Far From Over: A Billie Joe Story

"Pain for what," Susan asks. She knows why, she's not stupid. She's just trying to get me thinking.

"I miss her so much," I whisper. I see her glance at the tissue box. "It's not right that I'm the one alive and she's six feet under." She writes stuff down for a few moments so I look at the bookcase she has at the side of the room. A lot of them are about psychoanalysis; Psychoanalysis And You, Analysis Of The Mind, Psychoanalysis For Dummies...

There were a few book with titles I couldn't look at for too long. Child Abuse And The Effects, Rape And Molestation, Incest At A Young Age, Trauma Of The Mind, Mental Illness In Teens.

I should write one of those types of books. It'd be called How To Deal With Your Child's Suicide by Billie Joe Armstrong. Or maybe How To Deal With Your Urges To Rape Your Teen Daughter When She's Too Scared To Be Anywhere Near You.

Maybe that second one is too long... and I wouldn't be able to help anyone because I never actually dealt with it the right way. I would always give in and hurt her...

I hate myself. I really do. I killed my daughter and now I have to live like this. Constantly feeling regret and pain and guilt and pain and guilt and regret and pain...

"Billie," Susan asks patiently. Oh yeah. I forgot I was at Susan's.

"What," I ask, rubbing my eyes. I never put eyeliner on because of the funeral, so I didn't worry about smudging anything.

"Are you okay?" I give her a look.

"I had to watch my daughter get buried this morning, I'm not o-fucking-kay."

"I know, Billie, but you were staring at the books with a blank expression." I look down at my hands.

"So? I mean, I can look at the books if I want..." I glance up to see her giving me the "oh, please" look. I sigh. "I was thinking about if I wrote a book like those."

"What would it be about?"

"I'm not sure..."

"What would the title be?"

"I came up with two."

"Can you tell me what they are?" I nod once.

"How To Deal With Your Child's Suicide or How To Deal With Your Urges To Rape Your Teen Daughter When She's Too Scared To Be Anywhere Near You." She bites her lip a little. Ellie used to do that...

"I don't know if that second title would work out so well, Billie."

"I know..."

"Why don't you just stick with trying to publish Ellie's C&G notebook? That is, if you're being serious about it." I look down at my hands.

"I am. I want to help the other Ellie's out there." She smiles and closes the manila folder.

"That's good, Billie. We'll talk more tomorrow."