I Finally Fell in Love, I Fell So Hard That I'm Killing Myself

I turned to my wonderful girlfriend in the seat beside me. She was staring at the building we parked in front of.
“It’s okay Savannah. You’ll be fine and just remember, I’ll always be there for you,” I said gently and placed my hand over hers. She looked at me and I could see the fear that she was trying to hide in her eyes. I gave her a small peck and then she sighed,
“Better get this over and done with…” I smiled.
“That’s my Savannah,” I said. I stepped out of the car and quickly dashed around the other side of the car to her door. I opened it and she laughed,
“Will, I’m not an invalid. I can open a door you know.”
“I don’t care, I want this to be an easy trip,” I said. Her eyes clouded for a second and then cleared and smiled sadly.
“Everything’s gonna be okay. I promise,” I said. She looked at me and said,
“You can’t promise me that.” I gently held her hands in mine and locked our fingers together.
“Yes I can. If we are together we can accomplish anything. And I would go to the ends of the Earth for you,” I said. I rested my forehead on hers and she looked up at me. I pulled back slightly and kissed the tip of her nose, making her smile. I bowed low like a gentleman and gave her my arm.
“Shall we?” I asked with a fake English accent. She laughed and then took my arm.
“We shall,” she said. I pulled my arm away and wrapped it around her waist and I quickly picked her up bridal style. She squealed and wrapped her arms around my neck.
“William!” She laughed. I spun in circles making her squeal and laugh again. When I stopped I looked around and saw an elderly couple walking by smiling and shaking their heads. I looked at her sheepishly and she shrugged with one shoulder. We looked up at the building and she bit her lip.
“Now to enter and stay positive in that death trap,” she muttered.
“We have each other, and you will make it out alive,” I said and I began to walk off holding her in my arms.

I walked into the waiting room and I set Savannah down in a chair.
“I’ll be back in a sec,” I promised and I walked up to the desk. I had barely opened my mouth when I heard people yelling for help. I whirled around and my eyes locked onto Savannah immediately.
“Savannah!” I yelled. I sprinted to her side. I fell to the ground beside her body and I gently began to tap her face.
“Savannah, Savannah, Savannah…oh please, please wake up!” I whispered desperately. She was slumped over the hospital chairs, out cold.
“Please, please, please wake up,” I begged. She moaned quietly and her eyes fluttered open.
“Will?” She croaked. I placed my hand gently onto her cheek.
“Will…” She moaned and then her eyes rolled into the back of her head.
“Savannah!” I yelled.
“Move! Out of the way!” I heard several people yell and a gurney, bed thing came up. I picked up Savannah and I gently lay her on the bed thing. I reached out to brush the hair out of her face but the bed was quickly rolled away.
“Hey!” I called out. A man in a long white coat walked after them. I ran up to him and yelled angrily,
“Hey! That’s my fucking girlfriend! Where the hell do you think you’re taking her?!” He turned to me and said,
“Mr. Beckett, please. You must wait outside.” Then he turned and continued following her. I stood there looking forlornly at Savannah.
I bit my lip anxiously as I waited outside Savannah’s room. I needed a friend. I pulled my phone out and I dialed a number I knew well.
“Sorry, I know I’m a sexy stud and all but—”
“It’s William,” I said quietly in a thick voice.
“Hey Bill, what’s up?”
Tears started to leak out of my eyes and a boulder formed in my throat.
“William? I’m starting to worry now…”
I forced the boulder to move from my throat and I croaked,
“Savannah’s in hospital.”
The boulder dropped to my gut where it slowly began to sink and the air left my lungs as my chest constricted.
“Shit, man I’ll be there as soon as I can okay?”
“Thank you…I knew I could count on you,” I whispered.
“Anytime Billy Becks. Talk to you soon.”
I hung up and I leant against the wall when it hit me.
Savannah’s in hospital.
My knees buckled and collapsed to the floor. My Savannah, my beautiful, amazing, special Savannah was in hospital. Which meant it was so bad she was dying. Not just emotionally and mentally, physically too, all of her was going to a place where I couldn’t follow. My vision blurred and I closed my eyes. Every moment I’d ever spent with Savannah flashed before my eyes, like a movie. Ever since the first time I ever saw Savannah, to her being wheeled away, just 15 minutes ago. Every moment with her I’d taken for granted manifested itself.

