feelings, and that I really was good enough to belong to him. Little by little, Zack came forward and I felt my heart rate go through the roof. I felt the warmth of his body cross over into mine, and I took it all in slowly. I did not care that he smelled like alcohol or smoke, all I cared about was how wonderful he was up close.

I could see fireworks as Zack kissed me. They were all different colors that flashed inside the eyelids of my eyes. They were exploding high into the air, just as my heart was. Zack brought me closer by wrapping me into his arms; I did the same around his neck. This moment reminded me of two teenagers having their very first kiss. It was an amazing feeling to kiss someone, but not just any someone.

Zack. The man of my dreams. The man I could see myself being with until the world ended, and even then we would keep on loving.

When our lips broke apart, Zack still held onto me. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” He said to me softly.

“And I’m glad you did,” I smiled.

It was the first time I had genuinely smiled since I had arrived here, and I was happy it was because of him. Zack and I held each other very close; he brought me into his lap, placing small kisses on my lips, neck and shoulder. It felt good to feel his lips on my skin and to have his hands around me. We didn’t speak, as the sounds of the party downstairs grew louder and became more rowdy. We just admired each other. My hands went up into his hair, feeling how soft it truly was, while he nuzzled my neck.

“Why don’t we go downstairs?” He asked me in a whisper.

“Why not just stay up here?”

“Because then I might have the urge to tackle you onto the bed right now and do what I’ve been dying to do ever since you came into town.”

I blushed. I knew exactly what he meant. “I wouldn’t mind if you did,” I came even closer and kissed him, “I might want you to.”

“But, I don’t want to take this too fast. I want to take it slow with you, because I don’t want you to get scared and walk away from me. I love you too much to lose you again. It hurt the first time,” He took my hand, “I don’t want it to happen again.”

“It won’t,” I said. “Now, I don’t think I’m going anywhere for a while.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

“Okay,” He brought me into a more passionate kiss, which left me weak at the knees for a short time. “Since you’re planning to stay, how about I take you out to dinner sometime this week?”

“Alright,” I felt my heart burst.

I thought I would faint from all the suddenness. So much had happened in a couple of hours: discovering that one of my mother’s friends remembered me; that said friend might have hinted to something much bigger than he was letting on; Zack confessing how much he really loved me, and now him asking me out on a date some day. I was not sure how I was going to be able to handle all of this right now, but Zack said we would take things slow, so I trusted him.

Rodney should not really matter at all. I’m sure whatever happened had nothing to do with me.

Zack and I got up and headed out of the room, but I felt dread suddenly hit the bottom of my stomach. What is everyone gonna say when they see Zack and me together? I could hear music coming from the speakers; the clinks of glasses and hysterical laughter coming from the living room. The closer I got to the noise, the more worried I became. I began to think I rushed into this a little early, especially since I had just gotten here yesterday; what if everyone saw the same thing? What if nobody wanted me to date Zack because they thought I might hurt him? Well, I wouldn’t. I would never hurt him that way ever again. It had killed me to leave him the first time; I’m not sure how I could do it the first time.