This Loneliness Is Killing Me

“I told you so, I’m sorry but I fucking told you so.” Alex boasted, as she made sure the TV was turned off and we both criss-crossed our legs on the couch, facing each other.

Shaun was, once again, hanging out with Ashley at the skatepark, this time with Luke in tow. I wasn’t even sure Mason knew Ashley was spending as much time as she was with Shaun, because I knew Mason wouldn’t be up for her chilling with Shaun this often if he did know.

“What exactly did I tell you so about?” Alex urged, earning a blank stare from me, “Alright, I’ll say,” She smiled smugly. “I told you to fucking tell him about the twins! If you had of listened he would be with you right now instead of with Ashley and I would be with Luke right now.” Alex scolded.

She didn’t trust Ashley too much around Luke, especially since what she sees when she’s around Shaun, but then again, Ashley didn’t have much of a thing for Luke, the only time she did was when Shaun wasn’t around, which was rare.

“How would that solve anything?” I snapped.

She shrugged, “He’d probably feel more obliged to be around and would be fighting with you to take a few years off to help you out.”

I rolled my eyes, “No. I mean, he’s acting as if I’ve caught the world’s deadliest disease and he thinks I’m only pregnant with one kid, imagine how much worse and how much more he’d push me away if he found out we were having twins. It wouldn’t end over that well. I’d literally be in a one person relationship if I told him.”

“Well, you already basically are. It seems like you’re the only one putting in any effort for this relationship, he’s just kinda chilling and enjoying being hit on by Ashley. Plus, when you actually have to deliver he’ll find out about the other kid, you can’t hide a child Alison.”

I sighed, “I don’t know what to do.” I whined.

“Tell him, what have you got to lose besides a bit more alienation?”

“Um, I don’t know, possibly the one guy that I’m actually in love with.” I replied obviously.

“Dude, I don’t think he’ll leave you, I think he’s still getting used to the whole idea, even if he is excited. I mean, in a couple of months his life is going to be completely different. Nothing will be the same anymore, and maybe he’s just scared, I don’t know, but give him some time to adjust but tell him you’re having twins. ‘Cause things will only get worse if you drop the twin bomb on him the second he’s grown used to knowing he’s going to have to raise a child. Just give him some time, things will get better, I promise you they will.”

I shrugged lightly, I wasn’t too sure I believed that. I had a feeling this was going to be our whole best friend relationship all over again, and that relationship certainly didn’t get any better for a good couple of years until Ashley was done with him.

“You’re ultrasound is in a few days, things will get better once he finds out.” She smiled sincerely.

The front door slammed open and the once quiet house was filled with shouting voices as Shaun and Luke barged into the house, Ashley-less.

“Hey babe.” Luke smiled at Alex as he hugged her from behind and kissed her cheek as Shaun made his way into the kitchen; mostly likely to get a bottle of water.

I smiled softly and lightly bit my lip; I missed when Shaun and I had what they had. It made my heart wrench, I missed that so much, and I’d give anything to have what we once had. We, well I was more happy when we were like that. I felt like Shaun was slowly becoming a stranger in my own home. The guy I had fallen in love with was slowly pushing himself away from me and I wasn’t too sure how much longer I could deal with it. I missed him, and I needed him the most right now and he wasn’t there for me like he had promised he would be. I was stuck in a one sided relationship, whether or not Shaun agreed.

I missed the days were Shaun and I would lounge around the house lazily, but with one another, and we’d both be perfectly content. I missed being able to tell him anything and to talk to him endlessly. I missed how he used to call me ‘babe’ or ‘baby’, no matter how much I hated it. Now it was always ‘dude’, and I don’t mind it when he called me that from time to time, but not all the time; we weren’t on a friend’s basis anymore.

I missed waking up naked curled up next to him and in his arms, now it was almost like we slept on two different beds, I felt like he couldn’t even look at me anymore, I felt like the most unattractive person ever. I just missed everything we used to have before Ashley was around and before I got pregnant. Each and every little thing he did that I took for granted I missed more than anything, his cockiness, his sometimes-inflated ego, his perverseness, his constant need to get laid, his odd sense of humor, his hugs, my fingers through his hair, his smile, his laugh, his touch, his kisses, his child like antics. I missed everything about him.

I hated that he had basically become this stranger that I was almost forced to share a bed and home with, I hated knowing that I almost knew nothing about him anymore, I hated knowing I was slowly losing him and there really was nothing I could do about it, no matter how hard I tried. I was going to lose him if he wasn’t going to put any effort into this, and no matter how much I tried to show him this, things remained the same.