This Loneliness Is Killing Me

My prediction was quickly proven wrong when Shaun immediately pressed me for questions on the whole plane ride home.

“You still love me.” He sang with a smile.

“I never didn’t love you Shaun.” I replied with a laugh, “I’ll love you no matter what dude.”

“Yes, but, you regret calling off the wedding.” He smiled triumphantly.

“Of course I do. I never didn’t regret it, I just didn’t realize I regretted it ‘til recently.” I explained as I grabbed my issue of Rocksound magazine out of my carry on bag to distract myself.

“So why not call everything back on?” He asked simply.

“Because that would be counter productive and be foolish of me to get engaged with you again so quickly.” I replied a bit quieter as I flipped through my magazine.

“What’s that supposed to mean? Counter productive?” He asked, taking it offensively. “We’ve been together for five years! How’s that going to be counter productive? Especially with two kids on the way?” He asked growing slightly angry seeing as he had to force himself to keep his voice down.

“Because you were infatuated with Ashley and ignored me on a daily basis, remember? I had to wait a good month before telling you I was pregnant, if you hadn’t been so in love with her I could’ve told you right away. The only reason I called off the wedding was so you would wake up and realize what you were doing and that worked, if I got back with you now everything will quickly go back to normal.” I replied growing frustrated with Shaun as I tossed my magazine beside me.

“Not true.” He mumbled.

“Yes it is. You know perfectly well you could do just about anything and I’d still be around waiting for you.”

“I wanna get married to you though.” He whined like a five year old.

“Why are you so immature? Just wait it out. I want to marry you but not now.” I replied simply.

“Sorry, wouldn’t want your plan to backfire.” He replied bitterly before he turned to look out the window.

Maybe I was wrong, maybe my prediction was right, because knowing Shaun, he was going to ignore me until I apologize or if something comes up in which he has to apologize first.

I still felt absolutely horrible for having to put Shaun through all of this. He loved me so much, and it showed considering everything he was giving up for me and I definitely put how he felt about me on the backburner. He’d do absolutely anything for me and I know he doesn’t intentionally try to ignore me and I just keep making him feel like shit. I was treating him the way he treated me all those years ago when he wouldn’t drop Ashley. It wasn’t really fair of me at all to put him through this, especially after being with him for five whole years and nothing going wrong. The second something went wrong I did the worst possible thing ever and he didn’t deserve it. He had been the perfect boyfriend towards me for five years straight and I shouldn’t be putting him through any of this whatsoever.

The rest of the plane ride home consisted of no talking in between Shaun and I and me beating myself up for what I’m putting him through that he didn’t deserve.

I know I owed him a hardcore apology and that I really should call everything back on, and I had made it my official task to make it happen, although I wasn’t too sure anymore if Shaun was up for it, seeing s he was still actually angry with me.

Through the five years we’ve been together we have fought, about stupid little things that only lasted an hour or so, but never about anything as big as this that could keep Shaun from talking to me for four straight hours. That made me really nervous because I didn’t know what to do, we hadn’t been in fights like this for years and we haven’t been in a fight like this where we were actually dating each other. I was scared and I know that the only way to fix this was to fix this myself because it was my fault.