After Tonight

I had taken up residence across four seats in the lobby. Abbey’s family was there as well as Tom, Allie and Josh. We had sat hunched in the stiff chairs, downing cups of scalding coffee faster than I could even say coffee—anything to keep us distracted. As the hours ticked on, I had asked the doctors if I could see her exactly forty-six times—I tallied in case I needed record for a lawsuit. Each request received a big fat no.
Everyone busied themselves making plans on how to care for Ella. I didn’t hear a word of it. My eyes, and my thoughts, were fixed on that long, yellow hallway. The sound of footsteps sent my heart beating wildly, but each time it was just another patient or doctor I’d never seen before.
“So Allie and I can stay with them the first couple of weeks, yeah?” Grace held onto her Styrofoam coffee cup with both hands. Allie nodded anxiously as Josh squeezed her knee. “Is that alright, Rob?”
I watched as several nurses pressed their faces against the nursery room window. They waved and made faces. Again, I felt my heart leap. It had to be Ella.
“Rob?” Allie shook my shoulder gently, tears forming in the corners of her eyes.
“Huh?” I rubbed my eyes. “Sorry, I wasn’t really paying attention. What were you saying?”
The girls described their plan to me, which I was grateful for. Of course I was going to need all the help I could get.
“Mr. Pattinson.” I didn’t look up as a familiar voice spoke to me. It would only be another disappointment. “Would you like to see your daughter?”
Oh God yes.
“Yes. Yes, please!” I stood up frantically, feeling somebody squeeze my hand. I followed the nurse to the nursery.
“Take all the time you need.” The nurse smiled as she lingered by the doorway. “Sorry for the wait.”
I looked at her as I wandered to where Ella was sleeping. “Thank you.”
It was quiet. Technically visiting hours were over, but Ella was the only one there. I think the staff had started to feel bad for me as well. I’d been neurotic ever since I’d stepped into the hospital.
Holding Ella in my arms only made me want Abbey more. She was supposed to be a part of this. We were supposed to do all of this together. But I had to take what I could get.
Ella was fast asleep, squirming every once in a while. I pressed my lips to her soft forehead. I didn’t know if it was because I was so tall and she was this tiny little thing, or if because she was the first (real) baby I’d ever held—and that I didn’t send crashing to the floor—but I laughed at my awkwardness. If Abbey were with me, would be teasing me. She’d make some joke and then sit beside me, resting her tired head on my shoulder. We would look at our daughter and laugh at one another, thinking how preposterous it was to have a baby with a stranger you met under the soft glow of neon signs.
“She’s gorgeous, Rob.” Tom appeared by the doorway, hesitant to enter. I nodded my head.
“She looks like Abbey. Her mum showed me some of her baby pictures—she’s nearly identical.”
After a long pause, Tom sighed and looked at me. “Abbey’s going to pull through.”
I didn’t respond. Ella nestled into my chest a little more and I readjusted her blanket. All that time I’d been scared of her. And now, I just wanted to take her home and watch her grow. I wanted to see her take her first steps, drop her off at kindergarten, take her ice skating—take her everywhere and show her everything, teach her everything. I wanted to see her smile, I wanted to make her giggle. But at the moment, holding her was just perfect.
“Rob.” Tom’s voice got serious, but his eyes watered. “She’ll be alright.” I gulped. I knew she would be, but how could I truly believe that when I hadn’t seen her in at least five hours. The last update had come three hours ago. I kept silent, continuing to watch my daughter.
“Who would have thought you’d be a natural at this, eh?” Tom had given up trying to talk sense into me and he just smiled.
“Not me.” I started whispering as Ella gave a small cry. Even her cries were beautiful.
One by one we sat with Ella. She woke up every so often, but she was always silent. I wondered if she knew what was going on, if somewhere in her little mind she knew that none of the people fawning over were her mother. Allie sat beside me the longest. After a few hours everyone left for home, but Allie insisted on staying.
“She’s been my best friend since the tenth grade. Betty Davis’ gym class—oh, that was horrible. I was new, these guys kept whistling at me in my gym shorts. Then here comes this gangly girl with beautiful wavy hair and she beams a basketball right at them.”
“Did she hit them?” I laughed, choking on my words and keeping my eyes on Ella.
“Of course she did.” Allie smiled, dabbing the corners of her eyes. “I’d never met anybody like Abbey. It wasn’t even that she was cool or some sort of wild child. She was just Abbey, you know? And this little baby is going to be just as special.” Allie wiggled her fingers happily as Ella peered up at her.
“Excuse me, Mr. Pattinson?” A man in a white lab coat stepped inside the nursery.
“Yes?” I stood up quickly, smoothing my jeans.
“Would you step out with me for a second?” I nodded and glanced back at Allie, whose eyes were fixed on the doctor.
“Is she alright?”
“Yes, yes Abbey is stable at the moment. We’re doing all we can, but her body is not responding to the treatment. There’s nothing we can do now except wait and hopefully it will kick in.”
