‹ Prequel: After Tonight
The Beat Goes On
The Great Divide
Rob wasn’t waiting for me in the lobby. Instead he was leaning up against the side of the building, smoking a cigarette. My eyes widened in surprise—he hadn’t lit up in at least seven years. Nothing had pushed him over the edge. When he noticed my shock he shrugged as if to say, “it’s your fault I’m trying to inadvertently kill myself again”. After inhaling once more, he flicked the cigarette onto the sidewalk. His eyes followed me as I walked over to him but he never said a word. He stood up and shoved his hands in his pockets, turning toward the street. While I fidgeted with the pockets on my jeans, Rob hailed a cab. The first several blocks were ridden in silence. Rob managed to stare at every person on the sidewalk. He thumbed the fresh pack of Marlboro’s and contemplated crumpling the pack at least once. But he only continued to play with them.
“So are we going to talk about this,” I asked sharply. “Or are you going to act like a toddler for the rest of the day?”
“I really don’t see what else there is to talk about.” Rob narrowed his eyes.
“I have an appointment at the clinic next Thursday.” Pressing my head against the glass, I sighed.
I’d spent an hour discussing things with Doctor Valler, and though she assured me my health would be alright, I decided that Rob was right. There seemed to be no convincing him otherwise.
“What?”
“I said, I have an appointment next—”
“I heard you.” Rob’s face suddenly softened. “Are you…are you serious?” My eyes began to water and I looked down at my lap. “Abbey.”
Nodding, I frantically tried to wipe the tears spilling down my cheeks. Rob grabbed me and pulled me across the seat. He kissed me forehead and my cheeks, telling me that he was sorry. I only shook my head, feeling hollow.
…
“Do you want me to go with you?” Rob poked his head into the bedroom. It was Tuesday evening and I’d been less than cheerful company since our visit to the doctor.
To be honest, I didn’t know if I wanted Rob there. While I knew Rob only loved me, thinking about what was best for us all, I was so angry. At what or who I wasn’t sure, but for the while it needed to be projected and Rob was the perfect target. What made it worse was that I didn’t want him to see me that way. I was ripped down the center and feeling that way pulled emotions from me that I never knew I had. I felt embarrassed that I had even argued to keep the baby in the first place. What kind of mother is selfish enough to consider putting her family through god-knows-what just because it’s what she wants? I was certain that sort of behavior was in The Bad Mother’s Handbook—it would have really shamed my own mother.
“If you want to go,” I mumbled. “But if you’ve got something going on, please don’t cancel it for your unborn child.”
Biting my tongue, I felt disgusted with myself. I looked up at Rob, who was merely standing in the doorway looking as if I’d given him an Indian burn on top of kicking him in the shin. He didn’t deserve to be treated that way. At all.
Instead of striking back with something sharp, giving me a taste of my own medicine, Rob just shook his head solemnly.
“I’ll be there.” He muttered these words quietly and walked out the door with his tail between his legs.
“Rob!” I choked out his name as he was about to close the door. He lingered outside of it, his fingers firmly wrapped around the doorknob. When he looked back at me, my chest tightened. “I love you.”
At first, he just knitted his forehead like he was trying to figure out if my sentiment was genuine. But then he smiled softly and nodded.
“I know,” he whispered. I nodded in return, just to assure myself that things the two of us were not walking on paper-thin ice.
…
“Momma?” Ella stood in front of the closed door clutching her coloring book. “Are you awake?”
This made me smile: not a second before had she come careening through the door, slamming it.
“I am, tootse.” I propped myself up on the pillows. “Come on up.” She snuggled beside me, her soft breath dancing on my skin.
“Daddy says you’re sick.” She rested her chin against a small, tight fist and looked at me wide-eyed. She’d never looked more like Rob.
“He’s right.” I nodded, watching her face drop. “But I am going to be alright, and you know why? Because I have you and Daddy, and I love you both so much.”
“And we love you!” Ella piped in cheerfully.
“You do, and Daddy would never let anything happen to me—”
“No, he wouldn’t.” She shook her head seriously. “Or me.”
“That’s right.” I sighed. “And that is why I will be OK.”
“Because Daddy makes everything better!”
Yes he did make everything better. And I was being a fool not letting him.
Rob’s P.O.V.
Abbey had been miserable all week. A part of me felt responsible, aside for the obvious reason. While I thought she was being a tad selfish, I felt that maybe I should have listened to what the doctor had to say, maybe I should have given her more of a chance. I realized that I was probably the one being irrational. But when I would look at Ella, smiling at me—oblivious to the whole thing—over her bowl of Rice Crispies (she liked them because Abbey liked them), I was absolutely positive that Abbey was in the wrong. Ella would smile that familiar smile and tell me that I should eat breakfast because “Mom says it is what makes people smart”—she didn’t want me to me “unsmart”.
