Chequered Nettle

They say that there are moments in life that completely change you forever. They mold you into the person you become tomorrow. It defines you, and stays burned into your memory for eternity as you remember it as one of the few things that makes you who you are. I thought that that moment had already happened for me, but I guess people can be wrong.

I thought maybe I could impress them as they idly sat behind a table covered with notes and papers with show tunes, or something familiar to catch their attention like I did at the karaoke bar. But the way the man seated on the far right stared at me; it made me think no show tunes would impress him. At least not coming from my lips.

There were two other people I didn't recognize besides Ira, and Seth behind that desk. The first sat between Ira and Seth. He introduced himself as Nathan Blu. He seemed very lax, like he would could be anywhere and still be content. The second, however, the person on the farthest right he was something else. He said his name was Duke Halstead, and for some reason his name sounded eerily familiar.

These four, was I really a joke to them? If I was I couldn't possibly see where they were taking this. Maybe Ira actually thought I couldn't sing and was here to show his friends, but I could. I really could, just not in front of people. This time, I would have to break this rule to prove to them that I really could.

"Whenever you're ready." Seth said with irritatingly kind smile. I stood there for a moment, my mind blank. I thought I already knew what I wanted to sing. But seeing these people, particularly Duke Halstead, I knew it wouldn't be enough.

What then could I sing to impress him? I stood there, the words failing to come out of my mouth. I couldn't sing the same one as before. I just couldn't. Then what now? I couldn't just stand there expecting go get the job. Anything, even the itsy, bitsy spier would be good at this point.

I couldn't help but stare at this Duke person. It was his fault to begin with. If he had been as relaxed as the others then maybe I wouldn't be so nervous. Maybe then I would be able to do this.

In a panic, I shut my eyes thinking that perhaps if I couldn't see him he wouldn't see me. That there was nothing in the world but darkness and I was the only thing there. I floated there, deep in my mind, alone with nothing in sight around me. For some twisted reason here in the nothingness I felt welcome. I felt at peace.

"Crimson lights the sky, the bird's still asleep." I began in the darkness a slow and haunting melody. "Like a dream it shines, from heaven's safe keep." There was something wrong with the song. I knew it once the words left my mouth. The darkness around me moved like black smoke swilling and shifting into something else.

"Children's songs we sung, as soft as the breeze." I pressed on ignoring whatever swirled in my head at the moment. The only thought I had to concentrate on was finishing this song. I couldn't stop now that I had started it. "Endless fields, our home, I long for those days."

The smoke in my head formed and lightened adding color to the darkness in my mind as I began to sing the second verse. "I call out these prayers to the sky, heavy with thought, see your face. I carry these memories inside, thoughts of a soul colored by love. " The colored smoke ceased being vapor as it solidified and it formed her. And I wasn't alone anymore in the darkness. She was with me there and she was with me always.

I realized then what was wrong with this song. This was her song. The song she sang to comfort me when I was in turmoil. The very same that I hadn't heard since she died. It was strange that in a moment of peril I would come back to this song. "See me grow wings and fly high, passions will die down below." The song sounded wrong coming from my lips and not hers. Like it was a part of her that I had just taken and used.

"I burn in a basin of fire, watchers look on as they dance in their merciless sky." I couldn't continue. Even though they were shut my eyes burned. I struggled to keep my voice steady. I grew mad thinking that I had put her behind me. Yet hearing her song reminded me that she would never truly leave me.

"Watching me," Almost done. I knew that all I would have to do was finish and her image would disappear from the nothingness that was my mind. "watching you."

I shut my quickly opened my eyes again and I was back again, auditioning at some stranger's place. For the longest time no one said anything. I wished they would to keep me from thinking again. It was a mistake to sing that song. A big mistake that left me wounded.

"We'll call you to let you know." was all I heard from Seth. I just nodded glad to be dismissed. Just as I shut the door outside I cursed myself as a single tear manged to slip out.

After this moment, never again. I wouldn't allow myself to put myself in a moment that made me that weak. Never again.