“You have to let me see her.” I was nearly begging. The doctor nodded and led me to her room.
“She’s pretty much out right now, but go on in.”
I stood in the doorway, hesitant to enter. Seven hours had passed since I’d last laid eyes on her. And now it was eerie, watching her chest rise and fall to a steady beat produced by one of five machines. Her skin was whiter than the bed sheets, her hair splayed out across her pillow in a fantastic mess.
“Oh God.” I covered my mouth with both my hands, stopping an escaped sob. The doctor, who had been lingering outside the doorway, closed the door behind me as I took a step closer to Abbey.
My first instinct was to run, to back into a corner and stay there until things got better. But I couldn’t move. After an eternity of staring at her sallow face from a distance, I took another step closer, then another. Three more steps and I was on my knees beside her, crying. She looked so delicate, like the slightest touch would shatter her into a million pieces. It would take more than one hundred men to get me away from her now.
I pulled a chair right up to her bedside. As I took her hand in mine, I shuddered at how cold it was. But I didn’t let go.
“Abbey, she’s beautiful,” I whispered. “She’s got your hair, and she’s got blue eyes. Can you believe that? I told them her name was Ella. You said you liked that name, yeah?” I foolishly waited for a response, kicking myself when I realized I wouldn’t get one. “You’ve got to see her. Everyone thinks she’s beautiful. They’re all here—your family, Allie, Josh and Tom.”
I paused again, kissing her hand. I had nothing else to say except how much I loved her and that I needed her, Ella needed her.
…
Before I knew it, daylight filtered in through the blinds. I lifted my head wearily from where I had fallen asleep by Abbey’s bed. As I cracked my neck, my eyes raked over Abbey. She hadn’t moved. Not a single inch. Thankfully her chest continued to rise and fall.
I stretched my arms above my head, never breaking my gaze. When she woke up, I was going to be the first thing she saw.
The hallway outside had filled up and people noisily made their way from one room to another. The clock on the bedside table read ten forty-five. I couldn’t even remember what time I’d been allowed in, let alone what time I conked out.
“Look who’s here.” The door opened slowly and Allie walked in carrying Ella. Allie held the tiny girl close to her chest, murmuring to her as she kissed Ella’s forehead. “Look who it is.”
Our eyes met again. I smiled. Was it possible for her to know who I was? Allie walked to over to where I stood, half-smiling. She placed a quick kiss on my cheek and handed Ella off to me. I accepted her graciously, already loving how warm her little body felt in my arms.
“She’s been like this all night.” We turned our attention to Abbey and Allie pulled up another chair. “That doctor, he said she wasn’t responding to treatment. All we can do is wait.”
“She’ll be fine.” Allie nodded, inhaling sharply. “She’ll be alright. Ella, that’s your mommy.” Allie reached over and rubbed Ella’s belly. Somewhat of a gurgle came out of her mouth and she squirmed in my arms.
“How long have you been up?” I held Ella closer, taking in that baby powder scent I’d become so accustomed to the previous night. I kissed her forehead.
“The janitor woke me up around eight. I got some coffee, made a few phone calls. They’re all coming back sooner or later. Do you want some coffee?”
“I need to stretch my legs.” I stood up, kissed Ella once more and handed her back to Allie. She smiled brightly as Ella nestled right back into her arms.
As I wandered around looking for the coffee cart, I felt all eyes drift to me. Nurses, doctors, patients, visitors. Everyone. I wasn’t sure whether or I not I was only being paranoid. But I didn’t want this to get out. I didn’t want everybody and their cousin to know that Abbey nearly died giving birth to our daughter. I didn’t want Ella’s name slapped across every tabloid in the nation. At that moment, I would have given anything for a magic transporter to zap us to the safety of our flat. Even an invisibility cloak would have done the trick.
I was on my way back to the room when something hit me. Faye. Faye was here. She had to see her granddaughter, if anything. I wondered if she knew about Ella, about Abbey. Surely Abbey’s dad would have seen her by now.
“Allie, you want to go for a walk?”
We left Ella in the nursery even though neither of us wanted to let her go. After finding out what room Faye was in, we made the hike to the next floor.
“You’re handling this really well, you know?” Allie took a sip from her coffee as we stepped into the elevator. I snorted.
“Yes, and I also possess the ability to fly.”
“No,” she chuckled. “I mean it. You seem so…so unruffled by that whole thing, like you and Abbey planned this extended nap of hers and you know you’re going to walk out of here hand in hand this evening.”
“Need I remind you I act for a living?” Allie looked up at me suspiciously.
“Huh. You’re better than I thought.”
“I haven’t stopped thinking the worst. I can’t get her face out of my head. I can’t breathe half the time, I can’t think.”
“At least I’m not the only nutcase in this elevator.” She wrung her hands. “Do you think she’s going to make it?”
“She has to.”