I was in uncharted waters with this one. Tom, now a proud parent of a beautiful one-year-old, had no advice to give. He and Grace didn’t have the problems that Abbey and I did. To him, though he never actually said it verbatim, being a father had been easy. Ruby had shot out of Grace like a grease-slicked bullet—less than one hour, no drugs or life-saving surgeries needed. Abbey had cried in my arms for days after Grace’s labor—she apologized to me over and over as if everything that had happened was somehow her fault. I didn’t know where to turn and my head was reeling with absolutely ludicrous thoughts of what life could be like if Abbey and I never started using more than simple sentences to communicate with one another again.
“Do you want me to go with you?” I quietly poked my head inside the bedroom. Abbey was face down on the bed.
“If you want to.” She rolled over and looked me straight in the eye. “But if you’ve got something going on, please don’t cancel it for your unborn child.”
Leave to Abbey to kick me when I was down. She who knew me best knew every weak spot, every place the armor didn’t cover. While I wanted to yell at her, ask her what the fuck more could she possibly want from me, I simply retreated. Fight or flight.
“Rob!” I heard her shout my name and I cringed. Was she not finished? “I love you.”
She was back again. Her voice was weak and her eyes were rimmed with red. I took it all in and the site weighed in Abbey’s favor.
“I know.” I did know. I knew her better than she knew herself and I knew that the person she was angry with wasn’t me at all—it was herself. And that made me feel a hell of a lot worse.
“Daddy,” Ella looked up from her coloring books. “Is Momma sick?”
“Yeah,” I answered coolly. “Yes. She’s not feeling too bright, but you know, I bet if you went in there to show her your coloring she’d be a lot happier.”
That head of dark curls bobbed fiercely. Ella hopped of the chair on a mission and skittered across the floor into the bedroom. The door opened and closed with a loud thwack, rattling the picture frames on the wall beside it.
I collapsed onto the couch, disturbing Jude from her slumber. She stood up, stiffly making her way toward me.
“Do you have all the answers, girl?” I grabbed her snout and kissed it. Jude just stared at me with those dopey eyes. I wondered how much she really knew.
…
Ella emerged an hour or so later. She walked straight up to me and wrapped her short arms around my neck. Startled, but appreciative, I held onto her tightly.
“Momma said you needed a hug,” Ella whispered. She smiled softly and knowingly, and in that second I saw how much wisdom she actually possessed.
“Thank you, Ellie.” I managed to kiss the top of her head before she raced into the kitchen. She filled a glass of water and walked back into the bedroom, closing the door gently behind her.
After an hour or so passed, I was restless. I wanted to be in the bedroom with my wife and my daughter, but it was probably best for everyone’s sake that I wasn’t. I scribbled a quick note, stuck it to the table and left. While Jude and I made our way to Washington Square Park, I pulled out my mobile. I had an itch that needed to be scratched: I called Dr. Valler.
Abbey’s P.O.V.
When Ella decided she was hungry, I thought it’d be best if I get her dinner. I refused to sink any lower by not taking care of my existing child.
The flat was quiet, making me a little nervous until I found Rob’s note.
Be back soon.
I love you.
- Rob
“Alright, Elle.” I pulled my hair into a bun and clapped my hands. “What would you like to eat?”
“Mac ‘n Cheese.” Ella smiled, knowing that at this point she probably could have said ice cream and I would have given it to her.
“That, I can do.”
We sat across from one another at the table. Ella was a fan of I Spy and frequently requested we play, oh, five times a day.
“I Spy with my little eye,” she chirped. “Something…orange.”
“Oh man.” I pretended to think really hard, but I already knew the answer. Ella always picked the chair. Always. “The lamp in the living room?”
“No!” Ella smiled triumphantly and shoveled more of her dinner into her mouth.
“The rug in the kitchen?”
“No!”
“The chair?”
“How did you guess?” Ella’s brow furrowed but she only shrugged and bit into a cucumber slice.
“So it’s my turn.” I cracked my knuckles and looked around. “I Spy with my little eye…” As I was speaking, Rob quietly appeared in the doorway. He immediately noticed our game and held a finger to his lips.
“Alright.” I began again. “I Spy with my little eye, something tall.”
Ella set her fork down, still unaware Rob was standing behind her. She pointed to the lamp and I shook my head. Next was the window and the bookshelves. Nope. Rob, who was now propped up against the wall, cleared his throat.
Ella turned around and pointed. “Daddy!”