Tears flowed down my face in a never ending river. This may be a bit pathetic for a 25 year old to be crying so much but she was all I had. She kept me alive. She was The One. I could feel it in the core of my bones. She had wormed her way into my life that night and made herself comfortable in the deepest and darkest region of my heart and warmed it up. Every time her name was mentioned warmth radiated from that area and warmed me up to the tip of my toes. Her beauty was…she wasn’t just beautiful, she was stunning. She glowed and shined. She was perfect, she was my everything and all of that could be taken away from me, and I hadn’t even told her I loved her! If she died…I would too.

“Mr. Beckett?” The doctor came out and asked. My head shot up instantly. The doctor’s face was grave. I gulped but tried to cheer myself up, all doctor’s faces were grim and grave. No need to get all worked up. Despite my best efforts though, my nerves were having fits as I walked into the doctor’s room.
“Any news on Savannah?” I asked anxiously.
“Yes. And it’s not good. She should’ve come in earlier. Maybe then she would’ve had a chance,” he said. My heart stopped beating and my head started to spin. I felt the blood rush from my face and I whispered,
“She’s…d-dead?” I choked on the word and the doctor looked at me and said,
“No.” I gave a breath of relief and my heart started beating again.
“But she has 36 hours at most.”

My good, relieved mood immediately plummeted. My throat closed up and my vision blurred. I put my head in my hands and I cried uncontrollably. How could this happen to my Savannah?
“May I see her?” I choked out. The doctor nodded and I rushed out of that room and to Savannah’s door, but stopped in front of it. I was scared, what would I find in there? Would she be hooked up to a life monitor? Would she have heaps of tubes? How would she look? Would she still look like Savannah? I scolded myself for being so silly and wiped the tears off my face. I composed my face and then put my slightly shaking hand on the lever and opened the door.

My breath caught and my heart swelled. My Savannah was lying there, sleeping peacefully with only an IV. I walked to her side and rested my hand gently on her cheek. Her eyes fluttered open and she looked up at me sleepily.
“Will?” She asked.
“Yeah sweetheart?” I asked. She smiled warmly and whispered,
“All the pain has gone now. I don’t feel the pain anymore. It feels wonderful not to.” My heart ached for her. I didn’t know she always felt pain. The tears I’d been trying to hold back started to slip through the cracks of the dam. A few spare tears slid down my face and onto hers.
“They told you,” she said. I nodded. She sighed and said,
“I’m so sorry.” I crawled onto the bed next to her and held her gently in my arms.
“Baby don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault,” I murmured gently in her ear. Tears began to fall from her eyes and my heart broke. I hated to see her cry. She pressed her face into my chest and I rested my head on hers as we both cried.

I held her close to me like there was no tomorrow, and truthfully, there probably wasn’t for Savannah. Both our bodies trembled as huge sobs wracked through us. My dam of tears was breaking and tumbling down my face. My heart was breaking with every passing moment. With every moment passing my heart was slowly blackening and my blood was going down the same path. I felt like I was the one dying, not her. And I would gladly take her place. I would die for her.
“I don’t want to die,” she choked out. I closed my eyes and pressed my face into her hair.
“William…I’m scared, will you…will you…hold my hand…at the end?” She asked quietly. She looked up at me and I felt sadder. Her breath taking blue eyes were wide and brimmed with tears, giving her a fragile child-like expression. Her soft mouth, normally stretched into a smile that could make even the darkest corners light up was now turned down at the corners and it broke my heart even more to see her so upset.
“I’ll be there,” I murmured. She gave me a weak smile and whispered,
“Thank you.” She rested her head on my chest and lay there.
“I’ll help you find your way
every moment you’re awake.
You know I’ll stay,
even in your dreams.
I’ll pull the stars down from the heavens
to fill your empty skies
I’m yours tonight.
I’m yours tonight…”
I sang softly. Her hand moved to take mine and she whispered,
“Can you sing to me?” I nodded and began singing the whole song and every other song that applied to her.

Savannah had been sleeping awhile and I had stayed right where I was holding her close to me. That was when Savannah cried out. I jumped in fright as she writhed in pain. Her fists clenched as her back arched and her muscles tightened. Fear settled in my stomach. I had no idea what to do or what was happening. I gently took her clenched fists in my hands and I whispered,
“Take my hands.” She didn’t reply but I felt her hands grip onto mine. I intertwined our fingers and I felt a slight dampness on my hands and I looked down to see blood in crescents from her hands. I bit my lip, she’d cut herself with her nails when she’d clenched her fists.

