Far From Over: A Billie Joe Story

Tears roll down my face as I watch the black casket with gold trimming get lowered down into the hole. The casket that held my daughter. My beautiful sixteen year old daughter.

It's all my fault she's dead.

Ellie killed herself because of what I did to her. I raped her, beat her, made her feel like shit. I took her life from her, even if I wasn't the one that pulled the trigger.

I look up and see Tysen, Ellie's old boyfriend. He's staring at the coffin, no tears or sadness showing. He looks shocked, angry... more angry than anything else. He'll never forgive me, he'll never forget what I've done.

I tear my gaze away from him and look at Robbie. He was Ellie's foster father when we split for two years, they were really close. He's looking in the direction of the coffin, but his eyes are blank. He lost his wife (Ellie's foster mother) sometime around five months ago, so losing Ellie must be killing him. She meant the world to him.

Another reason this is my fault.

Two guys started shoveling dirt into the hole as people walk back to their cars. I look at the gravestones next to El's and take in a shaky deep breath. Adrienne's grave was right next to hers, then Joey's and Jakob's.

I killed them, too.

"Feeling bad yet," Tysen asks, standing next to me.

"Always do," I reply in a quiet murmur. I look at him. "Forgiving me yet?"

"Hell no."

"Didn't think so." I look back at the two shovelers.

"How does it feel to watch your daughter get buried in a coffin less than a week after her death?" I turn my head to glare at him, but the look on his face... I can't describe it. It would've killed Ellie to see. He realizes I don't plan on answering. "You have no idea how I felt that morning when I woke up to a gunshot."

"I'm sure I could guess-"

"No, you can't." Tears form in his eyes as he glances at the tombstone. "I heard that... I knew what she did. I was praying to God that she killed you and not herself." He looks back at me. "No such luck." He starts walking back to his car, but my voice stops him.

"I wish she killed me instead, too." He looks over his shoulder in my direction.

"Not as much as I do, though." He walks again and I just look at the ground where the rectangle of dirt makes it evident that someone was just buried.

That someone being my daughter.

I walk to my black BMW and drive home. I don't want anyone coming over to say they're sorry for my loss and all that bullshit. The only people I'll allow to come over are Mike, Tre, Robbie, Tysen, Stephy, and Caiti. Tre was at most of the funeral, but he had to leave right before the actual burial. It was too much for him. Mike left with him for the same reason.

Things haven't been the same between the three of us since Ellie left to live with her foster parents two and a half years ago. They never forgave me for how much I screwed up El's life. I couldn't even count how many times one of them flipped shit on me any time Ellie was mentioned. It was usually Tre, but sometimes it was Mike.

I pull into my driveway and see Tre's SUV. Figures they would come here. I get out of my car and go into the house, hearing only silence. I walk downstairs to the studio and see Mike and Tre sitting in two of the chairs. I sit in the last empty one, avoiding both their glares.

"I hated that," Tre mutters.

"You weren't there for the burial," I reply with way more acid in my tone than I wanted.

"Because I wouldn't be able to take it." We all look away for a good five minutes before anyone says anything else.

"I remember when she was only a baby," Mike says quietly, looking at me. "We would always try to hold her but you wouldn't let us." He laughs that depressed, about-to-cry laugh. "You never called her by her name, you would call her your angel instead. If you were talking to her, then you would call her just Angel."

"You weren't always sick, Bill," Tre says emotionlessly. "What made you change into Ellie's worst nightmare?"