Far From Over: A Billie Joe Story

I sit in the middle of the bed and cross my legs, making sure my dress was covering them. Robbie sits on the edge, but he's facing me. He stares at me as I figure out what to say. I open my mouth several times, but then close it. After a few minutes I just blurt out whatever comes to mind.

"I'm sorry," I say, sounding a bit desperate and hearing my voice shake a little. "I know it was the stupidest thing I could've done, and I should've told you that it was on my mind. I-"

"Stop," he says quietly. I do as he says and wait for him to speak. He glances at me, then down, then me again. He does that a few times before pulling out a folded up piece of paper out of his pocket. He unfolds it and I see my handwriting covering it. The goodbye letter.

"Why do you have that," I whisper. He shakily exhales.

"I carry it with me everywhere." He looks up to meet my guilty gaze. "It makes me feel like you're with me." I look down.

"Why did I do it," I say like I was crying, but I'm not. I can't. He reaches over and tilts my head back up with his index finger under my chin.

"It's not your fault, okay," he murmurs, looking straight into my eyes. "We all understand why you did it. Don't say you're sorry." I push his hand away.

"But it hurt you the most," I whisper. He bites his lip, hesitating.

"Yeah. It did." I look down and I feel him move closer until he's sitting right in front of me. "Look at me, Ellie." I reluctantly meet his gaze and exhale. "I love you. And I miss you so much. But you thought this was the best choice. I know it wasn't, and I really wish you didn't do it, but I knew it was coming. I don't know why you chose that night, or what provoked you, but I'd give anything to go back to that night and be there to stop you." I stare at him, remembering the night I did it.

"No one... ever... told you," I ask almost inaudibly. He shakes his head. "I thought Tysen would have told you..."

"Tell me what, El?" I run my hand through my hair, feeling heartbreak and panic. He has the right to know.

"It was Billie," I say in a rush. "That night, when Tysen wasn't there and it was just us, he came to my room, and he said he waited two years, and..." My heart pounds so hard I can barely breathe and I hang my head in my hands, trying to calm myself down. In that same moment, Robbie pulls me against his chest and rubs my back comfortingly. After ten minutes, I'm able to breathe normally so I pull away from him. "I couldn't go through it again," I murmur. "I couldn't live another memory of him doing that to me." He waits a couple seconds before slowly standing up and walking to the door.

"Ellie, stay here," he says huskily. I feel every muscle in my body tense up.

"W-why," I ask nervously. He looks back at me from over his shoulder. His eyes remind me of Billie's. It's like they have hints of control, lust, anger, and so many other emotions. They scare the shit out of me.

"I am going to kill him." He leaves the room faster than I thought possible and I hear him already descending the stairs. Common sense takes over and I run down the stairs after him. By the time I get there, Robbie already has his hands tight around Billie Joe's throat. Tysen is nowhere in sight.

I sprint soundlessly over to them and, grabbing the back of Robbie's shirt, push him away and against the wall. Billie coughs to breathe again but they both stare incredulously at me.

"Are you fucking crazy," I scream at Rob. "Why the fuck do you think I came back here?! I want to move on, Rob, I don't need to see him get killed by you!" No one says anything as I hold Robbie's gaze. Five minutes later, he finally says something.

"I'm sorry, El-"

"Don't give me that. You're not sorry." I look at Billie. "Are you okay?" He nods hurriedly, glancing wearily at Robbie, who I return my eyes on. "Don't fucking tell me you're sorry until you mean it." I walk back up to my room and slam my door shut. I lie down on my bed and try my hardest to relax. Two hours go by before someone knocks on my door.

"El," Robbie says quietly, opening the door a little. "Can we talk?"