One Love
Day Three-Four;
April 4, 2010
Day Three;
When we got to the hospital I had to walk inside, I was dizzy, though, and I could feel my body shaking. My mom gripped my elbow, hard, and led me into the E.R. I sat in that uncomfortable chair for less that ten minutes and they took me back, questioned me about how many I took, "About 70," I told them. My body was tired and vibrating. They hooked me to a heart machine, they took my blood and told me I could go to sleep, but I couldn't. The pain was under the surface, it made me want to move and then when I didn't it would make me move. I had to gasp for air as my body shook violently and heart monitor would go crazy and then I would collapse. I had hallucinations and even remembering that night I can't draw a line for you between fact and fiction.
It wasn't scary, I remember thinking, "If I die... well that's not so scary, worse things could happen." And then in relation to those worse things a follow-up thought, "I could live."
That's when I knew things were serious, because I hadn't wanted to die when I took the pills, I know that sounds crazy but I had just wanted things to change.
I wanted someone to pay attention.
April 5, 2010
Day Four;
There's not much else to tell about this except it was the moment I decided I wanted to be high, it was the night I realized surviving in a dream-like universe that drugs provided was better than living in the real world. It was kind of the moment I completely stopped caring.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is forever?
I don't believe in the never-ending time theory that everyone else like to buy into. I think that forever lives inside of us. Forever is how we remember, forever is who we are. We remember in forevers.
What is a memory?
A memory is forever.
There's quite a few people who will tell you to live in the moment but that's harder than it sounds. Some people are busy planning for the future and some people are too busy focusing on what went wrong in the past; the present slips away faster than anyone realizes. We can't stop it, and who would want to? Time can be a wonderful thing, confusing and hard to get a grip on as well. Like when people say, "Time flies when you're having fun!" And it's true. When you smoke dope you lose time. Days will go past and things will happen... and without sleeping your time lime will get confused. Details, remembering things, that's what I'm good at, that's what I'm best at, I'm one of those people who tries to live in my past, but I also get excited about non-existent future. I wouldn't have realized my time line was wrong, tainted, distorted--I only did because...
4. We Lost Some;
I watched Sally flick the bags, the red bags that sold for more. On Wednesday I didn't know anything about this world, it';s Friday and I was a quick study. Pat had gone to his mom's house to drop off Ajay and pick up his mother's Rendezvous, I only know and remember what kind of car it was because Sally and I made fun of the word, "Ron-day-vouse!" We giggled.
We were alone like before Pat back unexpectedly, like how it used to be. We were thankful for the solitude because Pat had ruined everything, he had created this awkward barrier that we may never get over, at least not me. That, however, is also another story.
We needed the SUV-type car for the trip we didn't even want to take anymore. We were upset so we wanted to smoke more, we wanted to feel better. The universe had different plans, though. We heard a car coming down the road, "Can you check that out for me?" Sally asked and I lifted up the blanket that substituted a curtain, "It's a black car..." I told her, "Oh shit!" She said and jumped up from the recliner, "Hide this." She shoved the baggies, the pipes and their case into my hands. The first and only time I came into contact with the stash.
It was Terry. Terry, who never showed up on time when he was supposed to was now here at the worst possible moment.
I shoved the case under the pillows, where we always temporarily hid the illegal substances when unexpected visitors decided to show up. Sally opened up the front door just enough to stick her head out, a gester that, at least to me, screamed 'we don't want you here--leave'
"Where's Pat?" Terry asked, "He went to his parent's house." Sally informed him. "Oh... well tell him I'll be down the road fixing my tired." Sally agreed and Terry left.
"Where'd you put it?" Sally asked when we got into the bedroom. I laughed, relieved and lifted the pillow, she laughed too and we climbed onto her mountain of a bed. It was really a mattress and a box spring that sat on top of several speakers. It was tall, I loved it. She started making sure we had it all when Pat came home, and we told him what happened and he helped us add everything up just to really make sure all of it was there. And it was.
But not for long.
This is where things get confusing. Where things don't make sense, and this is where everything became a dark conspiracy; this all becomes life-threatening and awful.
People came over and drama was started and then... there was some missing; a lot was missing. I wanted to be helpful, I wanted to remember and be useful but the more I thought about it the less it made sense and the m ore confusing the world became. And then a thought occurred to me,"They're going to think I took it. They think I stole from them." That's when it became frustrating.
Why the fuck can't I remember anything?
I wanted to cry. I did cry a little. I needed to figure out what happened and clean my name. Pearl and Terry came over, and it was decided a mandatory trip to Vegas, we had free rooms at The Hacienda, and Terry was going to help Pat out, Terry who we kept making fun of and talking shit about had stepped up to the plate. Even thought that was nice and cool and whatever, that didn't fix anything, everyone hated me. I knew too much.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You were the sarcastic touch
to this perfect ending;
Feel that rush?
Reality's bending.
The colors of my consciousness...
Slip
Drip
Fall away
Didn't know the rules;
how to play
Temptation pulls
Stronger
Longer
Harder than before
Exhausted from the fight;
Sore
Scared to death,
Will this be our last breath?
Let the trip take over
Who needs sober?
Paint my world fearless
For this last kiss.
Say goodbye
Make sure, this time,
It's not a lie.
Do you like my poem?
Can you feel my soul?
Or are those just words to you?
If they are then... I'm sorry.
If words, any words, are nothing more than words to you than that's sad. That's awfully. terribly sad and I don't know how you live.