She offered up her Mac ‘n Cheese to which Rob accepted. He took a single noodle and popped it into his mouth. He squeezed my shoulder as he walked past into the kitchen.
…
Rob and I stood by Ella’s door, watching her sleep in the dark. We’d finished reading her bedtime story, complete with silly voices. I loved the way her eyes lit up whenever the plot thickened, despite the fact she knew the story of Beauty and the Beast by heart.
I looked up at Rob. His eyes were fixed on Ella, his brow knitted.
“So are we going to talk about this,” I asked sharply. “Or are you going to act like a toddler for the rest of the day?”
“I really don’t see what else there is to talk about.” Rob narrowed his eyes.
“I have an appointment at the clinic next Thursday.” Pressing my head against the glass, I sighed.
I’d spent an hour discussing things with Doctor Valler, and though she assured me my health would be alright, I decided that Rob was right. There seemed to be no convincing him otherwise.
“What?”
“I said, I have an appointment next—”
“I heard you.” Rob’s face suddenly softened. “Are you…are you serious?” My eyes began to water and I looked down at my lap. “Abbey.”
Nodding, I frantically tried to wipe the tears spilling down my cheeks. Rob grabbed me and pulled me across the seat. He kissed me forehead and my cheeks, telling me that he was sorry. I only shook my head, feeling hollow.
…
“Do you want me to go with you?” Rob poked his head into the bedroom. It was Tuesday evening and I’d been less than cheerful company since our visit to the doctor.
To be honest, I didn’t know if I wanted Rob there. While I knew Rob only loved me, thinking about what was best for us all, I was so angry. At what or who I wasn’t sure, but for the while it needed to be projected and Rob was the perfect target. What made it worse was that I didn’t want him to see me that way. I was ripped down the center and feeling that way pulled emotions from me that I never knew I had. I felt embarrassed that I had even argued to keep the baby in the first place. What kind of mother is selfish enough to consider putting her family through god-knows-what just because it’s what she wants? I was certain that sort of behavior was in The Bad Mother’s Handbook—it would have really shamed my own mother.
“If you want to go,” I mumbled. “But if you’ve got something going on, please don’t cancel it for your unborn child.”
Biting my tongue, I felt disgusted with myself. I looked up at Rob, who was merely standing in the doorway looking as if I’d given him an Indian burn on top of kicking him in the shin. He didn’t deserve to be treated that way. At all.
Instead of striking back with something sharp, giving me a taste of my own medicine, Rob just shook his head solemnly.
“I’ll be there.” He muttered these words quietly and walked out the door with his tail between his legs.
“Rob!” I choked out his name as he was about to close the door. He lingered outside of it, his fingers firmly wrapped around the doorknob. When he looked back at me, my chest tightened. “I love you.”
At first, he just knitted his forehead like he was trying to figure out if my sentiment was genuine. But then he smiled softly and nodded.
“I know,” he whispered. I nodded in return, just to assure myself that things the two of us were not walking on paper-thin ice.
…
“Momma?” Ella stood in front of the closed door clutching her coloring book. “Are you awake?”
This made me smile: not a second before had she come careening through the door, slamming it.
“I am, tootse.” I propped myself up on the pillows. “Come on up.” She snuggled beside me, her soft breath dancing on my skin.
“Daddy says you’re sick.” She rested her chin against a small, tight fist and looked at me wide-eyed. She’d never looked more like Rob.
“He’s right.” I nodded, watching her face drop. “But I am going to be alright, and you know why? Because I have you and Daddy, and I love you both so much.”
“And we love you!” Ella piped in cheerfully.
“You do, and Daddy would never let anything happen to me—”
“No, he wouldn’t.” She shook her head seriously. “Or me.”
“That’s right.” I sighed. “And that is why I will be OK.”
“Because Daddy makes everything better!”
Yes he did make everything better. And I was being a fool not letting him.
Rob’s P.O.V.
Abbey had been miserable all week. A part of me felt responsible, aside for the obvious reason. While I thought she was being a tad selfish, I felt that maybe I should have listened to what the doctor had to say, maybe I should have given her more of a chance. I realized that I was probably the one being irrational. But when I would look at Ella, smiling at me—oblivious to the whole thing—over her bowl of Rice Crispies (she liked them because Abbey liked them), I was absolutely positive that Abbey was in the wrong. Ella would smile that familiar smile and tell me that I should eat breakfast because “Mom says it is what makes people smart”—she didn’t want me to me “unsmart”.
