My Dinosaur Life

”You’ve thrown a few choice phrases out my way, and I ignored them all as best I could, except that tiny bit, how I just can’t commit, there is some truth in what you say.”

(Him)

I’m in love with her.

I think I have been for awhile now.

Don’t ask me how I know for sure, or why it’s taken me this long to realize it.

The other night, when she got mad at me for not wanting to go to her brother’s wedding with her next week, all I wanted to do was smile stupidly while she was yelling at me.

She’s still yelling at me, even as I zone out and watch her lips move.

I want to tell her.

Whenever I try, my tongue goes numb and I can’t feel my teeth.

Like when what few friends I had convinced me to chug Jaeger on my 21st birthday.

“For fuck’s sake, Justin!” she yells, and my tongue is heavy and anxious. “How the fuck are you this noncommittal?! You can’t even fucking wash the dishes for more than five minutes. You selfish-”

Fuck it.

I never win anyways.

“I love you,” I blurt out.

She stops.

Freezes.

Blinks.

“What?” she asks, her expression blank with forgotten anger.

“I love you,” I repeat. “Sorry,” I apologize.

She freezes and wordlessly puts her hands to her eyes, pressing her palms to her lids.

“What’s wrong?” I ask in alarm, noticing the tear marks running down her face. “Sorry!”

I’ve always been horrible with dealing with anybody that cries.

I don’t even know how to comfort my seven-year-old niece when she falls and scrapes her knees.

“I’m…sorry?” I say again, still speechlessly bewildered at her reaction.

My hands twitch awkwardly at my sides.

I feel like I should hug her or do something reassuring like that but my arms are stiff while my legs are wobbly and my mouth still feels numb.

“You stupid asshole,” she says in frustration, wiping her eyes. “I can’t be mad at you when you’re saying you love me.”

She hits my shoulder, but all I can do is smile stupidly, even though it hurts, a little.

“Sorry,” I grin, while she shakes her head.

“Stop saying that,” she mutters, covering her eyes again.

“But I am,” I insist.

“Shut up,” she rolls her watery eyes, abruptly grabbing my face to kiss my lips.

I shut up.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

She says that it’s too claustrophobic and she feels like she’s drowning inside, so I let her lead me out of the reception hall.

“I’m tired,” she announces, yawning and sitting right there on the grass.

“You’ll get your dress dirty,” I point out.

“So will you,” she laughs childishly, tugging at my hand so that I stumble and end up sitting on the grass next to her.

“You’re drunker than I thought, aren’t you?” I ask, raising my eyebrows in amusement.

“Very much so,” she replies, closing her eyes. She sways a little and doesn’t say anything for a few minutes.

“Annie?”

“Yes.” She leans back to lie down.

“Nothing,” I answer.

“Okay,” she replies.

“No, actually, something,” I revise. She opens her eyes, and sits up again, waiting. “I didn’t want to come because… you were right.”

“About what?”

“How I can’t commit.” I shrug. “It’s true.” She doesn’t say anything. “Weddings freak me out, Annie.”

“Sorry for making you come,” she says, slightly sobering up. I shrug again.

“I overreacted. I’m sorry.” She leans over to kiss my cheek. I give her a faint smile and she leans her head against me, linking her arm with mine.

“Me too, a little,” she agrees. “I don’t know.” I feel a tiny bit of relief that I’m not the only one.

“Do you believe in me?” I ask her, after a little more silence.

“Yes,” she answers, not even asking me what the fuck I’m talking about. “Can we go home?” she asks.

“Whatever you want,” I reply. I stand, then help her up by her hands, not letting go of one of them while we go back inside to say goodbye to her parents and brother, who like me for reasons I wouldn’t be able to explain for the life of me.

After, we’re driving home in my car, and she’s watching the streets go by out the window.

The radio plays softly in the background.

She starts to say something, but her same voice interrupts her from the stereo speakers.

She immediately leans forward and turns the volume all the way down.

“Aren’t they sick of my fucking song yet?” she drunkenly grumbles and I smile in amusement.

I help her inside and we get ready for bed.

I lie awake for awhile next to her, listening to her breathing.

“I love you,” she says, suddenly leaning over to give me a goodnight kiss, after I already think she’s fallen asleep.

I feel like I’m falling.

In a good way.