That’s when the machine monitoring her heart rate began to beep slower. My heart dropped to my feet and I cried out,
“NO!”
This couldn’t be happening. Not now. I pulled out from underneath Savannah and I lay over her, resting my body weight on my arms which were beside her head.
“Baby, no! You can win this! I will not let you give up. You’re not a coward. Please baby. You’re strong! Remember, we’re going to grow old together and have heaps of children and grandchildren and—”
I was babbling but I was terrified of losing her. I’d been cut off by Savannah’s finger touching my lips. Her eyes no longer blank and full of pain looked up at me with a tender gentleness, full of love.
“William, my wonderful William. My knight. You’ve kept me going even when I thought I should’ve, could’ve, laid down and died. You are my savior. But now it’s time to let go. It’s my time. Finally here is my chance for no pain. This sounds so selfish, but I’ve lived a life full of pain and now I want to take this chance at no pain. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to leave you and the time spent with you has been the best part of my short life…but there has always been that pain. I’ve never told you or shown you this pain because you’ve been burdened enough as it is. I would love to grow old with you and have the white picket fence home, complete with the annoying grandchildren and rocking chair, but dreams don’t always come true,” she said. Tears were in both of our eyes and I whispered,
“I love you.” She looked at me and then smiled a smile brighter than her normal one and she whispered,
“I love you too. And I can die happy knowing that.” Her eyes started to flutter and I was all choked up. I knew a life without her was no life.
“I love you, and I promise I will find a way to get back to you,” I said, sealing my fate. She tried to say something but I sang softly,
“So shut your eyes,
Kiss me goodbye
And sleep…”
I gently kissed her lips and I felt her lightly press back and then I pulled away. I then began to sing the chorus of I’m Yours Tonight. Her heart continued to slow and when I finished singing the chorus she breathed out one last time and then one long, monotonous beep rang through room.
“Time of death: 4:32 pm,” croaked a doctor.

I touched her soft skin which was still warm one last time before climbing off the bed. I looked up at the nurse said,
“That was the most touching goodbye I’ve ever seen.” I nodded numbly.
“I’m just…I’m just…” I stuttered. I didn’t know what to do now. Nothing was the same. Everything was different. I felt…strange. Empty…no not empty. I felt pain. Dear God! Waves of unrelenting, unwavering pain! It coursed through my body and I gasped.
“Of course, if you want to go grab a breath of fresh air then go, we understand,” the nurse said sympathetically. I looked at her. She had no idea of the pain and what I was going through. I turned away and walked to the door. I opened it and paused and looked back. They were covering her body with a sheet. I sighed and walked out of the room. The door slammed shut, the bang ringing out in an ominous manner. I looked around and I could see nurses bustling by, doctors chatting and laughing, doctors delivering good and bad news to people. I watched as one doctor exited out of a room and walked to a small family. He said something to then and their grief stricken faces faded into relief. I felt my heart rate accelerate and my fists clenched involuntarily. My breath came faster and my teeth ground together as rage coursed through me. How come Savannah had to die?! She didn’t deserve to die! She was a beautiful, caring, kind angel! We need more people like her to fix up this ruined world.

Blinded by rage and grief I stormed over to that family and I started yelling at them and the doctor. I had no idea what I was saying; I was just screaming whatever I could. The family was starting to get upset and I could see that, I just didn’t care. I was upset! I had just lost my best friend, my lover, my other half, my…soul mate. That’s what best described us. Soul mates. Tears spilled down my face and I was shaking. The doctor put his hand on my shoulder trying to calm me down but I shrugged his hand and hissed,
“Don’t you dare touch me! You were trying to kill her! You probably have the miracle cure somewhere and just didn’t want to use it because you want to wait for some filthy rich, ‘hot’, prostitute like Britney Spears! Yeah, well, screw you! My Savannah needed help and you guys just wouldn’t help her! She needed your help! She was crying for it, screaming for it and you guys just sat on your fat asses and did nothing!”
Another hand was placed on my shoulder.
“William calm down. Savannah wouldn’t like to see you like this, she can probably hear you anyway,” I heard a familiar voice say.
“Savannah’s…Savannah’s dead. You just missed her,” I said softly in reply. The hand removed itself and the same voice said, albeit shakily,
“W-what?” I whirled around in anger and screamed,
“Savannah’s dead! DEAD! D-E-A-D! As in, never coming back!” I glared into Brendon’s chocolate brown eyes that were rapidly filling with tears. He knew I wasn’t angry with him and he hugged me tightly. That was when I crumbled. My dam exploded and I fell into him as I cried.
“C’mon Will, let’s get you home,” he said.
“No place is home without S-Savannah,” I stuttered at her name.
“C’mon lets get you out of here,” Brendon said.
“I don’t want to, she’s everywhere there,” I whispered.
“William, she’s everywhere. Everywhere you’ve been she’s been there with you. And even if you move to, I dunno, Australia, she’ll be with you because she’s in your heart. You will never be rid of her,” Brendon said. What he said made sense and I nodded and let him take me out of the death trap.

