The Beat Goes On

After Dr. Valler confirmed that I was indeed a month along, she explained all of our options. She knew that Rob and I weren’t the least bit excited about this. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to have more babies with Rob—because really, who wouldn’t? What I couldn’t grasp was why I wanted to have this baby with everything we went through the first time. I couldn’t imagine what would happen the second time around.
“I, uh, we don’t know…” I wrung my hands and fought back tears. Rob, even after all those LaMaze classes, looked slightly uncomfortable sitting in a room with pictures of fetuses on the walls. If I were in a better state, I would have poked fun at him.
“Well,” Dr. Valler spoke kindly. I knew she had to see hundreds of women in my condition. “As you know, abortion is always an option if you are worried about having complications. However, if you would like to keep your baby I can safely say that your chances of having a repeat labor are slim to none. The first delivery is always the most complicated—especially if there was already a warning flag. We usually prefer doing cesarean sections for second deliveries, which also eliminates a lot of problems.”
Rob rubbed his forehead as she spoke. Between the two of us, he was the one who couldn’t sleep a wink the night before. His eyes were bloodshot, his voice was horse, and his fingers itched for a cigarette. Frankly, he had every right to feel the way he did. He had to watch it all the first time. He was the one who would be left with two young children if something went wrong. I looked at him, but his eyes never left the floor. I watched him as he discretely tried to wipe the fresh tears from his eyes. He wasn’t thinking about me, or himself; he was thinking about Ella.
“I think I’ll give you both some time to talk this over.” Dr. Valler, obviously noticing the lack of communication between husband and wife, left the room.
“Abbey…” Rob was at a loss. He stood beside the examining table, hands on my legs. “I don’t think I can watch this again.”
“I know.” I grabbed one his hands and pulled him closer, wanting nothing more than to lose myself in his arms. Rob hoisted himself up onto the table and let me fall against his chest. Instinctively, he rested a hand on my stomach.
“What are we going to do?” I had given up thinking that things were ever going to be smooth for us.
“Ella can’t go through this.” Rob’s voice was firm. “I don’t think you should have the baby.” I began to cry.
“I just…I want it so badly. Ya know?”
“Abbey...” I felt Rob sigh.
“But the doctor,” I had no idea why I was protesting against him. “She said it would be better this time.”
“Are you serious?” Rob’s fingers were almost digging into my shoulders. He jerked me around to face him. I couldn’t meet his eye. Why were none of our pregnancies happy ones?
“I think I am.” Jesus, it was all deja-vu.
“Well,” Rob stared hard at me for a second or two. Then he dropped his head into the crook of my neck. “I think you know what I think.”
Rob ran his hand along my calf, squeezing my knee. “But obviously you’re not hearing it. Do you trust her enough to consider having another baby?”
“How bad do we want another baby?” Biting my lip, I tapped his leg with my heel. We had never discussed this. Rob looked up at me, chewing on his the inside of his cheek.
“A lot.”
“Really?” I grinned, wiping away a few stray tears. “You want another baby? You?”
“Yes.” Rob shook my leg a little, chuckling, but he regained his seriousness quickly. “But not if this is going to hurt you. You went through enough the first time, yeah?”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” I couldn’t shake my smile.
“Because you’re stubborn.” His hand stopped again on my stomach. “I knew if I said anything you’d be acting well, just like this. You’re ignoring everything else.”
“I’m going to get Dr. Valler.” I hopped off the table, pulling together the back of my hideous examining gown.
“Abbey, wait.” Rob stood up and followed me. He grabbed one of my hands and pulled me back.
“Rob…” He hugged me into his chest.
“Are you sure?” As he spoke, his voice cracked a little.
“She said it would be different this time.”
“I heard her, but maybe we could adopt or something.”
“I know you really don’t want to do that. I don’t want to do that.”
“I don’t want my children to lose their mum either.” His eyes blazed.
“Well,” I cleared my throat. “Let’s talk to the doctor some more and see what else she has to say. Alright?”
“Goddamit, Abbey!” Rob dropped his hands and stepped back, shaking his head. “You don’t get it, do you?”
“Rob—” I started toward him but he held up his hands.
“What else can I say to make you see?” He looked at me helplessly. “You could die and I will not watch it happen.”