I was in uncharted waters with this one. Tom, now a proud parent of a beautiful one-year-old, had no advice to give. He and Grace didn’t have the problems that Abbey and I did. To him, though he never actually said it verbatim, being a father had been easy. Ruby had shot out of Grace like a grease-slicked bullet—less than one hour, no drugs or life-saving surgeries needed. Abbey had cried in my arms for days after Grace’s labor—she apologized to me over and over as if everything that had happened was somehow her fault. I didn’t know where to turn and my head was reeling with absolutely ludicrous thoughts of what life could be like if Abbey and I never started using more than simple sentences to communicate with one another again.
“Do you want me to go with you?” I quietly poked my head inside the bedroom. Abbey was face down on the bed.
“If you want to.” She rolled over and looked me straight in the eye. “But if you’ve got something going on, please don’t cancel it for your unborn child.”
Leave to Abbey to kick me when I was down. She who knew me best knew every weak spot, every place the armor didn’t cover. While I wanted to yell at her, ask her what the fuck more could she possibly want from me, I simply retreated. Fight or flight.
“Rob!” I heard her shout my name and I cringed. Was she not finished? “I love you.”
She was back again. Her voice was weak and her eyes were rimmed with red. I took it all in and the site weighed in Abbey’s favor.
“I know.” I did know. I knew her better than she knew herself and I knew that the person she was angry with wasn’t me at all—it was herself. And that made me feel a hell of a lot worse.
“Daddy,” Ella looked up from her coloring books. “Is Momma sick?”
“Yeah,” I answered coolly. “Yes. She’s not feeling too bright, but you know, I bet if you went in there to show her your coloring she’d be a lot happier.”
That head of dark curls bobbed fiercely. Ella hopped of the chair on a mission and skittered across the floor into the bedroom. The door opened and closed with a loud thwack, rattling the picture frames on the wall beside it.
I collapsed onto the couch, disturbing Jude from her slumber. She stood up, stiffly making her way toward me.
“Do you have all the answers, girl?” I grabbed her snout and kissed it. Jude just stared at me with those dopey eyes. I wondered how much she really knew.
…
Ella emerged an hour or so later. She walked straight up to me and wrapped her short arms around my neck. Startled, but appreciative, I held onto her tightly.
“Momma said you needed a hug,” Ella whispered. She smiled softly and knowingly, and in that second I saw how much wisdom she actually possessed.
“Thank you, Ellie.” I managed to kiss the top of her head before she raced into the kitchen. She filled a glass of water and walked back into the bedroom, closing the door gently behind her.
After an hour or so passed, I was restless. I wanted to be in the bedroom with my wife and my daughter, but it was probably best for everyone’s sake that I wasn’t. I scribbled a quick note, stuck it to the table and left. While Jude and I made our way to Washington Square Park, I pulled out my mobile. I had an itch that needed to be scratched: I called Dr. Valler.
Abbey’s P.O.V.
When Ella decided she was hungry, I thought it’d be best if I get her dinner. I refused to sink any lower by not taking care of my existing child.
The flat was quiet, making me a little nervous until I found Rob’s note.
Be back soon.
I love you.
- Rob
“Alright, Elle.” I pulled my hair into a bun and clapped my hands. “What would you like to eat?”
“Mac ‘n Cheese.” Ella smiled, knowing that at this point she probably could have said ice cream and I would have given it to her.
“That, I can do.”
We sat across from one another at the table. Ella was a fan of I Spy and frequently requested we play, oh, five times a day.
“I Spy with my little eye,” she chirped. “Something…orange.”
“Oh man.” I pretended to think really hard, but I already knew the answer. Ella always picked the chair. Always. “The lamp in the living room?”
“No!” Ella smiled triumphantly and shoveled more of her dinner into her mouth.
“The rug in the kitchen?”
“No!”
“The chair?”
“How did you guess?” Ella’s brow furrowed but she only shrugged and bit into a cucumber slice.
“So it’s my turn.” I cracked my knuckles and looked around. “I Spy with my little eye…” As I was speaking, Rob quietly appeared in the doorway. He immediately noticed our game and held a finger to his lips.
“Alright.” I began again. “I Spy with my little eye, something tall.”
Ella set her fork down, still unaware Rob was standing behind her. She pointed to the lamp and I shook my head. Next was the window and the bookshelves. Nope. Rob, who was now propped up against the wall, cleared his throat.
Ella turned around and pointed. “Daddy!”
She offered up her Mac ‘n Cheese to which Rob accepted. He took a single noodle and popped it into his mouth. He squeezed my shoulder as he walked past into the kitchen.
…
Rob and I stood by Ella’s door, watching her sleep in the dark. We’d finished reading her bedtime story, complete with silly voices. I loved the way her eyes lit up whenever the plot thickened, despite the fact she knew the story of Beauty and the Beast by heart.
I looked up at Rob. His eyes were fixed on Ella, his brow knitted.