Pirate Smile

“So…” Jared stared at me from across the counter. We were being awkward. “How have you been?”
I could have been sarcastic with my response, but I realized it wasn’t the time and he wasn’t the person who would appreciate it.
“I’ve been alright.” By avoiding his eyes, I thought I could make my statement more believable.
He folded his hands in his lap and stared at me. Sometimes it felt like he could see right through
“Huh,” He smiled wryly and rubbed the stubble along his cheeks. “You’ve gotten worse at lying since the last time I saw you, Hol. But then again, that was quite a show you put on.”

I dropped my head into my arms, blinking away tears. Would he ever be able to understand why I did what I had done? When I looked up, Delilah was watching me from where she was sipping her warm milk through a straw—she always drank a glass before bed. I smiled at her, knowing full well she wasn’t planning on speaking until Jared was gone. The night before, she plagued me with every question in the book, yet she averted her gaze if Jared so much as even glanced in her direction.

In her soft, bubbly voice she told me that he had a lot of hair.

“How have you really been?” His smiled softened. This was one of the rare moments Michael Jared Followill was ever serious.
“I don’t really know what answer you’re looking for,” I sighed. “Do you want the one I tell my mother? The one I give to the people I work with? My friends?”
“Which one is true?”
“They all are, bits of them anyway.” I frowned and bit my pinkie nail.
Jared shook his head and shrugged.
“Fine.” He took a swig of Coke. “Have you been seeing anybody?”
I smiled. “Why, you interested?”
“Always.”
Should I have expected a different answer?
“There was one guy, Ethan, but that didn’t last long.” Fiddling my thumbs, I looked over at Delilah again. Ethan had been great, until I had to reschedule and cancel dates because of Delilah-related dilemmas. “He didn’t like to share.”
“Huh?”
“He wasn’t as ready for Delilah as he thought he’d be.” I noticed Jared’s jaw tighten. “But I’m good, we’re good. What about you—you proposed.”
“Oh yeah,” Jared sighed. “That.”
“Sounds like love.”
“No,” His eyes locked onto mine and he exhaled. “Not even close.”
We both knew what the other was thinking—whether it was about the times we spent entire nights awake on that tour bus talking in hushed whispers, or the first time we saw one another naked, we were both thinking about our past and whether or not there was a future.
I cleared my throat, realizing that Delilah had gotten up from the table and was standing beside me. Her eyelids drooped.
“Momma.” Her voice was faint. “I’m tired.”
“Yeah?” I pulled her onto my lap and kissed her head. “Are you ready to go to sleep?”
She nodded, blinking slowly as she watched Jared. He was wiping condensation off of the soda can.
“Can you say goodnight to Jared?” I whispered in her ear as she snuggled into my chest. “Please?”
When she didn’t answer, I figured she just wasn’t ready. I hated pushing her around people she wasn’t comfortable with—I knew she’d gotten that from me.
“I’m going to get her in bed,” I stood up. “It’ll only take a few minutes.”
“Oh yeah,” Jared nodded. “Sure.”
Delilah and I started to walk down the hallway when she stopped suddenly. I watched her carefully turn around to face Jared.
“Goodnight,” she said softly. I squeezed her hand.
Jared looked startled, but I saw a little smile on the corner of his lips.
“Goodnight.”

“Is Jared coming back tomorrow?”
I pulled the blankets up over her body as she wiggled around in search for her stuffed animals. She usually slept with three, alternating two of them every night. Her favorite was a lemon-yellow hippopotamus named Rita.
“He might be,” I grabbed Mister, the brown bear, off the floor and tossed him to her. “Do you want him to?”
“Yes.” Her head bobbed up and down.
“Oh really?” I smiled. It was nice to know she liked her own father. “Will you talk to him next time?”
I could see the gears in her head turning. She was definitely contemplating that one.
“Maybe?” When I asked, she seemed to think it was an acceptable decision. “OK, I will take a ‘maybe’. Now you better get some sleep. I love you.”
“Love you.”

Jared was standing by the door when I left Delilah’s room.
“I, uh, I’m going to head back.” His hands were shoved in his pockets.
“Alright,” A part of me was slightly disappointed but the more rational part of me was glad—my guard was slipping too quickly. “Thanks for coming over—”
“Can I come back…tomorrow?” He blinked and cowered, like I was going to flip out at the suggestion.
“Yeah—yes. She’d like that.”
Jared picked at the hem of his shirt.
“I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Jared, she’s not expecting anything. You don’t have to say much, if you aren’t ready yet.”
“Yes I do.”
“No, you don’t.”
He sighed, defeated.
“Do you have to work tomorrow?’
“I’ll call in.”
“It’s a deal then.” Jared leaned in to kiss my cheek, but I bobbed. My heart wasn’t ready. “Right, well I’ll see you later.”

…

We went to the aquarium. After several hours of sitting around the apartment, I could tell Jared was getting restless.
“This is,” he sighed, frustrated, as he combed through his hair with his long fingers. “This is way too much pressure right here.”
The two of us were standing over a plate of grilled cheese sandwiches in the kitchen. Lunch.
“Is it me?” I popped my knuckles. I did have a tendency to push.
“No.” He stiffly tore of the corner of a sandwich. Jared had been quiet all morning. “It’s too quiet, just us three—she’s not saying anything. I feel like I’m suffocating, can’t we go somewhere?
This was a surprise to me. The last thing I figured he would want to do was to walk around in public with his estranged, bastard child. But then again, these last couple of days had all been chock-full of surprises. Jared did like to keep things fresh.
“Sure.” I tried to hide my astonishment by taking an enormous bite of my sandwich. “She loves to go out—anywhere.”

How we moved from my quiet, tiny apartment to the quiet, monstrous aquarium I wasn’t sure. Delilah made the decision. She held my hand on the walk over, but strayed beside Jared every now and then.
As we stood in front of the regional fish exhibit, Delilah casually chewed on the ends of her hair as she looked back and forth between the fish and Jared.
She was dying to talk to him.
“Hey, Del. Why don’t you tell Jared what your favorite thing to see here is?”
Jared hadn’t said much since we left home, but he smiled at her encouragingly. He had always been good with kids, it was just getting used to having one of his own that was going to take some adjustment.
“I like the dolphins.”
“Oh yeah?” When she sensed his interest, she smiled back shyly.
“They make funny noises,” she added.
“Do they? I’ve never heard them before.” He eyed me. “Can you show me what they sound like?”
Delilah just shook her head slyly and giggled.
“No?”
“I’d like to hear too, Del.” I chimed in, even though I’d heard her imitations several thousand times at home.
She just shook head again.
“Fine then,” Jared pursed his lips. “I didn’t want to hear it anyway.”
Delilah bit her lip and looked around the exhibit. She sucked in her breath.
“They squeak…like this.”
She made a screeching, squeaking noise quickly before looking to see if anyone else had noticed. She rocked back on her heels, smiling sheepishly.
Jared and I burst out laughing and Delilah beamed proudly like she’d just performed Beethoven’s Symphony No. 9.
“That’s pretty good, kid.”