After Tonight

One was positive, one was negative. What did that mean, aside from the fact that I should have sprung for the three-for-one deal instead of the two-pack? Were they defective? Could I take them back—would they give me a new one, or would I just get back my $14.28 plus tax? So many questions, only one answer.
…

“I called the bakery this morning but some kid told me you were at the doctor’s office.” Rob stabbed at some lettuce. I’d started making him salads for dinner—he wasn’t really into eating healthy on his own.
“I didn’t tell you about that?” I began picking at my lettuce as well, but I knew I wasn’t doing a good job at masking my shock.
“So are you pregnant or what?” When I didn’t answer right away, Rob shook his head. “Come on, Abbey. It’s me—don’t lie to me.” His fork made a noise against the plate when set it on the table.
“I was going to tell you when I knew how.” By then I’d set my fork down and wrung my hands in my lap. “But you couldn’t have guessed from that alone, how did you figure it out?”
“I’m not an idiot. You haven’t been feeling well for a while and I saw the box in the garbage.” He sighed and rested against the back of the chair. “And when I found out you had that appointment today, well I put two and two together.”
“Yeah well, surprise.” I smiled meekly. I hadn’t told Rob because I didn’t know what to say. I had no plan. I had no plan because I hadn’t planned on getting pregnant. I especially hadn’t planned on getting excited.
I should have known it was all too good to be true, that this would all come crashing down. Ever since our engagement, things had been right—things had been wonderful. The only troubles I had were minor mishaps with wedding plans. I’d been naive to think just because I’d finally won the battle of the ever-expanding guest list against my mother, things would just stay perfect.
I had bought a test at the drug store the day before during my lunch break. I knew Rob had something going on so I went home and well, you know. One of them turned out positive, the other negative. After that I called the doctor.
Throughout my life, I watched countless peers, friends and family members go through this same thing. They had all kept their babies and I couldn’t understand it. It was like their brains had been rewired when they realized they were carrying a child. I knew I’d be the first to get an abortion—why would they keep the baby if it was going to destroy everything?
Now I knew.
After I came back from the doctor’s I spent an hour staring at myself naked in the mirror, rubbing my stomach and picturing a beautiful child. Blue-eyed like Rob, I hoped. It was a piece of the each of us—why wouldn’t I want to keep this little wonder?
Rob made it abundantly clear that he would not have children.
So I stopped myself from thinking that way. I stopped thinking that I might be able to make good use of our extra bedroom, or that I’d get to eat all the food I wanted without any repercussions. I especially stopped thinking that I’d be able to blow raspberries against my baby’s belly evoking a musical giggle, or that Rob and I would take our child to zoo and make silly animal faces. I stopped thinking that I could have two loves of my life and I that we could have a family.
Rob had me pegged from the beginning. He knew I would never say no to a baby, even when I didn’t.
“What are you going to do?” His voice was sort of expressionless; he wasn’t happy, but he wasn’t mad either.
I didn’t answer immediately. This wasn’t something that I could just blurt out—I knew the consequences. I wanted to keep the baby. I never thought I would, but I wanted to raise a child. Especially with Rob. I thought we’d have a beautiful baby and I knew we’d be great parents—unconventional sure, but great. I just picked the wrong man for that. It wasn’t his fault.
“I want to keep it.” My voice was quiet, almost a whisper.
“Are you serious?” There a note of horror in Rob’s voice; his eyes were wide with disbelief. Rob was once again hunched over the table, scratching his chin subconsciously. “Can I say ‘I told you so’?”
“Go ahead. I know what I said to you.” I did not want to argue with him about who said what. “But now that it is really real, ya’ know, I was hoping…”
“You thought I would change my mind?” Rob pushed his hair back, groaning a little. “I don’t fucking believe this.” He paused. “Well actually I do. I mean Abbey come on—I love you, but this…you really thought I would change my mind just like that?”
I hung my head a little bit. I had been naïve. “It was more of a wish.”
Rob didn’t speak. He just stared at the glass of water in front of me, as if he was willing it to shatter with his eyes.
“The doctor said I might have some trouble with the pregnancy. He said there’s some damage on my pelvis that might make things a little difficult.”
“Yet you still want it?” Rob looked at me, bewildered.
“Yes.”
“And if I don’t?” I looked at him. His eyebrow was arched and his head rested on a clenched fist.
“I don’t know.”
“But you do know I don’t want this, right?”
“I guess I don’t understand why.”
“Why? Because I like drinking, I like smoking. I like being able to leave on a whim and I like thinking that if we wanted to, we could have sex on the living room floor.”
“We’ve had sex on this floor once.” My eyebrow arched.
“At least we have the option!” He waved me off, irritated. “I like my freedom, Abbey.”
“You’re acting like you’ve got no responsibility, like you live this crazy party boy life. You like staying home, Rob. You like sitting on the couch and reading a book. You’re not jetting around the world unless you’re filming.”
“What about Hawaii?” Rob ignored my other hits.
“We know people who could baby-sit. It’s not like we haven’t got friends.”
“I guess I just don’t want things to change then. What’s wrong with things the way they are?” He looked a little defeated, but I knew he wasn’t going to give up.
“Nothing is wrong. It’s still going to be you and me, but this—this is a part of us! Don’t you think this would be fun?”
“Abbey you’ve got to understand. I’m not ready for this. And I don’t want to be the guy who says ‘let’s have this baby’ and ends up walking out three years later. I can’t be that guy.”
“Then don’t.”
“Abbey. Listen to me. I love you. I really do—but I don’t think I can do this.”
“What if I do?”
Neither of us spoke for some time. Rob stared at the ceiling for what seemed like eternity and I just twirled my fork between my fingers.
I knew what I was doing. I knew that because of my decision, Rob and I were in jeopardy. I knew that and I still told him I wanted to keep the baby. I wasn’t sure what had been going on in my brain, but I said it and I couldn’t—and didn’t want—to take it back. Everything was going to change.
“I think it’s good that I’m leaving for Vancouver in a few days.” I was a little surprised at first—I’d forgotten all about Vancouver! Last month Rob’s agent called to tell him he’d landed another role. Filming started the following week and it had completely slipped my mind.
“You didn’t remember, did you?” I shook my head as a response. “Well, these next few months will give us some time apart…time to think.”
And there it was. I knew it was coming but it hurt a lot more than I anticipated it to.
“Maybe if we’re not together for a while, this will sort of…clear itself up. Yeah?” I hadn’t said a word. The only thing I could do was attempt to keep from crying. And I couldn’t even do that.
“Yeah!” I blurted, covering my wide-open mouth with my hand. I stood up from the table so hastily that I rattled the dishes on top of it. “Yeah—yes.”
I stepped away from the scene, unable to contain my sobs. Why couldn’t I have just scheduled that appointment at the abortion clinic? I had called the office and hung up when someone answered—I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I would rather lose the man who meant everything to me. What the hell was the matter with me?

