‹ Prequel: After Tonight
The Beat Goes On
His Girls
“So how do you want to tell him?” Rob sat across from me on the bed, the telephone in between us. We hadn’t told our parents, so we figured we’d better start with the most difficult.
“Maybe you could…” I cowered against the headrest. “But then again, no.”
“We’re both going to tell him,” Rob shook his head. “I meant how, where?”
“We should probably stop by the apartment.”
…
Three hours later the three of us were seated around the small kitchen table at my dad’s apartment. He stared at the two of us, blankly.
“What I don’t get, is why you are being so ignorant?” That question was directed at me. Then to Rob he said, “And you—didn’t you learn your lesson the first time?”
“Dad—”
“What about Ella? Have you even thought about your other child—the one you nearly died trying to have?”
Rob pinched the bridge of his nose and looked down at the warped wood.
“It’s going to be different this time, Dad.” I reached across the table to squeeze his hand but he shook it off.
“Are you a psychic now?”
…
Nobody was happy about my pregnancy. Not one single person aside from Ella. When we called Rob’s family, we only heard silence. Our friends thought we were joking with them, which made me wonder if Rob and I really had such poor senses of humor. I was worried that maybe this wasn’t going to be that great of an idea, no matter how many times the doctors reassured us that everything would work out fine.
After coming home from that long afternoon at the clinic, we quietly discussed how we were going to tell Ella. She, of course, had no idea the trouble I’d gone through with her birth and was ecstatic. The first thing she did was sort through her collection of stuffed animals. I was thrilled to see a smile appear on Rob’s lips when she brought out Ted, her beloved giraffe, and placed it in his lap. At least she was catching onto the sharing thing quickly. I could hardly get from our bedroom to the front door without Ella pressing her ear against my stomach, in case her “baby wanted to say hello”.
Since our final decision, Rob hardly spoke. I knew he wasn’t disappearing altogether because he made sure that I was never carless about a single move, and I always felt his arms around me when I woke up in the middle of the night. It still made me nervous; what was this going to do to us? He’d taken up smoking again, but I told him from the get-go that if he ever smoked inside I would kick him out. He obliged.
I wanted this to be fun for us, because he had missed out on a lot with Ella. And sometimes, I knew he was enjoying it. But it was so difficult. I’d exhausted myself trying to figure out new ways to make him smile. He was so convinced we needed to do this by the book, so I tried to be as cooperative as I could. We’d walk Ella to school in the mornings, and came back to the flat to veg out and watch movies. When Ella would come home, we’d take Jude for a walk. I cooked all the time, hoping food would somehow draw him back in. At one point I tacked up a little onesie on the front door that said “Team Edward” so he’d see it when came home. He laughed for a quick second before disappearing into the bedroom, the onesie hanging out of his back pocket.
By the time I started to wear down, I hardly had anything to show for my efforts.
“Rob.” I was so frustrated with him. I could have stripped naked and he wouldn’t have gotten excited. “We can have sex. It’s perfectly healthy.”
“I’m not taking any chances,” he challenged.
“With what?” Even without a tummy, he wouldn’t sleep with me.
“Abbey, come on. You know how careful we have to be.” This was the most cautious I’d ever seen Rob. It was uncharacteristically careful and it was pissing me off. “Why are you being so cavalier with all of this?”
“I’m not being cavalier with anything. The doctor said this is alright, you know it. And you can’t say it’s because I’m fat—I haven’t even gained ten pounds yet.” I exposed my stomach and rubbed my hand over it. “See?”
Rob stood up and soon he was towering over me. He looked upset, which was his general disposition these days.
“You don’t get it.”
“Oh my fucking God.” I blinked. “You want a divorce.”
“Wha—no.”
“It’s only been three months Rob.”
“I don’t want a divorce,” he shouted. “Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? My God, you’re bloody frustrating.”
“Well,” I seethed. “If you think I want to fuck you now, you’re wrong.”
I walked past him and into the living room, leaving him standing there just shaking his head.
…
The month of October blew by, leaving behind candy wrappers and an ever-gaping hole between Rob and myself. I was falling apart bit by bit and finding that he wasn’t there to pick up the pieces. Whenever I tried to talk to him, he would disappear.
And then he told me that he was leaving for Los Angeles.
“There’s an audition,” Rob explained as he stuffed his clothes into a suitcase. “But filming won’t start until after she’s born—”
“She?” I bit back tears as I watched him pack.
“Uh,” he looked over his shoulder at me, letting his eyes settle on mine. “Yeah. I uh, I think it’s going to be a girl.”
“You want another girl?” I hastily wiped my eyes. There hadn’t been room for discussion, but I’d been hoping it would be another girl too.
Rob dropped the small stack of shirts and turned around. He let his fingers fall to my stomach.
“Yeah,” he said softly. “I do.”
“No boy?” This single moment gave me a glimmer of hope.
