I'm Far Too Tired To Fall Asleep

Sleep is an enemy to me. We don’t get along. When we’re together, we hold each other at arms length. Otherwise, we avoid each other.

I spend days on end sitting exhausted in the back of the van. My fingers get clumsy on the strings of me bass. The edges of my world become fuzzy and voices take on an echo-ey quality. When I walk, my feet drag and I trip. Patrick always catches me before I fall.

“C’mon Pete,” he’ll say, and bring me to the far back seats of the van. “You can’t live on caffeine forever.”

Then I mumble something incoherent and shut my eyes with my head on his lap. I wait. I pray for sleep. But it never comes. My body is so tired. My mind buzzes. I feel like I’m falling and I sit bolt upright.

“Stop the car,” I slur, and when we’re pulled over I slide the door open and jump out, tripping over my own tired feet. I close the door and bang my fist against the warm metal. I kick the tire as hot tears stream down my face and I scream. It’s been four days. Four days of sleeplessness, and it shows on my face and in the way I move.

I hit the side of the van again, and again. I slide to the ground, banging my head against it. A midsummer’s breeze cools the moisture on my face. I bite the flesh beneath my thumb to muffle the noise and I scream again.

The door to the van opens next to me, and Patrick climbs out. He sits next to me and the gravel crunches beneath him. The other guys know enough by now that they’ll give us time. Give me time.

I grab his hand and squeeze hard, biting my lip to keep from screaming again. I taste metal and the world is blurry. I’m shaking. He waits.

“Put your hand between my aching head and an aching world,” I sing under my breath.

“We’ll make them so jealous; we’ll make them hate us,” He responds, and I shuffle my feet. He leans over and presses his lips to my temple, and I can feel the dry skin. I squeeze his hand and get up, helping him follow suit.

He opens the van door. Joe, Andy, and Chris are silent, and they avoid my face. I crawl back to the far seat. Patrick sits next to me. My head falls onto his shoulder. He breathes into my hair. My brain relaxes.

I slip away.