Teal.
Secrets.
“What is this, Gabe?” She’s reading one of my notebooks and taking a long drag off of her cigarette. The tip burns orange for a second before fading gray, and she lets the smoke drift lazily out of her lips. She’s too preoccupied to bother blowing out the smoke. By the time I’m done watching her, she’s already flipping past the first page, and is exploring the second with a look that’s so… sultry. Like she just found something dirty that she knows she shouldn’t be looking at. My heart plummets to my stomach, and I yank the spiral notebook out of her hands. Her cigarette falls onto her leg, searing it. She jumps up too late, smacking the fire off of her. “Fuck!” She whimpers, sitting back down and eying her thigh nervously. There’s a red mark where the cigarette fell, but so far no blistering or peeling skin. I’d feel bad if I wasn’t so fucking terrified.
“I told you not to smoke in here.” The words are out before I can consider them, but her only retort is tinkling laughter. If it was anyone else I’d assume that the laughter was a pointed retort towards me, but we both know that she’s silently making fun of herself. “Are you okay?” I ask, staring at the cover of the notebook. I’m so stupid, leaving it lying around when Willow’s around. Of course she‘d snoop until she found something interesting to occupy her with. She still hasn’t answered me when I decide to look up at her. She’s lying on her back, in the bed. Smoke rises up in tangles with her fanned out hair before slipping through the air and hanging over her head, her own personal rain cloud. “Will…” I sigh, before shutting my laptop and walking till I’m hovering over the bed, where Willow is happily sucking on another cigarette. This time she’s not going through another notebook. Thank god.
“I didn’t know I was dangerous enough to warrant an entire list of things to avoid with me.” She’s looking up at me with her big brown eyes. They dark between both of mine, and I wonder what she’s looking for in there. What do you see? I almost ask her, but by the time I get the courage she’s already looking at her toes. “Some of them were interesting, which is saying something. Since you’re so, you know, boring or whatever.” She says in that nonchalant sort of way that makes it obvious that she’s thinking up something. I don’t want to know what she’s thinking up this time. My heart pounds a vicious melody in my chest, and my flight or fight response wells up in my chest. Right this second, I’m so desperate for an escape I’m willing to jump out my bedroom window. “What does SDOE mean?”
Sex dreams, or experences. I’m so terrified I almost answer her, but my tongue is glued to the top of my mouth. Willow looks up at me expectantly. Her lips are sort of parted, chapped and I can see her tongue ring glinting in the lights as she runs it against her front teeth. It makes a faint clinking noise that makes the hair ion the back of my neck stand up. She looks so innocent, waiting for an answer. Too innocent. “What? I don’t know.” I stare at the wall in front of me; a floor to ceiling mirror big enough to see the entire room. I wish I could see her, but the bed is built into the floor and far too low to grant that wish. Her crossed knees peek out over the edge of the low bed, and I look down at her again. If I trusted myself I’d crawl into the oval bed with her, rest my head against skin I know will smell like cherry blossoms. But she’s Willow, and invariably she would find some way to make an innocent situation one that’s just a little out of my grasp of what I can control.
“What are you thinking about?”
How bad I want to kiss you. How warm it would be next to you, and how easy. I could pull it off like I was tired, ready for a nap. She wouldn’t leave, and her skin would press hot against mine setting us both on fire… “Muhh.”
She giggles, tossing the butt of her cigarette in her empty McDonalds cup. “Why the list?”
“Because you abuse me, and I don’t want to give you any extra reasons.”
She shakes her head, her Cheshire grin in place. “Liar. Why so many rules?”
I don’t trust myself around you without rules, I want to scream. I can loose everything without my rules. My stupid, silly rules that remind me of who you are and what you are and – “I just told you. Honestly Will, It was just a joke that got out of hand. Me and the guys-“
“Rules are meant to be broken,” she says, and my heart is back to its race against time. How fast does your heart have to go before you have a heart attack? What rules, Wills, which ones do you want to break with me? “We should try ecstasy together.” She speaks slowly, like she’s considering every word before she says it. Even she knows that this isn’t a great idea, but I wonder what her reasons are. They can’t be the same as mine. Her eyes are excited, but worried when she tilts them up to look at me. “You do it. Can we? Please?”
“That’s not a good idea.”
Her confusion is feigned. “Why?”
“Wills…” the sentence hangs in the air. What do I really have to loose? At the most she’ll let me … I can’t think about this when there’s no way I’m getting rid of her. Before my mind is made up, I’m punching in the message, and it’s sent before I can think this entire situation out clearly. Before making sure that I don’t do stupid shit around Willow, I want to know what her mouth tastes like. I want to lie next to her without her wondering why my hearts racing. When she first told me she was gay, I thought it would take an enormous weight off of my chest – but it just made my longing that much more unbearable. It was one thing to lust after your best friend. But it was an entirely different brand of torture when you knew that there was no way you could have her. Telling myself that I could never have her just helped my sick lust spiral out of control. Because no matter what it had been before, it was more than lust now. Maybe that’s why my chest was aching so much now.
“What are you thinking about?” She asks. Her arms are crossed on the carpet, the purple shag spilling out between her fingers. Her head was resting on one of her arms, and her fingers let the pieces of shag slip in and out of the crevices of her fingers. She was like a waterfall, a force of nature.
“Nature, and unnatural things.”
She smiles, softer than before. “Did you text anyone?” She looks up at me, and her tongue darts out between her capped lips. The pink tongue ring teases my heartstrings. My cell phone answers her for me, a simple melody. Her grin grows. “Well?” She asks. I read the message quickly, and type a short reply.
