This Loneliness Is Killing Me

“I say we just tell the media.” I said to Shaun when he sat down next to me on the couch after our agents had called us yet again to try and per sway us to go on live television to explain everything.

The media already knew everything, and we can’t necessarily hide two kids, so we might as well let everyone in. Plus, if we fought this I knew more drama would stir up in between us somehow and we’d end up not together at all in the end and then Ashley would just win, it would be what she wanted.

“Why?” He asked, slightly taken aback.

I was already a good three, almost four, months pregnant now and it wasn’t too hard to tell, yet it wasn’t too easy either. It just kinda looked like I was starting to show if I was only carrying one kid.

“Well, I don’t know Shaun, maybe because the whole world already knows and we can’t hide kids forever, might as well get it over with. Plus, I can only see bad things going down and a lot more drama.” I replied honestly.

Shaun sighed lightly as he ruffled his hair and slouched a bit as he rested his arms on his legs.

I was definitely asking a lot from him and he was sacrificing a lot for me, and we weren’t even getting married anymore. He just loved me enough to wanna skip town for nine months to try and go through this with the least amount of stress as possible, and now I’m asking him to take us both back to L.A. to tell everyone everything. Even though I told him not to give up any sport, he still did. This was his skateboarding season and he couldn’t even practice, and he never went out to use his halfpipe, he stayed home with me. It really made me think if calling off our engagement really was such a good idea after all.

I could easily say it wasn’t. Shaun was there for me a lot more than when he was distant and not around for me. Calling everything off was a bad move on my part and Shaun didn’t deserve it.

“You okay?” Shaun asked me, waking me from my internal monologue.

“Um ya; just thinking.” I smiled softly.

“About…?” He urged as he shoved me lightly.

“Nothing.”

He looked at me blankly before speaking, “Alright, well, are you sure you want to do this?” He asked quizzically.

“100% sure. We can’t really hide this.” I smiled.

“Alright, well, if you think this is the right thing to do then we’ll do this.” He smiled. “Are we going to stay in L.A, or are we coming back here?”

I shrugged lightly, “Your decision I guess. I’m fine with anything. I don’t really care all that much about where the kids are born.” I slightly lied.

I did care a bit about where they would be born, I wanted them to be born in the same state as me, but I knew asking Shaun to go out to L.A., to come back to Silverton to stay away from the paparazzi to then go back to L.A to deliver would be a lot to ask. I had already asked so much from him, and, on top of that, I called off the wedding. I couldn’t ask him for more, I already felt horrible enough about making him give up any form of boarding, which he chose to give up for the most part, and I knew he was still a bit bitter about no longer getting married.

Calling everything off was easily the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I regret doing that a lot, and I wish I could fix everything, but, truth be told, I don’t know how to fix it.

“Well, we could always go there then jet back here, less stress and stuff, y’know what I mean?”

I nodded my head, “Sure.”

“We could even go back and have them there, so they’re, like, from California. If you want to.”

“You want them to be from Carlsbad, don’t you?” I teased.

“Maybe just a little bit.” He laughed.

I smiled at him and laughed lightly, “Alright, we can do that.”

“Sick.” He replied simply before he wrapped his arm around me so I could use his shoulder as a pillow.

“Love you, I really do.” I stated, resisting the urge to tell him that calling everything off was a horrible mistake and that I didn’t mean it.

I had been with him for so long that I just didn’t want to be his girlfriend anymore, I wanted to be more than that but we both blew it and it was clear that neither of us really knew how to fix this problem.

“Love you too.” He replied happily before kissing the top of my head.