Heartbreak Is Forever

Gerard's POV

I can’t close my eyes
I can’t shut my eyes to you
I can’t close my eyes
I won’t shed a tear for you
Not this time

I entered yet another hotel and dropped my bag on the floor. I crossed the room and pulled down the curtains quickly. Finally darkness. The sun had been shining all day, something that annoyed me to no end. Not even the weather was being kind to me – it had been one of the hottest, most damp days in months. I wanted pouring rain and thunderstorms. It would fit my mood much better. Even the setting sun outside the window was annoying.

I sat down on the bed, elbows resting on my knees and face hidden in my hands. Fuck, I felt miserable. How did it all go so wrong?

I had known him for ages, ever since the very beginning of this band. I had always seen him as one of my best friends, as a brother. That’s the way it should always have been; but it wasn’t.

Something changed during the long journey to where we are today. We’re the same as before, just a little older and, as I used to think, a little wiser. But I guess I was wrong – how fucking wise is it to fall in love with your fellow band mate? Especially when the person has had a girlfriend for years.

Frank knew I was in love with him. I told him one late night in the tour bus when everyone else was asleep. It wasn’t an easy decision, but something I had to do. It was eating me up from the inside. The secret was too big to bear all by myself. At first, I was thinking about telling Mikey. He was closer to me than anyone else in the whole world. I guess that’s what made me decide not to tell him. I figured I would only make it more difficult for him. I didn’t want him to have to know such a big secret; it would only weigh him down. He already had enough problems.

My other option was to tell Frank straight to his face. I figured that if I told him, I could finally be able to let go. Of course, I had hoped that he would feel the same, though it didn’t come as a surprise when he didn’t. I had known it all along, still it was heartbreaking to hear him say the words.

Frank had had his suspicions. I guess that’s why he reacted the way he did. He listened to me, not scared away by what I told him. It was a relief to finally get it off my chest, and an even bigger relief that he didn’t hate me or reject me. As a matter of fact, he was very kind, almost understanding; if it’s possible to be understanding when your best friend has confessed that he is in love with you.

Unfortunately, my confession didn’t make things any easier. I loved him even more. He was the most amazing person I had ever met. We had agreed that we would go on as before. I had promised him to try to get over him. Ha! As if it is possible to decide who you want to fall in love with. I tried my best not to think of him as anything but a band mate, but it was not easy. At least Frank didn’t seem to have changed his opinion about me. He still considered me one of his best friends, but I was sure it was harder for him than he wanted to admit. He knew he was causing me pain, and felt bad for not being able to help me.

--

A loud knock on the door made me jump. I already knew it was Frank. He had told me this morning that he wanted to talk to me. This was the first time today we had some time off from our busy schedule.

I opened the door and let him enter. The room felt ten times smaller than before and suddenly breathing was a lot harder.

Frank looked distressed. It was a bad omen. Whatever it was he wanted to tell, it wouldn’t make my mood any better.

“What’s up, Frankie?”

Better get over with it.

He smiled weakly at me. “You know I wanted to talk to you…” He made a short pause. “I want to tell you something. I want you to hear it from me and not from anyone else.”

He patted on the bed next to him. I sat down at the head of the bed, pillows behind my back. I waited for him to continue. I had a bad feeling about this.

“Gee, I know this might be difficult for you, considering… err… the way you… err… feel about me.”

I gripped a pillow and but it on my lap, fiddling with it nervously. I felt embarrassed. I was an idiot. I’m lucky he hasn’t told me to fuck off, I thought.

“Speak up, Frank.”

He took a deep breath. “I’m going to marry Jamia this following March.”

I knew this would come one day. They had been dating forever; of course they would get married. I knew how much he loved her and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. I knew I would never be with Frank. Still I couldn’t help my reaction. All the colour left my face. His words stabbed me like knives. A marriage was so definite. I felt my last spark of hope flicker and die out, only leaving an empty hole filled with black smoke, ready to suffocate me.

“Gerard, are you okay?” Frank’s question broke through the numbness I felt. I must have looked more shocked than I thought. His eyes were full of concern.

