Gravity's Rainbow

In many ways, college was exactly what I expected it to be. The classes were challenging, the workload at times unbearable, the independence exhilarating, and the other students friendly.

But at the same time, I never expected myself to be as lonely as I was.

I suppose it all started when I arrived to school the first day with my parents, only to see two of the campus workers pulling a mattress from my room. Poking my head inside, I saw a plump, blonde woman inside my room signing off on some papers. The four of us had a quick conversation, to which I learned that my roommate had opted to live in a different campus housing arrangement. Upset at first upon learning that I would be spending my first year at college without a dormmate, I quickly rationalized that the privacy would be good for me. Diane, a senior at the college and my resident assistant, always made it a point to check up on me, and I guess she could sense my loneliness, but she never really did much about it.

My parents encouraged me to get to know people in any way I could. They even told me to attend parties and, so frustrated with my lack of an appetite for social activities, even suggested drinking responsibly. But when I began to ask around, I soon learned that the fastest way to not be invited to a college party was to go looking for one.

I felt like I tried everything; I joined clubs, I talked to people during class, I sat with people during meals, yet nothing seemed to work. The only good thing I had with another human being was with Zack. I lived for his text messages, and his nightly phone calls became the staple that held my life together. I desperately wanted him to come and visit me, but I knew how busy he was with the new album, and I didn’t want to put him under any more stress than he was already under. Still, I missed him like I had never missed another person before.

A few months into the year, Zack suddenly stopped responding to my texts. His nightly calls vanished, and I was left with a strange feeling. Wondering if he was just a figment of my imagination, I sunk into a feeling of loneliness I had never experienced before. Even my favorite classes became tedious, and seeing people walk around with friends sent pangs of jealousy through my body. I couldn’t figure out why he wouldn’t respond to me, and I realized that the logical thing to do would be to try and get in contact with him on myspace. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it – what if this was the end? I wouldn’t have been angry if one day I called him and some beautiful model answered the phone, explaining to me that he had a girlfriend now and to stop calling him.

I know Zack promised to wait for me, but sometimes you couldn’t always keep your promises. I wouldn’t have blamed him.

All good things had to end eventually, and the relationship Zack and I had formed had been no different. He was twenty-one years old, nearly twenty-two, and he couldn’t just sit around talking to me on the phone all day. He needed personal contact, and as much as I wanted to be the person to give him that, I couldn’t.

As I lay back on my bed, arms folded behind my head, I wondered if I should go and talk to Mary tonight. Mary was the spunky, loud girl who lived in the dorm across from me, and she was the closest thing I had to a friend. While she was always more than happy to make room for me in her plans, I often times felt like a burden, and tonight wasn’t the night I wanted to feel like that. It wasn’t that she didn’t like having me around; it was more that her friends were the ones trying to keep me out of their plans.

I’m not sure what time I fell asleep at, but I awoke to the sound of a brisk knocking at my door. I rotated my wrist so I could get a better look at my watch, noting the digital 2:30 that stared back at me like a slap to the face. I futilely rubbed the sleep from my eyes, my brown hair sticking up every way possible. With crooked steps I approached the door, turning the knob and being stunned by the bright light that stared back at me.

“Hey girl!” Mary exclaimed, pushing the door open a bit. The volume of her voice and the overall happiness that she radiated was enough to make me cringe.

“Hi, Mary,” I mumbled, trying to smooth down my hair. My plaid sleeping shorts, topped with a tank top and Zack’s hoodie he had given me so long ago exuded the fact that she had woken me up – so why wasn’t she getting the hint?

“So what are you up to?” She questioned, her eyes darting back and forth from me to something off to the side that I couldn’t see.

“Oh, you know,” I muttered, “just hanging out.” As much as I adored Mary and her ability to make me feel wanted when I knew I wasn’t, did she have to do it now? At 2:30 in the morning?

“Sounds fun!” She exclaimed, and began giggling into her palm, before turning her head to face the unknown person next to her. “I know, I know – stop, just wait – I’ll tell her soon!” Mary said softly to what I assumed to be a person standing next to her. I clenched my jaw and breathed heavily. I didn’t even want to bother seeing who she was talking to – I just wanted to go back to sleep.

“Look, Mary, I’m pretty tired, and –“

“There’s someone here to see you!” She interrupted, a huge grin seeping across her face. I blinked a couple of times, my head tilted in confusion.

“At 2:30 in the morning?” I clarified, beginning to wonder if this was just some strange dream.

“Well he’s been wandering around campus for a while, now. He looked pretty sketchy doing it, but I took him in out of the goodness of my heart,” Mary began, over-dramatically placing her hand on her chest for good measure. I could hear a voice protesting from the side, and when I craned my neck to look, Mary moved into my line of sight. “And I asked him who he was looking for, and he said he was looking for you. Good thing I live across from you, right?”

“Right…?” I responded, clutching the already half-closed door.

“So I’m going to leave you two alone to get reacquainted.” It seemed as though Mary was about to leave, before she turned around and added, “but make sure he doesn’t get caught here, okay? You’ll both get in some deep shit if he does.” Finally she spun on her heel and walked towards her dorm, leaving me staring at a section of empty hallway.

“Paisley?” The voice said, moving into view. My breath hitched in my throat, the world moving in slow motion as Zack stepped in front of my half-open door. His hair was disheveled and he had bags under his eyes, but I had never been happier to see him. I lunged forward, noticeably catching him off guard as I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck and buried my face in his chest. I could hear him chuckle before he pulled me in closer, his arms looping around my waist. We stayed in this position for a few seconds, until he unwrapped his arms from around my middle. “C’mon, Paise, we should go inside,” he said softly, looking down at me. I didn’t respond, instead just hugging him tighter. I was afraid to let go – afraid that once I unlinked my arms from around his neck, he would vanish. “Paisley? What’s wrong?”

I breathed heavily, letting him go and staring up at him. “Nothing,” I responded, smiling slightly. “I’m just really glad you’re here.”