“We have to be at the school in ten minuets.”
“You don’t live close,” she states. “We’ll have to hurry. Are you ready?”
As I’ll ever be.
“I’m glad you agreed,” She teases as we step into the hallway. “It’s the only way I’ll ever be able to figure out all of those abbreviations in your list about me.” Her breath feels like a damnation against my neck.
“I told you not to smoke in here.” The words are out before I can consider them, but her only retort is tinkling laughter. If it was anyone else I’d assume that the laughter was a pointed retort towards me, but we both know that she’s silently making fun of herself. “Are you okay?” I ask, staring at the cover of the notebook. I’m so stupid, leaving it lying around when Willow’s around. Of course she‘d snoop until she found something interesting to occupy her with. She still hasn’t answered me when I decide to look up at her. She’s lying on her back, in the bed. Smoke rises up in tangles with her fanned out hair before slipping through the air and hanging over her head, her own personal rain cloud. “Will…” I sigh, before shutting my laptop and walking till I’m hovering over the bed, where Willow is happily sucking on another cigarette. This time she’s not going through another notebook. Thank god.
“I didn’t know I was dangerous enough to warrant an entire list of things to avoid with me.” She’s looking up at me with her big brown eyes. They dark between both of mine, and I wonder what she’s looking for in there. What do you see? I almost ask her, but by the time I get the courage she’s already looking at her toes. “Some of them were interesting, which is saying something. Since you’re so, you know, boring or whatever.” She says in that nonchalant sort of way that makes it obvious that she’s thinking up something. I don’t want to know what she’s thinking up this time. My heart pounds a vicious melody in my chest, and my flight or fight response wells up in my chest. Right this second, I’m so desperate for an escape I’m willing to jump out my bedroom window. “What does SDOE mean?”
Sex dreams, or experences. I’m so terrified I almost answer her, but my tongue is glued to the top of my mouth. Willow looks up at me expectantly. Her lips are sort of parted, chapped and I can see her tongue ring glinting in the lights as she runs it against her front teeth. It makes a faint clinking noise that makes the hair ion the back of my neck stand up. She looks so innocent, waiting for an answer. Too innocent. “What? I don’t know.” I stare at the wall in front of me; a floor to ceiling mirror big enough to see the entire room. I wish I could see her, but the bed is built into the floor and far too low to grant that wish. Her crossed knees peek out over the edge of the low bed, and I look down at her again. If I trusted myself I’d crawl into the oval bed with her, rest my head against skin I know will smell like cherry blossoms. But she’s Willow, and invariably she would find some way to make an innocent situation one that’s just a little out of my grasp of what I can control.
“What are you thinking about?”
How bad I want to kiss you. How warm it would be next to you, and how easy. I could pull it off like I was tired, ready for a nap. She wouldn’t leave, and her skin would press hot against mine setting us both on fire… “Muhh.”
She giggles, tossing the butt of her cigarette in her empty McDonalds cup. “Why the list?”
“Because you abuse me, and I don’t want to give you any extra reasons.”
She shakes her head, her Cheshire grin in place. “Liar. Why so many rules?”
I don’t trust myself around you without rules, I want to scream. I can loose everything without my rules. My stupid, silly rules that remind me of who you are and what you are and – “I just told you. Honestly Will, It was just a joke that got out of hand. Me and the guys-“
“Rules are meant to be broken,” she says, and my heart is back to its race against time. How fast does your heart have to go before you have a heart attack? What rules, Wills, which ones do you want to break with me? “We should try ecstasy together.” She speaks slowly, like she’s considering every word before she says it. Even she knows that this isn’t a great idea, but I wonder what her reasons are. They can’t be the same as mine. Her eyes are excited, but worried when she tilts them up to look at me. “You do it. Can we? Please?”
“That’s not a good idea.”
Her confusion is feigned. “Why?”
“Wills…” the sentence hangs in the air. What do I really have to loose? At the most she’ll let me … I can’t think about this when there’s no way I’m getting rid of her. Before my mind is made up, I’m punching in the message, and it’s sent before I can think this entire situation out clearly. Before making sure that I don’t do stupid shit around Willow, I want to know what her mouth tastes like. I want to lie next to her without her wondering why my hearts racing. When she first told me she was gay, I thought it would take an enormous weight off of my chest – but it just made my longing that much more unbearable. It was one thing to lust after your best friend. But it was an entirely different brand of torture when you knew that there was no way you could have her. Telling myself that I could never have her just helped my sick lust spiral out of control. Because no matter what it had been before, it was more than lust now. Maybe that’s why my chest was aching so much now.
“What are you thinking about?” She asks. Her arms are crossed on the carpet, the purple shag spilling out between her fingers. Her head was resting on one of her arms, and her fingers let the pieces of shag slip in and out of the crevices of her fingers. She was like a waterfall, a force of nature.
“Nature, and unnatural things.”
She smiles, softer than before. “Did you text anyone?” She looks up at me, and her tongue darts out between her capped lips. The pink tongue ring teases my heartstrings. My cell phone answers her for me, a simple melody. Her grin grows. “Well?” She asks. I read the message quickly, and type a short reply.
“We have to be at the school in ten minuets.”
“You don’t live close,” she states. “We’ll have to hurry. Are you ready?”
As I’ll ever be.
“I’m glad you agreed,” She teases as we step into the hallway. “It’s the only way I’ll ever be able to figure out all of those abbreviations in your list about me.” Her breath feels like a damnation against my neck.
♠ ♠ ♠
a sort of interlude, i guess.