This Loneliness Is Killing Me

“How long have you known? Are you sure?” Alex asked hurriedly from over the phone, she clearly didn’t believe what I had told her.

“About a week, and I’m 100% positive.” I replied quietly as I leaned on the headboard of the bed and brought my knees up to my chest.

I was scared; I had no idea what to do and couldn’t think of anyone else to tell but Alex. All I knew was that I couldn’t tell Shaun; I wasn’t sure how he’d react.

“Have you told him yet?”

“No, I can’t.” I replied.

“Why not? He’s going to find out, you can’t hide this from him, let alone the media. Have you told anyone else?” She asked, a bit calmer now.

“No, I haven’t told anyone, just you. I don’t know what to do though Alex. I’m really scared and don’t know what to do, I just can’t tell him yet though. He’ll give up absolutely everything once he finds out.” I replied shakily as I tried to keep myself from breaking down.

“Calm down, alright? It’ll be fine.” She reassured, “How did this even happen? How did you know you were even possibly, pregnant?” She asked, whispering the word pregnant almost as if, if she didn’t say it, it wouldn’t be true.

I swallowed heavily, “I had been waking up feeling really sick and puking a week after we had had sex the night our parents came over. At first I thought it was a stomach flu, it made sense because we had take-out the night before, but I kept puking for days and I clearly wasn’t sick so I was scared I was pregnant and took, like, a million pregnancy tests and most of them were positive but I was in denial and went to the doctor’s and they confirmed that I was.” I explained, trying to keep the forming tears in my eyes from falling, “It didn’t make sense though, because I’m on the pill, right? Then I realized I hadn’t taken my pill the night we had sex or the day before. It slipped my mind, and now here I am. Pregnant at 27 with his kid.” I replied, choking back the tears threatening to fall.

“Dude, everything will be fine. I mean, like you said, you’re 27, not 16 or something stupid like that. You’ll be fine, and he loves you, you guys are engaged, everything will be fine. You guys can raise this kid, it just means you have to end your career a bit earlier than you intended to.” She replied.

“That’s the thing though Alex! I do, he doesn’t have to but he will! I don’t want him to give up absolutely everything for this kid just yet. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. We were supposed to retire after the 2018 Olympics or something, and then we would have a kid. Now he’s going to give up all of that, and it’ll all be my fault because I was too stupid to remember to take my pill. I feel like if I tell him he’s going to hate me.” I replied, finally letting the tears fall. “On top of that he’s slowly getting back into his Ashley obsession.” I added angrily.

“Alright, look. You have to tell him, you don’t have a choice. He’s the father of your kid, he’s going to want to know and he’s going to find out. You can’t hide a pregnancy, you’re going to get big, it’s going to show, you need to tell him either today or really soon, because if you don’t, I will. He won’t hate you either. If anything he’ll be ecstatic, he actually wants kids, remember?” She laughed, causing me to smile lightly.

I breathed in deeply, getting myself to stop crying, “Alright, I’ll tell him, but I’ll tell him when the opportunity presents itself, I’m not just going to say it out of the blue.”

“Alright, but it better happen this week.” She insisted.

I nodded my head even though I knew she couldn’t see me, “Alright. Can I ask you a favor though?”

“Sure, anything.”

“Cool, um, my first sonogram thing is next week, could you come along with me? I’d ask Shaun, but he might still not know and if he does I’m not sure if I want him there.” I replied.

“He will definitely already know by then, but I’d love to come.”

“Ok, cool, oh and please don’t tell anyone, absolutely no one. Promise?” I asked sternly.

“Promise.” She replied and I could just imagine her smiling widely and holding up her pinky finger as if she was pinky promising.

“Alright, I’ll talk to you later.” I replied before we said our goodbyes and hung up.

I tossed the phone lightly towards the foot of the bed before grabbing the nearest pillow and screaming into it out of sheer frustration.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to get pregnant and I wasn’t supposed to retire this early and possibly ruin whatever future Shaun had in his career. I knew Shaun perfectly well enough that he’d throw away everything for this child, he’d give up everything and I would feel completely horrible if he did that, it’d all be my fault and I couldn’t deal with that.

A new batch of tears found themselves rolling down my tear stained cheeks and onto the pillow, soaking it completely before I decided to calm down and let myself breathe.

I took deep breaths before wiping the tears off my face and just hugging the pillow tightly.

I didn’t know what to do, I had absolutely no idea how I’d tell Shaun I was pregnant and I had no idea what the media was going to say or do, and I was scared about what my parents what say, what his family would say. I was lost, confused and lonely; I had no idea what to do, absolutely no idea, all I knew was that I was scared to death.

I heard a pair of footsteps walk up the stairs as they shouted my name before walking into our bedroom.

Shaun immediately stopped calling my name when he saw me sitting motionless on the bed.

His expression told me he was worried as he sat on the bed next to me and pulled me into a tight hug.

“What’s wrong, babe?” He cooed as he rubbed my back.

“Nothing, just, don’t worry about it.” I reassured him.

I felt him sigh lightly before he kissed the top of my head.

“Alright, I won’t, but you’ll tell me eventually.” He replied, “Anyway, you wanna go out and surf, skate, go over to the nearest mountain? The weather’s supposed to be amazing this week and I don’t wanna stay cooped up in this house.” He asked.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head lightly; I couldn’t do any of that stuff now, not for another 9 months anyway. I’d have to give up the only things in my life that could calm me down and make me feel safe. I hated that.

“Are you ok? Why not? You’re not still sick are you? Because if you are, I could totally stay here and, like, get you soup and stuff.” He smiled.

I smiled up at him lightly; even though he was around Ashley a lot more than I wanted him to be, he did care about me a lot and love me a lot. He’d do almost anything for me and I couldn’t hide this from him, I just couldn’t do that, I can’t hide it from him any longer, it wouldn’t be fair to him, so I took a deep breath before looking at him.

“I’m not sick Shaun.” I replied seriously.

“Ok, so why won’t you come shred with me? You love doing that, plus there’s a lot of powder and I know you love shredding the most when it’s powder.” He stated, he knew me too well.

“Shaun,” I started seriously, growing nervous. My heart was beating out of control and I could feel my throat start to swell shut to keep myself from telling him.

“What’s up?” He asked seriously and worriedly.

“I’m,” I paused to clear my head and to stall just a bit longer before continuing, “I’m pregnant.”