Rob’s P.O.V.
I watched Abbey from the table. My heart was breaking over and over, an endless cycle. I felt it shatter every time I looked at her. I buried my head in my hands and willed it to put itself back together. Then I heard Abbey’s soft sobs and it would break again. I never meant to hurt her. But a baby—I meant it when I said I didn’t want one. I meant it when I said I wasn’t ready. It was too much.
But I loved her. I knew she wanted to keep the baby and what could I do to stop her? I honestly thought that maybe if we were apart, some cosmic thing would happen and everything would be fixed. It was stupid but I still said it anyway. A lot of things were being said that probably shouldn’t have been, a lot of things were happening that probably shouldn’t be. Maybe she would change her mind, maybe I would change mine. Maybe something else would happen. Maybe. I didn’t want to argue with her about it all so I just said the break would do us some good. I hoped it would.
Abbey turned to face me once again and as much as I wanted to hide from her tears, I looked back at her. Her gold engagement ring glinted in the light as she wiped her face. I wanted to be the one drying her eyes, but when I’d caused the tears I knew it would only make things worse.
“I think I’m going to stay at my parent’s.” She cleared her throat, trying to pretend she was fine. “I don’t really want to stay here. Alone.”
Oh God. This was really happening. We were taking a break. Possibly forever.
“Uh, yeah. Alright. Just tell me if you go somewhere else, I guess. I want to be able to reach you.” It felt weird talking to her like this, making arrangements to separate.
“Yeah, OK. I can do that.” I was thankful that we hadn’t been reduced to name-calling and shouting. That was the last thing I wanted. “I can take Jude with me, so you don’t have to find somewhere else for her to stay. I doubt they want dogs on set.”
Abbey smiled softly, wiping a fresh set of tears away. I couldn’t take seeing her like that anymore.
“Abbey.”

Abbey’s P.O.V.
Rob’s arms wrapped around me and his lips captured mine in a sad kiss. I could taste my tears, as I’m sure he could as well. I didn’t fight him—I wanted to feel this just once more. I pressed my face into his chest and squeezed him tightly. I didn’t want to let him go. But I didn’t want to lose this miracle inside of me either.
The decisions we make in life will continue to astound me. I had knowingly walked into this pain and yet, I wasn’t backing down.
“I just really want this.” I rested my cheek against his chest. I felt it rise and fall as he inhaled deeply.
“I’ve always loved your stubbornness,” Rob murmured as he kissed my forehead.
A fresh wave of tears fell and I pushed him away gently. I couldn’t bear to be in such close proximity any longer. He let me go and sat back down at the table. Once again, his head fell into his hands. I stood behind him for a second, just watching him. I knew this was hurting him as much as it was hurting me. But it was like we had a silent agreement. It hadn’t ended in screaming, no fighting. We both knew that this was the best thing.