We passed the parking lot and I saw my car. I stopped and tears filled my eyes as I remembered yesterday.
I bowed low like a gentleman and gave her my arm.
“Shall we?” I asked with a fake English accent. She laughed and then took my arm.
“We shall,” she said. I pulled my arm away and wrapped it around her waist and I quickly picked her up bridal style. She squealed and wrapped her arms around my neck.
“William!” She laughed. I spun in circles making her squeal and laugh again. When I stopped I looked around and saw an elderly couple walking by smiling and shaking their heads.
It seemed like all I could do was cry. All I wanted was for my Savannah to be back in my arms. I let out a loud yell of pain, anger and sadness and fell to my knees on the basalt. I screamed out and people looked over curiously.
“Hey mate, c’mon, we need to get you out of here,” Brendon said trying to pull me up. I scrambled up and stumbled. Everywhere was Savannah. My head spun and I leaned heavily on Brendon.
“She’s everywhere,” I whispered.
Memories of Savannah and I swirled around like snow. I was in a storm of memories. I spun around trying to catch every single memory of Savannah.
“WILLIAM!” Brendon yelled. My storm of memories instantly disappeared and I looked around disorientated.
“Huh?” I asked.
“We’re going home now,” Brendon said and he took me to his car and drove me home.

I was never the same after that day. I never smiled, never laughed—unless they were fake. My singing became worse and worse and my stage performance simply stank. I tried though, I tried to pretend everything was okay and I wasn’t depressed. I knew everyone could see right through it but I still pretended. Maybe because it gave me something to do, maybe because I felt like I owed it to Savannah. But even though I pretended, it never really worked. I could never trick my mind into thinking there was color and happiness in this world, because I could not see it. The world had lost all color. Everything was black and white, metaphorically speaking, except for Savannah. Any pictures of Savannah always shined as bright as a beacon, the only splash of color in this hell. But there was no point in being alive. All I felt was nothing, as if someone had sucked all the life out of me and left me a hollow shell. And if I wasn’t feeling empty I was feeling pain. I stopped eating and I became even skinnier. I’d also turned to the bottle. Each day I went to bed with a bottle or two of Jack Daniels in my stomach. I didn’t care that I was killing my liver; I had other things on my mind. Also, scars on my legs and forearms were becoming more numerous. They were just well hidden. I had lost all hope and will to live. I finally decided that I would join Savannah.

“Bill! We’re going out to band practice and then a party! You coming?” yelled The Butcher. Oh, that’s one thing I forgot to mention. I quit the band.
“No thanks,” I called down lifelessly.
“You sure? Oh! We got a new singer! We’re going to bring them back after band practice so you can meet them!” yelled The Butcher.
“What time will you be here?” I asked, coming down the stairs.
“Um… about 4 hours, 5 hours?” The Butcher replied,
“Enough time to pretty yourself up.” I nodded silently and said,
“See you then.”
Even though I had no intention of ever seeing him or my band again.

The Butcher left and I had the place to myself. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. Tears began to fall as I wrote, blotching the words I was writing. It took me an hour and several attempts, but I was finally finished writing the note. I re-read it and checked it. I hated what I was going to do to my friends but I couldn’t live any longer.
Dear my friends,
I’m so sorry to put you through this.
I don’t deserve to call any one of you a friend.
Butcher, Sisky Biz Bass Whiz, Chizzy, Mike, Bren, Gabe and everyone else.
But I can’t live with this emptiness and pain anymore.
It’s either non-stop, never ending pain that breaks your soul,
Or it’s an empty feeling that eats away at you.
I’m not strong like Savannah, I can’t hide it.
And the world lost all sense of meaning for me, the moment she passed on.
It became a purgatory.
And for months I’ve wanted nothing more than to leave it.
After all, who wants to live in a colorless world?
No one. And that’s what my world has become. A huge sea of nothing.
One cannot live without their soul mate.
Yes, soul mate.
That’s what my beautiful Savannah was to me.
I didn’t realize it until she left though, so I could never tell her.
I could never tell her that she was literally my other half.
The half that kept me alive, made this world colorful, and made me want to live.
That moment she died, I died too. On the inside.
The only thing that has kept me going is waiting for The Day.
I waited so long, because I wanted to see if I could actually live without Savannah.
After all, suicide isn’t a mistake you can make twice.
Anyway, please forgive me, I am no gentleman, I can be a prick,
I have planned this day for a long time.
I promised Savannah that I’d join her and find her.
And I intend to.
I’m so sorry.
For everything.
And to the new singer, please take care of my best friends.
They’ll need you. I’m sorry that I never met you, I’m sure you’re a wonderful person.
I don’t care what you guys do with my stuff, but please, please just keep the photos of Savannah. They mean more to me than anything else in this world.
And Courtney…Court’ I’m so sorry.
I regret that we lost touch, but I’ve watched your talent in photography grow.
You’re the best photographer around.
And thank you, thank you for everything you’ve ever done.
I love you.
I love all of you.
I’m so sorry.
So long, and goodnight.
William Beckett.
P.S. Don’t mourn for me, you’re not the one to place the blame.
I nodded to myself. Everything was in there that I needed to say. I wiped my eyes and checked the time. 3 hours. I went round the house and pulled out all the photo albums and flicked through every memory. Memories of Courtney and I, Savannah and I, the band and I. Every memory I had captured, I looked at and cherished. When I was finished I had an hour or so left. It was time.

