Rants

I like to think he still thinks about me, the way I think about him. It’s hard getting over him; it’s never been this hard for me before. Every day I still tear up at the thought of him. It still hurts to think about him. I miss everything, I miss him. I’m just in the stupor that I can’t get out of, and I want to talk to him so bad but I can’t. One, I blocked his number. Two, what the hell would I say? I miss you and I still care about you? No, I couldn’t say that. He made it clear that he didn’t like me or “love” me anymore and that he stopped caring. What am I supposed to do if I want to talk to him but have no idea what to say? I don’t like this. I never felt the way I felt about him with anyone before…it’s really hard to explain. All I know is I miss him a lot…I have so many things I want to say but I can’t. Everything I want to say I can’t anymore. I wish he would’ve told me sooner that he stopped caring…I wish Emily had told me what she said to him before we broke up and not after. She says she feels responsible for the breakup…a part of me wants to blame her too but the other part says she was doing her job as my best friend and protecting me.

It’s like I can feel the tears coming on but I can’t cry them, I cried all my tears for him while we were together and just that night we broke up. The rest have just been tears threatening to spill over but haven’t. I don’t know why I’m hurting so much, he’s the one who got bored and wanted “something different”. I’m just boring to guys; I can’t keep ones attention for very long. What’s wrong with me? Why did I have to fall so hard for another douchebag? Why do I always go for the douchebags? All they do is make me cry over them even when we’re together and I always have bad breakups with them and I eventually end up blocking their number. I wonder if he’s tried contacting me…and if he has, what did he say? Does he think I’m ignoring him? I thought that no contact with him at all would be the easiest way to get over him but I’m still hurting. When Emily told me what he told her, I was so hurt. He apparently said that he “loved” me but wanted something different and didn’t know how to tell me, and he thought he had fucked things up anyway and that he’s hurt me a lot and other stuff like that. I don’t remember what all she said, after that first line I blocked everything out.

When he said to me he couldn’t promise that he’d stay with me, I let him go. Maybe he’d be happier without me since I’m so boring…God, it was so hard. It was like he was happy that it was over, like he was finally “free” or something. Am I that terrible? What’s wrong with me? I was so happy with him, even though we had a couple small arguments I was still happy…but I guess he wasn’t. He probably wasn’t for a long time. I knew that Sunday when he came over that that would be the last time I ever saw him.