This Suffering
There's Nothing To Lose
Early February, Emily sat in a black dress, pea coat and heels. Her face was white, like she had seen a ghost, but the only ghost was the one of her husband of five years. Her eyes hadn’t cried, because his death hadn’t seemed to have sunk in yet.
“Emily, Nevada is dressed and the car is waiting outside.” Her mother, Nicole smiled, worry engraved in her forehead as she watched her thirty two year old daughter drag herself off the white bed and down the stairs. Emily noticed Nevada, sitting on a small chair she had dragged into the entrance from the living room. She was wearing a fluffy black dress that my mother brought down. It used to be Emily’s; when she was five she wore it to her father’s funeral. And now, at four years old, Nevada was wearing it to her father’s funeral. Emily’s stomach churned and she hastily picked up her daughter.
It was lightly snowing, but there was none on the ground. Spring was here and things were warming up. The black car stretched out, inviting the family into it. The drive was short, but to Emily, it seemed to go on for days. When they finally pulled up, Emily silently got out.
There were people everywhere. It seemed that Daniel had known everyone in the world. There wasn’t enough room in the small church for everyone to sit, so most people stood. The world was silent and Emily was alone, cold and unloved. Had everything she had been wishing for in the last year finally come true? And if it had, why wasn’t she feeling free? How come she felt there was now a part of her ripped and thrown into a blender?
When they put him in the ground, reality shook Emily, causing her more unimaginable pain than she could imagine. Worse than when the police marched up to her door, asking her to come identify his body; and worse than when she had seen it, with the holes covering it and the lifeless eyes. They were closed but she knew he was gone.
When Emily opened her eyes, she was at home, sitting on her bed, still in the black dress she was wearing when she was at the funeral. She didn’t know how much time had passed, or what time it was then, but suddenly, in a room of pitch black, someone opened the door, letting light find her eyes.
“Emily?”
“Emily, Nevada is dressed and the car is waiting outside.” Her mother, Nicole smiled, worry engraved in her forehead as she watched her thirty two year old daughter drag herself off the white bed and down the stairs. Emily noticed Nevada, sitting on a small chair she had dragged into the entrance from the living room. She was wearing a fluffy black dress that my mother brought down. It used to be Emily’s; when she was five she wore it to her father’s funeral. And now, at four years old, Nevada was wearing it to her father’s funeral. Emily’s stomach churned and she hastily picked up her daughter.
It was lightly snowing, but there was none on the ground. Spring was here and things were warming up. The black car stretched out, inviting the family into it. The drive was short, but to Emily, it seemed to go on for days. When they finally pulled up, Emily silently got out.
There were people everywhere. It seemed that Daniel had known everyone in the world. There wasn’t enough room in the small church for everyone to sit, so most people stood. The world was silent and Emily was alone, cold and unloved. Had everything she had been wishing for in the last year finally come true? And if it had, why wasn’t she feeling free? How come she felt there was now a part of her ripped and thrown into a blender?
When they put him in the ground, reality shook Emily, causing her more unimaginable pain than she could imagine. Worse than when the police marched up to her door, asking her to come identify his body; and worse than when she had seen it, with the holes covering it and the lifeless eyes. They were closed but she knew he was gone.
When Emily opened her eyes, she was at home, sitting on her bed, still in the black dress she was wearing when she was at the funeral. She didn’t know how much time had passed, or what time it was then, but suddenly, in a room of pitch black, someone opened the door, letting light find her eyes.
“Emily?”
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