“Nah. I kind of prefer being outnumbered.” Rob carefully pulled me closer and planted a kiss on my forehead. He sighed and I basked in the tickle of his breath on my skin. “It’ll just be a couple of weeks.”
“Weeks?” I was a little puzzled. Thanksgiving was coming up, as was Ella’s birthday. We didn’t have weeks. “That seems a little long for an audition?”
“Abbey.” The fingers on my back tensed before letting go of me altogether. “I need some time…I, I just need a break.”
“Wha—?” A lump the size of a grapefruit settled in my throat. “A break?”
“I have to clear my head.”
“Of what?” Tears had shamelessly begun to drip down my cheeks.
“Abbey.” My name hung from his lips like a cloud. “I just have to go.”
“You’re just leaving us because you ‘have to’?”
“It’s not like that. I’m not leaving you.” Rob’s voice was tired.
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not.
I stared hard into his eyes, hoping to find an answer in the blue. But I couldn’t.
“Don’t forget Ella’s birthday.” I gave up and turned away. Rob went back to packing and was gone when I woke up the next morning.
Rob’s P.O.V.
I’d done it again. If devastating people you loved more than life itself was a sport, I would be a gold medalist.
She tried so bloody hard to make me happy. I watched her, painfully I might add, try to make me as much a part of this pregnancy as she was. She showed me the calendar she kept of what the baby looked like each week and how much she grew—the due date was circled in orange Sharpie several months ahead. She even tacked it up in the bathroom in case I ever got curious. When the baby started kicking, she tracked me down at the playground with Ella. Abbey knew how great of a deal it was to me that she was having the baby in the first place and she wanted to make it as good of an experience for me as she could. She was all about pleasing me.
But me, I couldn’t figure out what was going on with me.
I should have never opened my mouth that afternoon. This was too much. Watching her walk around with that thing in her stomach sparked something in me I had never felt. It was the strangest sort of anger, fear and sadness all rolled into one. I had seen it the first time. I had seen her come so close to the edge and I knew I couldn’t make my life work if she were to fall off it.
It was as if I was preparing myself for her death. Somewhere inside I felt that if I detached now, it wouldn’t be so hard—which was incredibly foolish of me. I was intentionally letting it all slip through my fingers, but when I realized that it was already too far gone.
…
“Will you be back for my birfday?” Ella looked me square in the eyes as I tucked her in. I could see her lower lip begin to tremble.
“Yes.” I pushed back her hair and kissed her forehead. “I promise you, alright?”
“Pinkie?” She held up her tiny finger.
“Pinkie.”
“Maybe you could…” I cowered against the headrest. “But then again, no.”
“We’re both going to tell him,” Rob shook his head. “I meant how, where?”
“We should probably stop by the apartment.”
…
Three hours later the three of us were seated around the small kitchen table at my dad’s apartment. He stared at the two of us, blankly.
“What I don’t get, is why you are being so ignorant?” That question was directed at me. Then to Rob he said, “And you—didn’t you learn your lesson the first time?”
“Dad—”
“What about Ella? Have you even thought about your other child—the one you nearly died trying to have?”
Rob pinched the bridge of his nose and looked down at the warped wood.
“It’s going to be different this time, Dad.” I reached across the table to squeeze his hand but he shook it off.
“Are you a psychic now?”
…
Nobody was happy about my pregnancy. Not one single person aside from Ella. When we called Rob’s family, we only heard silence. Our friends thought we were joking with them, which made me wonder if Rob and I really had such poor senses of humor. I was worried that maybe this wasn’t going to be that great of an idea, no matter how many times the doctors reassured us that everything would work out fine.
After coming home from that long afternoon at the clinic, we quietly discussed how we were going to tell Ella. She, of course, had no idea the trouble I’d gone through with her birth and was ecstatic. The first thing she did was sort through her collection of stuffed animals. I was thrilled to see a smile appear on Rob’s lips when she brought out Ted, her beloved giraffe, and placed it in his lap. At least she was catching onto the sharing thing quickly. I could hardly get from our bedroom to the front door without Ella pressing her ear against my stomach, in case her “baby wanted to say hello”.
Since our final decision, Rob hardly spoke. I knew he wasn’t disappearing altogether because he made sure that I was never carless about a single move, and I always felt his arms around me when I woke up in the middle of the night. It still made me nervous; what was this going to do to us? He’d taken up smoking again, but I told him from the get-go that if he ever smoked inside I would kick him out. He obliged.
I wanted this to be fun for us, because he had missed out on a lot with Ella. And sometimes, I knew he was enjoying it. But it was so difficult. I’d exhausted myself trying to figure out new ways to make him smile. He was so convinced we needed to do this by the book, so I tried to be as cooperative as I could. We’d walk Ella to school in the mornings, and came back to the flat to veg out and watch movies. When Ella would come home, we’d take Jude for a walk. I cooked all the time, hoping food would somehow draw him back in. At one point I tacked up a little onesie on the front door that said “Team Edward” so he’d see it when came home. He laughed for a quick second before disappearing into the bedroom, the onesie hanging out of his back pocket.
