Teal.
Sex Talk.
“You kissed me.” I say, before she can kiss me again. “I never thought you would. I never… “My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth, and as I try to disentangle my thoughts I realize that there’s too many things that I never thought would happen with Willow. She runs her hands against my arms and electricity bubbles under her touch. Green sparks fame and then disappear against her finger trails. “Jesus Christ. I still think this is some sort of sick dream”
Willow’s fingers stop, and desire burns where her fingers freeze. “Do you dream about … us a lot?” The question hangs in there air for a second before she bends down to kiss me again. Her lips brush against my collar bone. “I had a dream about you once.” She says, straightening up. Her hair cascades down her shoulders like a waterfall and I let my fingers tangle in it.
“Oh yeah? What was I doing.”
I can feel the tips of her breasts against my chest. “Fucking me.”
The words shock me, but she’s laughing like she just said something funny. Her hands keep running up and down my arms. Up, down, up, down, up, down. A seesaw that doesn’t move. She wiggles away from me and sits up, so that she’s on top of me, her hands reaching up to the sky like she’s begging it to rain. “You look so fucking beautiful right now.” Her smile makes my hands warm. I grip her waist, sliding my hands underneath her shirt and let my fingers explore the skin there. “I-I know that I don’t like, say that ever. But its true. I always think you look beautiful. Because you do. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone as beautiful as you, Wills.”
She laughs, twisting her arms, wrists, and fingers with the music. She has incredible rhythm, even while she’s sitting in my lap. I want to grab her, pull her down so that she’s in the same world as me but I’m scared it would ruin whatever she’s feeling right now. “Your eyes say it, even when you don’t.” She finally says, shakily standing. She looks around before spotting the iPod stereo. “I don’t know why music sounds so good right now. But it does. I feel like dancing for hours all over again.” She stumbles as she reaches it and flips through music to fast for me to hear before settling on something fast and electronic I’m sure I never let her know I liked. She’s dancing by herself now, in front of the mirror. She has glow sticks on like they’re jewelry. They’re wrapped up in her hair, around her neck. It looks like a fucking rainbow landed on her wrists. Her ankles are even lit up. She turns towards me, the black light making her glow purple. “Am I sexy?”
“Yes.”
She walks towards me, a pretend catwalk before she sits on the edge of the bed. Her feet hanging inside of it. “You make everything confusing.” She says, but she’s smiling. “I think a normal person would hate you for that, but it just makes you more interesting. You know how much I like to fuck my life up.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t laugh. I’m making sense. To me at least.”
“Explain to me then.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Your tone of voice. I don’t even have to look at you to know that you’re making fun of me. Does the music always make you feel like this when you’re on .. thizz?”
I wish I could see her, but she’s sitting so that the lights in front of her. Her silhouette is unmistakable, but undistinguishable. “Yeah.”
“It’s a good feeling, but scary too.”
“Wills.”
“Gabe.” The way she sighs my name says more than any forced sentence.
I sit up, trying to see, but the strobe light makes everything look halted and abnormal. I wish I could see her face. “We’d be really good together, don’t you think?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because I’ll break your heart.”
“Maybe I’ll break yours.”
“Nobody breaks my heart.”
“What the fuck happened to being gay?”
She stands up, then curls herself up beside me. “I don’t know. You confused things.”
“How did I confuse things, Wills? You seemed sure yesterday.”
“What?”
“When your mouth was super glued to Libby’s at lunch, and when we went to that shit of a bonfire. How can you say you’re confused all of a sudden when your sexuality is the only thing that you have – or had- figured out?”
“Just because I want you doesn’t mean that I don’t want hers, or any other girl that I decide I want. I wish that I had at least something figured out. Its like, there’s no guys here that I like. There’s no guys that I even want in like, the physical sense. That’s why its easy to say I’m gay. The guys here disgust me. They have it in their heads that each one of them is god’s gift to every fucking girl in the world, and that we’re lucky that they’re even acknowledging us. Why would anyone want someone with a bigger ego than Kanye West’s fucking them, talking to them, dating them? But its not like I date girls because I can’t find a guy.”
“Mm.”
