Rants

Sitting here in my own corner of the cafeteria in the silence gives me time to think. I see my classmates go by: Some new friends and some I don’t even acknowledge in the hallway. Yeah, I give some a friendly smile and a small wave but that’s about it. When I saw Cody walk right by me like he didn’t know me…well, I’m used to that. It’s been a year since we’ve spoken. After what happened last year…he’ll never forgive me. We were such good friends but until he pulled that stupid stunt and I overreacted, things just aren’t the same and never will be. I wish I could go back and fix everything. I miss his friendship. I was stupid and did what Nessa did. I wish things hadn’t turned out this way. Even things with Aaron are still awkward. I miss all my old friends. Maybe I am the one who really changed. But that’s a part of growing up; we’re supposed to change. I wasn’t going to stay 12 and in sixth grade forever, I wasn’t going to stay 10 and be best friends with Hunter forever. Maybe being reunited with him last summer was a sign that it was for the best that we lost contact for five years. We’re both 15 and freshman in high school and we both now have a different group of friends. He does things that I think are stupid and bad, and I do things he thinks are ridiculous. He’s grown into the “skater” crowd and I’ve grown into the sort of “preppy” crowd. It’s sad. I miss the way things used to be, but like I said, I wasn’t going to be 10 forever.

Our friendship was meant to fall apart. What happened to the kid who I used to race my go-karts with? What happened to the kid I used to eat milk and cookies with nearly every day? He says I’ve changed. Maybe I have. It’s just like the relationship I had with Nate. I miss him a lot too. It’s only been a week since we broke up, but we were together for a while. Even before we dated we were talking for a long time. I really had a lot of feelings for him and I still do. It’ll take me awhile to get over him. When I think about what happened I just get so angry and sad at the same time. The way things ended and the things that were said are what hurts the most. Even the things he’s still saying, I just want to scream “WHY?”. All the time we spent together is gone, and I want to feel glad about it but for some reason I can’t. I just want to stop feeling all this stupid pain. Why won’t it just go away? Why can’t I forget about him? I thought by writing down all our “memories” we made and flushing them down the toilet would make me feel better but so far it hasn’t. I have so many other things I need to worry about but this keeps plaguing me. I deleted all the pictures, deleted him from my facebook and had my dad block his number, I thought no contact with him would be easier but he’s always on my mind and I want it to stop!

He hurt me, and he’s someone I want nothing to do with! Yet, I still have this feeling in my heart and my stomach that won’t go away. It’s like a constant ache and I want some medicine or something that will make it go away. Anything will do. Just make this hurt go away. I’m tired of it. Everything now brings back painful memories, not just a past relationship. How my dad doesn’t listen, how my mom refuses to see me. It all just hurts so much. I miss my mom more than anything and I want to see her but I can’t. I won’t until she’s calmed down. I’ve waited 15 months; I’ll wait 15 more if I have to. If she wants to play this “I can hold out longer than you can” game, then I’ll play too. I just want her to understand that everything doesn’t revolve around her. She’s selfish and stubborn, and is always drawing attention to herself. Whenever I get to talk to her on the phone we’re always screaming at each other. She claims that I don’t want her in my life. She doesn’t understand that everyday she’s not around it feels like I die a little. I need her in my life—she’s my mom! She’s supposed to be here for me! She’s supposed to hold me when I cry and tell me everything will be okay, she’s supposed to hug me every day when I get home from school and ask me how my day was! I miss that, I need that! But if she’s going to keep acting like this, then it’s never going to happen again.