“Con… Congratulations,” I finally stammered. I tried to smile but it looked more like a grimace.

“Oh, Gee. I’m so sorry…” He put his hand on my back but I shoved it away. I couldn’t stand his touch. I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me. I wanted to hide in a dark room, drowning in my own self-pity. He really cared about me. He wanted me to be okay. In this moment, I hated him. I hated Jamia even more. I felt terrible about it, but I couldn’t help it. Jealousy was a bad invention.

“You have no idea how it feels,” I snapped, giving him a killing look. I immediately regretted my words. The hurt look on his face filled me with guilt. It wasn’t his fault I was in this mess. I had no reason for being mad. I couldn’t stop him from living his life.

“Sorry,” I muttered.

“Listen Gee,” he said patiently. “I might not know exactly how you feel, but I do know what it feels like to love someone who doesn’t love you in return. I’ve been there too. It’s hard, but you get over it. Sooner or later you do, trust me. I know you will too.”

I couldn’t meet his eyes. His words cut me like razors, but I knew they were true.

“You are my best friend,” he continued. “I love you as the brother I never had. And I want you to be happy. I want it more than anything. You can’t be happy this way, so you have to find another. Keep searching, keep fighting, and you will find someone. No doubt about it.”

His voice sounded strained. This was hard for him too. He was breaking me down and he knew it, but he was being honest. He had to be.

A silent tear ran down my cheek and landed on the pillow in my lap. I didn’t want to cry. I had promised myself that I wouldn’t shed a tear for him. Promises are easily broken.

“I wanted you to hear about the marriage before anyone else, because I care about you. I won’t tell the others yet. I want you to have some time to… I don’t know… Get used to it.” He stopped. He had run out of words. He had said what he came to say. I could feel his eyes on me. He was waiting for me to say something – anything. Silent tears kept striping my face. I ran my fingers through my messy hair, trying to decide what to say.

“I would lie if I said it didn’t upset me. But… I know it would come to this one day. I don’t want to ruin our friendship. That’s the most important thing.” My words were hurting me, but I was speaking from the heart. “I know you will be happy with Jamia. You were meant to be. We… This… I’ll be fine. I’ll try even harder. I want our friendship to last, and I know that I have to move on to save the band. To save myself.”

It was the truth, and we both knew it. Loving Frank was killing me, and him as well. He never told me, but I knew he was feeling guilty. I could tell from the painful looks he gave me when he thought I wasn’t looking. He shouldn’t feel guilty. I was the one at fault. I had only myself to blame.

I looked up and met his eyes for the first time in a long time. His eyes, usually vivid and sparkling, were sad and full of tears.

“Gee…”

He put his arms around me, and this time I let him pull me closer. I leant my head against his shoulder. My tears wet his T-shirt but he didn’t seem to care.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I never wanted it to be this way”.

“Shhh…” He caressed my hair and mumbled in my ear. “You’ll be fine. You’ll be fine…”

I wanted it to be fine. I wanted it so bad. I wished it could all go back to normal, before all this happened.

He didn’t let go of me until my tears ceased to fall. I sat up straight and wiped my swollen eyes. Frank said nothing. He kept looking at me inscrutably.

Then he suddenly leant forward and brushed his lips against mine. For a second, one long amazing second, I had him. I could feel his taste as I gently answered the kiss. Our lips only touched for a few moments. His lips left mine, leaving an empty feeling inside of me, knowing this was the closest we would ever get.

Maybe the kiss was a sign of the guilt he felt. He couldn’t give me what I wanted, and this was his way to try and make up for it. Most of all, I think it was meant as a goodbye. It was time to start a new chapter. Frank would marry Jamia. I would, hopefully, find someone else who loved me in return.

I knew I had a long way to go. Getting over someone isn’t something that happens in day. But I knew I had to let go, for both of our sakes.

I smiled at Frank. Trying to forget him wouldn’t be easy. It would be a long struggle, but I knew I could make it. In the end, maybe this experience would make our friendship stronger. I could only hope.