“I’m serious.” Her hand catches me in the chest. It tingles. I grab her and pull her towards me, until she’s sitting across from me, but so close that her knees brush against my back. “Girls are the sexiest thing in the world to me. There’s not a guy in the world that can turn me on as much as a girl. They’re softer, smoother… they always smell like some sort of flower or fruit, and just being close enough to a girl to smell her citrusy shampoo, or the cherry blossom perfume she used this morning turns me on. Guys smell like axe, or some other too strong cologne, and their skin is always bristly, so I can’t even imagine being comfortable lying in bed next to one.”
Except for me, right? All of them disgust you, except for me. “You shave my legs,” I point out. “I’m not bristly. And I wear your spray perfume more than I wear that D&G shit you gave me.” She arches her back when I rub my hands over her legs. From her thighs down to her calves, I don’t leave any part of her go untouched.
“Mmhm.” She says, scooting closer. My legs ache from being spread apart for too long, but the pain feels like butterfly kisses or some other less than painful thing. “Why do you want me? I’m not, like, the prettiest girl or anything. I don’t have a reputation for giving good blow jobs, or for being an easy fuck. I’m not the smartest, or anything. All of those girls are throwing themselves at you.”
“You’re the most artistic. I don’t know anyone as witty or as sarcastic as you. You’re a fucking tease, in the most amazing ways. I guess part of it is because you’re the unobtainable one. The dangerous one. You are the most beautiful, just not by your standards. I just… I don’t know.”
“Yeah you do. Why won’t you tell me? I love this drug, its like… truth serum or something. I can hold things from you, but I don’t want to right now.” She falls back, and her already too short skirt rides up to her stomach. Her thighs glow reddish purple under the lights. She shivers when I touch her. “You’re my best friend. I never had a best friend before you. I like this feeling.”
“Yeah. I’m sorry I’m so… I don’t know. Awkward, I guess.”
“Quiet, withdrawn, secretive, mysterious. Don’t be sorry. Its part of what makes you, you.”
“Its like I don’t function right when I’m not alone.”
“Or maybe you don’t function right when you are alone, and you just think that its normal.” Our laughter fills the room. “Do you mind if I smoke? I want a cigarette, but I don’t want to go outside. I like this hot feeling.”
“Sure. I only get upset because if my mom comes in she’ll probably stop letting you come over.”
She rolls onto her side, laughing. She’s so gorgeous right now, so sexy and vulnerable and I want her. I want her so bad that my entire torso is aching to feel her on top of me again. I want every part of her. “I feel so close to you right now. Its so strange. I thought I was as close to you as I could be, and then this, and I feel like there’s all this stuff about you I don’t know. All this stuff that makes you seem interesting, and sexy… I want you so bad.” She whimpers the last part, and I bite the inside of my cheek hard. “In every way. I want to kiss you until my lips rub off, and I want to touch you all over, and I want you to touch me. I’m so scared to say this out loud. Even right now. My hearts going too fast.”
“I feel the same way.”
“How come you never tell me you want me? You never show it, unless you’re preoccupied enough to slip up. You only look at me like you want me when I’m with a girl.” I can hear what she won’t say. please don’t be like the rest of them.
“I don’t know. I’m scared to fuck up what we have now, and until tonight you were completely unavailable. You still are.” I finish, remembering Libby. How long will she last?
She laughs. “You’re so naïve, Gabe. We fuck, that’s it. I couldn’t hang out with her just because I felt like it even if I ever did feel like it.” She drapes an arm over her face. “I think my rolls coming down. You said it hurts sometimes right?”
“Why, do you hurt right now?” I’m not worried. She’s probably just grinding her teeth. I trace words on her thighs, and watch the way her panties stretch taunt when she spreads her legs towards me. My dick isn’t the only present reminder of how much I want her.
“Mmhm. My skin feels prickly, and my head hurts, and I’m sort of dizzy. I’ve been drinking water.” She puts out her cigarette in her water bottle and shakes it in my face. “See? Its almost all gone. I thought you said it lasts for hours. Has it been hours?”
I check my watch, “Just one. Its not even one yet. Do you want to go outside? You’re probably just too hot.”
She laughs, “Only to you.”
“C’mon.”
“I don’t want to go outside. Can we take a shower instead?”
