Pirate Smile

“Hey you.” I rapped gently on the window and gestured for Jared to come back inside.
He quickly flicked the cigarette and ran one hand through his newly trimmed hair.
“Listen, Holly, I am so fucking sorry—”
“It’s alright.”
He deflated like a balloon, staring at me, as he fell back onto the couch.
“That’s it? She locked herself in her bedroom—”
“Well she wasn’t exactly shooting up heroine in there.” I knew my remark was crass, but I ignored Jared’s look of bewilderment. “She was asleep.”
“I sat outside the door all fucking afternoon listening to her play house with her stuffed animals—she said no to macaroni and cheese!” His expressive hands flopped to his sides in defeat. “She wouldn’t even speak to me.”
“It was your first day with her, you just freaked her out a little.” I wondered if I was being too passive about it, but then my kid had never been in any harm—she was just overwhelmed.
“But I was yelling at her.” Jared hunched over his knees on his elbows. “I was just yelling…” When he popped his knuckles I winced—that had always irked me.
“I would have done the same thing. She knows better than to cross the street without holding someone’s hand.”
“And the ice cream?”
I softly tugged on the hem of Jared’s once white t-shirt. There were pink splotches all over it—he hadn’t even bothered to clean himself up.
“Well you’re supposed to eat it, silly,” I teased. “Not wear it.”
He arched his eyebrows. I was frustrating him. He wanted me to lay everything out for him, walk him through step by step. But how could I do that when I didn’t even have it down myself? It wasn’t like I woke up every morning thinking how easy raising a little girl was going to be.

“Hey.”
When I felt his fingers thread through mine, my body went rigid. I wanted him to stay for Delilah because he wanted to be a part of her life—not because he thought he and I could carry on like we once did. And I certainly didn’t want to him stay for either of us because he felt he had to—if he stayed it needed to be because he wanted to.
“Can I marry you yet?”
I turned away, taking my hand with me. It would be even worse if he made this decision in the heat of the moment—what would happen when the novelty wore off?
“Say what now?” After clearing my throat and smiling playfully I faced him again.
“Give me a reason not to.” His eyes—Delilah’s eyes—pleaded with me.
“Jared.” I tried to play it off. After all, he had been proposing to me since middle school.
“Holly,” He mimicked me, pursing his lips and sticking out his chin. “Don’t act like you didn’t see that coming.”
“I don’t think this is the right time for this.” The pit of my stomach had started to churn.
“How is it not?” He looked at me incredulously.
“You’re just doing this because you think it’s the right thing.” I grimaced uncontrollably—I didn’t really want to believe that but I had to keep my guard up.
“You know, I would expect that from everyone else but not you.” Jared shook his head. “Whatever you’re doing here, you can do in Tennessee.” He was on a roll now. “This is the chance we’ve been waiting for. I’ve got a house—shit, we could even get a different one—and Delilah can meet my family, and I’ve got this dog I bet she’d love—well it was Alisa’s dog but she left him.”
That had been exactly what we had wanted. We wanted to grow old together. Biting back the tears that had begun to form, I planted a soft kiss on his cheek.
“What are you going to do when the world finds out you’re just a big romantic sap, huh? You’re going to lose all that street cred.”
“Fuck,” Jared stepped out of my embrace and stormed toward the door. “You know, I just—maybe I’m just trying to do the right thing but I want to be with you.”
My heart thumped and I could feel my blood pulsating through my veins. He would push me until I lost my balance.
“I’m sorry.”
His face fell. Was it so wrong of me to want to be cautious about all of this?