Pirate Smile

Holly
Jared just kept staring me like I was going to whip out my jazz hands and say “April Fools”. He didn’t move, or breathe. Delilah knocked around my knees, her eyes never wavering from her father’s.

Her father.

Seeing them looking at one another was too surreal, and even that was an understatement. Jared looked like he was going to be sick and Curious George just batter her lashes sweetly, like she always did when she was face to face with a stranger.

“What’s going on?” He cleared his throat as he scratched the back of his neck. It was his nervous habit.
“Jared, this really isn’t how—” I twirled a bit of Delilah’s hair as I grappled with my words. I’d thought about this day, planning my speech and his reaction, thinking I would be prepared.
“I’m sorry,” he laughed nervously. “I have to go.”

Nothing in the world could have gotten me ready for that.

He wrung his hands before shaking his head frantically.
“…Bad idea,” he murmured to himself as he turned away.
“Jared!” I called after him, ushering Delilah back through the door.
I watched him turn sharply, our noses suddenly inches apart. I hadn’t forgotten how blue his eyes were.
“I don’t believe this.”
“Will you just listen for second?” I took a deep breath, running my hands over my jeans in order to stop them from shaking.
“I can’t even think right now, Holly.” His voice jumped a few octaves. “I don’t see you for a few years and next thing I know, you have a k—a kid.”
“I know you’re surprised—”
“Really?” He raised his eyebrows, sputtering. “That’s the best you can give me?”
“Jared, this isn’t easy for me…to tell you.”
He exhaled deeply, clearing his throat again. “I, uh, is she…she’s mine, isn’t she?”
My throat became as dry as the Sahara. I couldn’t look him in the eye, but he was staring down at his hands so it didn’t really matter. I never thought he’d come to that conclusion so quickly, but I guess I had been underestimating him—Delilah was a dead ringer for his gene pool.
“She has to be—I mean, that face.”
“Yes.” If I hadn’t been the one who’d spoken, I wouldn’t have heard my answer.
“Jesus Christ, Holly!” Jared threw his hands into the air, bringing them to the back of his neck and then through his hair. He puffed his cheeks and blew out, moving around like a junkie during withdrawal. I wanted to do something, say something to ease the blow but I couldn’t.
“Holy shit, were you ever going to tell me that…that I…” I watched as he shook his head hysterically. “No, no, no. This is not really happening. I blacked out last night and now I’m fucking dreaming.”
“Jared, if you’ll let me—” I reached out to try and steady him.
“I’m getting the fuck out of here.” He shrugged out of my grasp and walked away shaking his head. I watched after he disappeared down the stairs, walking fast enough to fall, until I heard the door slam.
I cringed.

The skeletons had escaped from my closet.

Jared
By the time I wandered back from Holly’s, the guys were out. I wasn’t surprised—it was eleven-thirty, of course they weren’t going to be in the hotel. I wasn’t exactly disappointed they’d excluded me from their plans. At that point everything I was feeling was written all over my face. My body felt numb, my head reeling out of control. I’d gone through an entire pack of cigarettes in the twelve blocks it’d taken me to get back. I couldn’t get my hands to stop shaking.

I had a fucking kid. I’d actually produced offspring.

My insides began to twist like someone had taken a monkey wrench to my intestines. The second I walked into the hotel room, I keeled over.

We had been through most of our teenage and adult lives together---more than together—and for her to keep something this big pissed me off. It wasn’t like she’d gotten her nose pierced and it had nothing to do with me---this had absolutely everything to do with me, it was my DNA.
Our show was the next night. How was I supposed to go out there and keep cool, knowing what I knew?
After drinking myself into a stupor, I passed out on top of an unmade bed. If I had enough liquor in me, maybe I could forget it for the time being.
But then we’d roll out of town after that, and what—I’d just go back home, still pretending? I had questions, so many goddamn questions, and I wanted answers.

Now I had a choice. I was enough of an adult to choose thoughtfully.