By the time I started to wear down, I hardly had anything to show for my efforts.
“Rob.” I was so frustrated with him. I could have stripped naked and he wouldn’t have gotten excited. “We can have sex. It’s perfectly healthy.”
“I’m not taking any chances,” he challenged.
“With what?” Even without a tummy, he wouldn’t sleep with me.
“Abbey, come on. You know how careful we have to be.” This was the most cautious I’d ever seen Rob. It was uncharacteristically careful and it was pissing me off. “Why are you being so cavalier with all of this?”
“I’m not being cavalier with anything. The doctor said this is alright, you know it. And you can’t say it’s because I’m fat—I haven’t even gained ten pounds yet.” I exposed my stomach and rubbed my hand over it. “See?”
Rob stood up and soon he was towering over me. He looked upset, which was his general disposition these days.
“You don’t get it.”
“Oh my fucking God.” I blinked. “You want a divorce.”
“Wha—no.”
“It’s only been three months Rob.”
“I don’t want a divorce,” he shouted. “Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? My God, you’re bloody frustrating.”
“Well,” I seethed. “If you think I want to fuck you now, you’re wrong.”
I walked past him and into the living room, leaving him standing there just shaking his head.
…
The month of October blew by, leaving behind candy wrappers and an ever-gaping hole between Rob and myself. I was falling apart bit by bit and finding that he wasn’t there to pick up the pieces. Whenever I tried to talk to him, he would disappear.
And then he told me that he was leaving for Los Angeles.
“There’s an audition,” Rob explained as he stuffed his clothes into a suitcase. “But filming won’t start until after she’s born—”
“She?” I bit back tears as I watched him pack.
“Uh,” he looked over his shoulder at me, letting his eyes settle on mine. “Yeah. I uh, I think it’s going to be a girl.”
“You want another girl?” I hastily wiped my eyes. There hadn’t been room for discussion, but I’d been hoping it would be another girl too.
Rob dropped the small stack of shirts and turned around. He let his fingers fall to my stomach.
“Yeah,” he said softly. “I do.”
“No boy?” This single moment gave me a glimmer of hope.
“Nah. I kind of prefer being outnumbered.” Rob carefully pulled me closer and planted a kiss on my forehead. He sighed and I basked in the tickle of his breath on my skin. “It’ll just be a couple of weeks.”
“Weeks?” I was a little puzzled. Thanksgiving was coming up, as was Ella’s birthday. We didn’t have weeks. “That seems a little long for an audition?”
“Abbey.” The fingers on my back tensed before letting go of me altogether. “I need some time…I, I just need a break.”
“Wha—?” A lump the size of a grapefruit settled in my throat. “A break?”
“I have to clear my head.”
“Of what?” Tears had shamelessly begun to drip down my cheeks.
“Abbey.” My name hung from his lips like a cloud. “I just have to go.”
“You’re just leaving us because you ‘have to’?”
“It’s not like that. I’m not leaving you.” Rob’s voice was tired.
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not.
I stared hard into his eyes, hoping to find an answer in the blue. But I couldn’t.
“Don’t forget Ella’s birthday.” I gave up and turned away. Rob went back to packing and was gone when I woke up the next morning.
Rob’s P.O.V.
I’d done it again. If devastating people you loved more than life itself was a sport, I would be a gold medalist.
She tried so bloody hard to make me happy. I watched her, painfully I might add, try to make me as much a part of this pregnancy as she was. She showed me the calendar she kept of what the baby looked like each week and how much she grew—the due date was circled in orange Sharpie several months ahead. She even tacked it up in the bathroom in case I ever got curious. When the baby started kicking, she tracked me down at the playground with Ella. Abbey knew how great of a deal it was to me that she was having the baby in the first place and she wanted to make it as good of an experience for me as she could. She was all about pleasing me.
But me, I couldn’t figure out what was going on with me.
I should have never opened my mouth that afternoon. This was too much. Watching her walk around with that thing in her stomach sparked something in me I had never felt. It was the strangest sort of anger, fear and sadness all rolled into one. I had seen it the first time. I had seen her come so close to the edge and I knew I couldn’t make my life work if she were to fall off it.
It was as if I was preparing myself for her death. Somewhere inside I felt that if I detached now, it wouldn’t be so hard—which was incredibly foolish of me. I was intentionally letting it all slip through my fingers, but when I realized that it was already too far gone.
…
“Will you be back for my birfday?” Ella looked me square in the eyes as I tucked her in. I could see her lower lip begin to tremble.
“Yes.” I pushed back her hair and kissed her forehead. “I promise you, alright?”
“Pinkie?” She held up her tiny finger.
“Pinkie.”