A shower sounds like the perfect idea. Before I can help myself I imagine her naked, bent over with water cascading down her back as I fuck her. No, that sounds too much. As I roughly make love to her. “Yeah, come on.” Thank god I have my own bathroom.
Willow’s fingers stop, and desire burns where her fingers freeze. “Do you dream about … us a lot?” The question hangs in there air for a second before she bends down to kiss me again. Her lips brush against my collar bone. “I had a dream about you once.” She says, straightening up. Her hair cascades down her shoulders like a waterfall and I let my fingers tangle in it.
“Oh yeah? What was I doing.”
I can feel the tips of her breasts against my chest. “Fucking me.”
The words shock me, but she’s laughing like she just said something funny. Her hands keep running up and down my arms. Up, down, up, down, up, down. A seesaw that doesn’t move. She wiggles away from me and sits up, so that she’s on top of me, her hands reaching up to the sky like she’s begging it to rain. “You look so fucking beautiful right now.” Her smile makes my hands warm. I grip her waist, sliding my hands underneath her shirt and let my fingers explore the skin there. “I-I know that I don’t like, say that ever. But its true. I always think you look beautiful. Because you do. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone as beautiful as you, Wills.”
She laughs, twisting her arms, wrists, and fingers with the music. She has incredible rhythm, even while she’s sitting in my lap. I want to grab her, pull her down so that she’s in the same world as me but I’m scared it would ruin whatever she’s feeling right now. “Your eyes say it, even when you don’t.” She finally says, shakily standing. She looks around before spotting the iPod stereo. “I don’t know why music sounds so good right now. But it does. I feel like dancing for hours all over again.” She stumbles as she reaches it and flips through music to fast for me to hear before settling on something fast and electronic I’m sure I never let her know I liked. She’s dancing by herself now, in front of the mirror. She has glow sticks on like they’re jewelry. They’re wrapped up in her hair, around her neck. It looks like a fucking rainbow landed on her wrists. Her ankles are even lit up. She turns towards me, the black light making her glow purple. “Am I sexy?”
“Yes.”
She walks towards me, a pretend catwalk before she sits on the edge of the bed. Her feet hanging inside of it. “You make everything confusing.” She says, but she’s smiling. “I think a normal person would hate you for that, but it just makes you more interesting. You know how much I like to fuck my life up.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t laugh. I’m making sense. To me at least.”
“Explain to me then.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Your tone of voice. I don’t even have to look at you to know that you’re making fun of me. Does the music always make you feel like this when you’re on .. thizz?”
I wish I could see her, but she’s sitting so that the lights in front of her. Her silhouette is unmistakable, but undistinguishable. “Yeah.”
“It’s a good feeling, but scary too.”
“Wills.”
“Gabe.” The way she sighs my name says more than any forced sentence.
I sit up, trying to see, but the strobe light makes everything look halted and abnormal. I wish I could see her face. “We’d be really good together, don’t you think?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because I’ll break your heart.”
“Maybe I’ll break yours.”
“Nobody breaks my heart.”
“What the fuck happened to being gay?”
She stands up, then curls herself up beside me. “I don’t know. You confused things.”
“How did I confuse things, Wills? You seemed sure yesterday.”
“What?”
“When your mouth was super glued to Libby’s at lunch, and when we went to that shit of a bonfire. How can you say you’re confused all of a sudden when your sexuality is the only thing that you have – or had- figured out?”
“Just because I want you doesn’t mean that I don’t want hers, or any other girl that I decide I want. I wish that I had at least something figured out. Its like, there’s no guys here that I like. There’s no guys that I even want in like, the physical sense. That’s why its easy to say I’m gay. The guys here disgust me. They have it in their heads that each one of them is god’s gift to every fucking girl in the world, and that we’re lucky that they’re even acknowledging us. Why would anyone want someone with a bigger ego than Kanye West’s fucking them, talking to them, dating them? But its not like I date girls because I can’t find a guy.”
“Mm.”
