This Loneliness Is Killing Me

I felt him stiffen next to me, his warm embrace turned somewhat cold and distant once he heard the unexpected news.

“What?” He asked to make sure he had really heard what I had said.

“Please don’t make me repeat myself Shaun.” I begged as the tears began to swell up again.

“Are you sure, how do you know? How long have you known?” He asked quickly.

“Yes I’m sure Shaun, I wouldn’t just make this kind of shit up. I took, like, a million pregnancy tests before going to see a doctor. And I’ve only known for about a week, well two if you count this week.” I replied as I tried to calm myself down.

“And, it’s mine?”

“Of course it is Shaun! Who else could it be? Of course you’re the fucking dad.” I snapped.

“Sorry, this is just a lot to take in.” He replied truthfully, “So, um, how far along are you?” He asked slowly.

“About a month I’m assuming.” I replied quickly.

“But you’ve only known two weeks…” He trailed off, trying to figure out how that worked.

“Yes, but you knocked me up the night our parents came over, then I was sick for a whole week after that, then the week after I found out I was pregnant, and now here we are the week after.” I explained, finally letting the tears fall yet again.

“Don’t cry, please don’t cry. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s unexpected, but it’s not a bad thing.” Shaun reassured as he hugged me warmly once again to comfort me.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen though, not this way. You’re going to give up absolutely everything for this kid and I can’t let you do that. I bet you fucking hate me too.” I replied as I buried my face in his shirt.

“I don’t hate you dude. I’m not even upset; I’m just really surprised is all. Just give me until tomorrow and I’ll be ecstatic over the whole thing. You don’t need to worry about anything, I love you, alright?” He said softly as he stroked my hair before kissing the top of my head.

“You’re going to give up absolutely everything though. You’re going to give up your last shot at the Olympics and it’ll all be my fault. I can’t even compete anymore Shaun.” I replied as I chocked back some tears.

“Of course I’m going to have to give up a few things, but I don’t care. As long as you’re ok and that our kid is fine I could care less.”

“But I don’t want you to have to give up the Olympics and stuff.” I said.

“Well then I won’t, but it’s not like I don’t already have any gold medals. As for you, I’m sure you can start training up again to compete for the Olympics.” He tried to reassure me, but I knew that after a pregnancy I wouldn’t be able to jump back in time for my last Olympics.

“I don’t think so Shaun, going through a pregnancy is different than getting injured.”

“How do you know? Plus, you went through that whole coma thing, like, 12 years ago. You relearned everything in a year, I’m sure you’ll bounce back.” He replied encouragingly.

I pulled my face away form his shirt and wiped away any stray tears, “I soaked your shirt; I’m going to have to wash it.” I stated bluntly, causing Shaun to smile lightly.

“No you don’t, I can do it. You’re not my mother, I can wash my own clothes.” He joked.

“Surprisingly, considering you can’t even put away the groceries properly.” I laughed, slowly growing comfortable with the idea of having his child.

“Dude, you have the fridge oddly organized. I just kinda put things where I think they belong.” He laughed as he grabbed my legs and draped them over his.

We just sat there silently, slowly letting the information sink in before he spoke up again.

“So, there’s, like, a little human growing inside of you.” He chuckled as he rested a hand on my stomach.

“Yes Shaun, there’s, like, a little human growing inside of me.” I joked before I moved his hand off my stomach, it made me feel weird having him feel my stomach.

He lowered his hand on my waist so he could entangle his fingers in my right hand, “So, do you know the gender or anything?”

“No, it’s not developed enough to tell anyway, we won’t know until it’s viable I’d imagine.”

“When’s it viable?”

“Four months.” I replied bluntly.

“Who else knows about all of this?” he asked lowly.

“Only Alex. And she just found out a few minutes ago, but I don’t want anyone else to know, alright?”

“Alright, when do you intend on telling our parents though, and everyone else?” He asked simply.

“In a little while, when I’m ready and when everything’s kind of settled in and I’ve come to terms with it.” I replied honestly.

“Alright, one more question, and I promise I’ll stop pestering you,” He smiled, “How exactly could this have happened?” He asked seriously.

“I was stupid and forgot to take my pill that day and the day before.” I stated.

“So it wasn’t because our parents wanted you knocked up?” Shaun joked lightly.

“Oh god no, I mean, I wanted this to happen after we got married and everything, but shit happens.” I replied as I set my head on his shoulder.

“It’s going to be a boy.” He stated bluntly,

“What makes you think it’ll be a boy, what if it’s a girl?” I laughed.

“Nope, it’s a boy. I can sense, y’know, like when you can sense you’re going to land a trick or not.” He explained.

“You’re only saying that because you want a boy.”

“A boy would be rad, but it’s a boy because I feel like it’s going to be one.”

“Alright then, mister future see-er.” I joked.

“We should think of names for him.” He replied bluntly yet again.

“How about we don’t.” I suggested.

“You know,” He started as he rubbed my side, “Just because you choose to ignore the situation right now, it doesn’t mean it’ll just go away.”

“I know, it’s just… I don’t think I can do this; I’m not ready.” I confessed.

“I don’t think anyone is ever ready for this kinda thing, even when they plan it. Plus, you’re not going to go through this by yourself. You’ve got me, Alex, the dudes, although they’ll probably poke fun at you for a while because the whole situation is kind of ironic, but they’re still going to be there. We’ve just got to get through this one step at a time. Step number one being that we actually have to tell our friends and family what’s going on.”

I nodded my head solemnly and bit my lip nervously, I wasn’t ready to let anyone else in on this, but Shaun was right, they’re going to have to know sooner or later, especially since I can’t skate or board any longer, and I don’t have an excuse for that.

“Alright, but not right now, I kinda want to keep it our little secret for a bit longer.”

“Whenever you feel comfortable.” He replied simply, “Love you.”

“I love you too.” I replied.

Maybe he was right; maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. I did have a lot of people looking out for me and I wasn’t going to have to go through this all by myself. On top of that, the father of this kid will be around for a long time, which definitely brightened up the whole situation. Maybe I was ready and I just didn’t know it yet.

“I really like the name Aiden.” I stated with a smile.