I picked up the note and went up to my room. I pulled out a CD of mine and my favorite photo of Savannah. I looked around my room and sighed. This would be the last time I ever saw this room again. I walked to the door and opened it. I looked back and I could see myself and Savannah lying together on that bed laughing and chatting happily about how we wanted to live together and how we’d have heaps of kids and grand kids and have the white picket fence and everything. Tears blurred my eyes and I punched the wall angrily. That was how our life was meant to go! I sighed as the image disintegrated into the air and I whirled around and walked into my bathroom.

I taped the note to the mirror, a place where the guys would be sure to find it. I looked at the photo of Savannah and I. I placed it in a plastic zip lock bag and tightly closed it. I then placed it in the huge bath we had and I turned the taps on full. I then go the CD and placed it in the CD player I had in here. I turned it on and Aiden’s song We Sleep Forever came on. I opened the mirror cabinet and grabbed my trusty friend, the razor blade.

I took off my hoodie, revealing a short sleeved shirt which showed off all my scars on my fore arm. I held my arm out in front of me and I saw the pen line where I’d outlined my main artery. I looked up and breathed slowly. Was I really read for this? The answer came to me instantly, yes.
“Go deeper, I feel it—
I pressed the razorblade hard against my skin which was covering my artery.
“I see your ghost appear—
Behind my eyes I could see Savannah
“Go deeper, I see it—
I opened my eyes and I watched the blood drip down my arm over my fingers and onto the floor
“I feel your ghost appear—
I felt almost excited, I was going to see Savannah soon! I could almost feel her coming closer.
“I will say goodbye tonight—
I looked at the note.
“Goodbye,” I whispered.
“We'll sleep forever.”

Once I had done a long enough cut on my arm I moved to the other arm. My fingers were slick with blood and they kept slipping on the blade but I managed to do a deep enough and long enough cut for the job. I let the blade fall to the floor after I was finished. I started to feel slightly light headed. I took this as a good sign. This meant I was losing a good amount of blood. Which meant I could probably bleed out before The Butcher came back. I walked to the bath and with difficulty I turned them off. My fingers kept slipping on the taps because of the blood but I finally turned them off. The bath was almost overflowing now. I stepped into the water in all my clothes and I lay down. I hissed slightly as the water hit my cut but then I ignored it. I watched as the water splashed over the edge and mixed with the blood, making it a slightly pink color. I looked back at the water in the bath and it was becoming pink as well. I grabbed the bag with Savannah’s photo in it and I smiled as I took in how happy we both were in that picture. I began to sink into the water and I held my head underneath the water.

The water was starting to tint darker and I closed my eyes. My lungs were starting to ache for air and I was starting to writhe in the water for want of air. It took everything I had in me not to re-surface, but then I started to slow down and my vision was starting to blur and blacken. My heart was slowing, I could feel it. I slowly pulled the photograph toward me and tried to focus on Savannah. I could barely see her and it made me panic. I squinted and tried to focus and then suddenly she was there, she was the shining beacon again and as my eyes closed I could almost feel her silky smooth touch, smell her sweet, addictive smell, and I swear I could hear her sing,
“So shut your eyes, kiss me goodbye, and sleep…” I smiled and I flipped over so I was face down and as I finally shut down the last word that graced my lips was,
“Savannah…”