“I’m serious.” Her hand catches me in the chest. It tingles. I grab her and pull her towards me, until she’s sitting across from me, but so close that her knees brush against my back. “Girls are the sexiest thing in the world to me. There’s not a guy in the world that can turn me on as much as a girl. They’re softer, smoother… they always smell like some sort of flower or fruit, and just being close enough to a girl to smell her citrusy shampoo, or the cherry blossom perfume she used this morning turns me on. Guys smell like axe, or some other too strong cologne, and their skin is always bristly, so I can’t even imagine being comfortable lying in bed next to one.”
Except for me, right? All of them disgust you, except for me. “You shave my legs,” I point out. “I’m not bristly. And I wear your spray perfume more than I wear that D&G shit you gave me.” She arches her back when I rub my hands over her legs. From her thighs down to her calves, I don’t leave any part of her go untouched.
“Mmhm.” She says, scooting closer. My legs ache from being spread apart for too long, but the pain feels like butterfly kisses or some other less than painful thing. “Why do you want me? I’m not, like, the prettiest girl or anything. I don’t have a reputation for giving good blow jobs, or for being an easy fuck. I’m not the smartest, or anything. All of those girls are throwing themselves at you.”
“You’re the most artistic. I don’t know anyone as witty or as sarcastic as you. You’re a fucking tease, in the most amazing ways. I guess part of it is because you’re the unobtainable one. The dangerous one. You are the most beautiful, just not by your standards. I just… I don’t know.”
“Yeah you do. Why won’t you tell me? I love this drug, its like… truth serum or something. I can hold things from you, but I don’t want to right now.” She falls back, and her already too short skirt rides up to her stomach. Her thighs glow reddish purple under the lights. She shivers when I touch her. “You’re my best friend. I never had a best friend before you. I like this feeling.”
“Yeah. I’m sorry I’m so… I don’t know. Awkward, I guess.”
“Quiet, withdrawn, secretive, mysterious. Don’t be sorry. Its part of what makes you, you.”
“Its like I don’t function right when I’m not alone.”
“Or maybe you don’t function right when you are alone, and you just think that its normal.” Our laughter fills the room. “Do you mind if I smoke? I want a cigarette, but I don’t want to go outside. I like this hot feeling.”
“Sure. I only get upset because if my mom comes in she’ll probably stop letting you come over.”
She rolls onto her side, laughing. She’s so gorgeous right now, so sexy and vulnerable and I want her. I want her so bad that my entire torso is aching to feel her on top of me again. I want every part of her. “I feel so close to you right now. Its so strange. I thought I was as close to you as I could be, and then this, and I feel like there’s all this stuff about you I don’t know. All this stuff that makes you seem interesting, and sexy… I want you so bad.” She whimpers the last part, and I bite the inside of my cheek hard. “In every way. I want to kiss you until my lips rub off, and I want to touch you all over, and I want you to touch me. I’m so scared to say this out loud. Even right now. My hearts going too fast.”
“I feel the same way.”
“How come you never tell me you want me? You never show it, unless you’re preoccupied enough to slip up. You only look at me like you want me when I’m with a girl.” I can hear what she won’t say. please don’t be like the rest of them.
“I don’t know. I’m scared to fuck up what we have now, and until tonight you were completely unavailable. You still are.” I finish, remembering Libby. How long will she last?
She laughs. “You’re so naïve, Gabe. We fuck, that’s it. I couldn’t hang out with her just because I felt like it even if I ever did feel like it.” She drapes an arm over her face. “I think my rolls coming down. You said it hurts sometimes right?”
“Why, do you hurt right now?” I’m not worried. She’s probably just grinding her teeth. I trace words on her thighs, and watch the way her panties stretch taunt when she spreads her legs towards me. My dick isn’t the only present reminder of how much I want her.
“Mmhm. My skin feels prickly, and my head hurts, and I’m sort of dizzy. I’ve been drinking water.” She puts out her cigarette in her water bottle and shakes it in my face. “See? Its almost all gone. I thought you said it lasts for hours. Has it been hours?”
I check my watch, “Just one. Its not even one yet. Do you want to go outside? You’re probably just too hot.”
She laughs, “Only to you.”
“C’mon.”
“I don’t want to go outside. Can we take a shower instead?”
A shower sounds like the perfect idea. Before I can help myself I imagine her naked, bent over with water cascading down her back as I fuck her. No, that sounds too much. As I roughly make love to her. “Yeah, come on.” Thank god I have my own bathroom.