Day Three;
When we got to the hospital I had to walk inside, I was dizzy, though, and I could feel my body shaking. My mom gripped my elbow, hard, and led me into the E.R. I sat in that uncomfortable chair for less that ten minutes and they took me back, questioned me about how many I took, "About 70," I told them. My body was tired and vibrating. They hooked me to a heart machine, they took my blood and told me I could go to sleep, but I couldn't. The pain was under the surface, it made me want to move and then when I didn't it would make me move. I had to gasp for air as my body shook violently and heart monitor would go crazy and then I would collapse. I had hallucinations and even remembering that night I can't draw a line for you between fact and fiction.
It wasn't scary, I remember thinking, "If I die... well that's not so scary, worse things could happen." And then in relation to those worse things a follow-up thought, "I could live."
That's when I knew things were serious, because I hadn't wanted to die when I took the pills, I know that sounds crazy but I had just wanted things to change.
I wanted someone to pay attention.
April 5, 2010
Day Four;
There's not much else to tell about this except it was the moment I decided I wanted to be high, it was the night I realized surviving in a dream-like universe that drugs provided was better than living in the real world. It was kind of the moment I completely stopped caring.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is forever?
I don't believe in the never-ending time theory that everyone else like to buy into. I think that forever lives inside of us. Forever is how we remember, forever is who we are. We remember in forevers.
What is a memory?
A memory is forever.
There's quite a few people who will tell you to live in the moment but that's harder than it sounds. Some people are busy planning for the future and some people are too busy focusing on what went wrong in the past; the present slips away faster than anyone realizes. We can't stop it, and who would want to? Time can be a wonderful thing, confusing and hard to get a grip on as well. Like when people say, "Time flies when you're having fun!" And it's true. When you smoke dope you lose time. Days will go past and things will happen... and without sleeping your time lime will get confused. Details, remembering things, that's what I'm good at, that's what I'm best at, I'm one of those people who tries to live in my past, but I also get excited about non-existent future. I wouldn't have realized my time line was wrong, tainted, distorted--I only did because...
4. We Lost Some;
I watched Sally flick the bags, the red bags that sold for more. On Wednesday I didn't know anything about this world, it';s Friday and I was a quick study. Pat had gone to his mom's house to drop off Ajay and pick up his mother's Rendezvous, I only know and remember what kind of car it was because Sally and I made fun of the word, "Ron-day-vouse!" We giggled.
We were alone like before Pat back unexpectedly, like how it used to be. We were thankful for the solitude because Pat had ruined everything, he had created this awkward barrier that we may never get over, at least not me. That, however, is also another story.
We needed the SUV-type car for the trip we didn't even want to take anymore. We were upset so we wanted to smoke more, we wanted to feel better. The universe had different plans, though. We heard a car coming down the road, "Can you check that out for me?" Sally asked and I lifted up the blanket that substituted a curtain, "It's a black car..." I told her, "Oh shit!" She said and jumped up from the recliner, "Hide this." She shoved the baggies, the pipes and their case into my hands. The first and only time I came into contact with the stash.
It was Terry. Terry, who never showed up on time when he was supposed to was now here at the worst possible moment.
I shoved the case under the pillows, where we always temporarily hid the illegal substances when unexpected visitors decided to show up. Sally opened up the front door just enough to stick her head out, a gester that, at least to me, screamed 'we don't want you here--leave'
"Where's Pat?" Terry asked, "He went to his parent's house." Sally informed him. "Oh... well tell him I'll be down the road fixing my tired." Sally agreed and Terry left.
"Where'd you put it?" Sally asked when we got into the bedroom. I laughed, relieved and lifted the pillow, she laughed too and we climbed onto her mountain of a bed. It was really a mattress and a box spring that sat on top of several speakers. It was tall, I loved it. She started making sure we had it all when Pat came home, and we told him what happened and he helped us add everything up just to really make sure all of it was there. And it was.
But not for long.
This is where things get confusing. Where things don't make sense, and this is where everything became a dark conspiracy; this all becomes life-threatening and awful.
People came over and drama was started and then... there was some missing; a lot was missing. I wanted to be helpful, I wanted to remember and be useful but the more I thought about it the less it made sense and the m ore confusing the world became. And then a thought occurred to me,"They're going to think I took it. They think I stole from them." That's when it became frustrating.
Why the fuck can't I remember anything?
I wanted to cry. I did cry a little. I needed to figure out what happened and clean my name. Pearl and Terry came over, and it was decided a mandatory trip to Vegas, we had free rooms at The Hacienda, and Terry was going to help Pat out, Terry who we kept making fun of and talking shit about had stepped up to the plate. Even thought that was nice and cool and whatever, that didn't fix anything, everyone hated me. I knew too much.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You were the sarcastic touch
to this perfect ending;
Feel that rush?
Reality's bending.
The colors of my consciousness...
Slip
Drip
Fall away
Didn't know the rules;
how to play
Temptation pulls
Stronger
Longer
Harder than before
Exhausted from the fight;
Sore
Scared to death,
Will this be our last breath?
Let the trip take over
Who needs sober?
Paint my world fearless
For this last kiss.
Say goodbye
Make sure, this time,
It's not a lie.
Do you like my poem?
Can you feel my soul?
Or are those just words to you?
If they are then... I'm sorry.
If words, any words, are nothing more than words to you than that's sad. That's awfully. terribly sad and I don't know how you live.