Suffering Alone In Silence

Frank’s POV

I’m losing my damn mind in this place. I am being fed via a tube and I feel disgusting. I can see more and more fat every day. I worked so hard to get to where I was before becoming a patient. I silently bed and plead for them to not help. I don’t need help.

I am numb.

I can’t feel anything. I can’t feel the needles or the emotional pain as I dream of monsters. I awake night after night, screaming in terror but I can’t seem to recall what goes on in my head when I dream. Maybe I know what happens, but don’t want to admit it.

Gerard has been here, night after night, comforting me. I wake up crying and he gets into the bed next to me and holds me, rocking me back and forward until I calm down. We haven’t really spoken all that much, but I think I am starting to trust him a little bit. That’s dangerous, trusting someone. I trusted my parents and look where I ended up. The only person I have ever trusted was Mikey. He’s the only person who never let me down.

The door creaks open and I turn to look at my visitor. It’s only Gerard.

“Hey Frankie.” He greets me with a smile.

I simply look at him.

“You’re looking better. The doctor says you’re starting to recover from withdrawal. He says once you’re fully recovered we’ll be able to start you on a new medication.” He continues.

“Gerard...” I start, but find myself short of breath.

“Are you okay?” He asks, looking concerned.

I nod once.

“I have to tell you something.” I start.

“Well let me get a seat and my notebook out.” He replies, looking hopeful.

I watch as he sits in the hard chair and gets his note book out.

“I’m ready when you are.” He encourages me with a smile.

I take a deep breath and arrange my thoughts.

“My dad...He-He hated me so much.” I start. I frown because this isn’t what I wanted to say. I decide to try again.

“Gerard...He...dad raped me.” I state.

I gasp; because I just let my biggest secret out and it left a hole in my chest. It was painful; it felt as if someone was ripping me apart. I watch as Gerard writes a few notes, possibly quoting me.

He looks up at me with sad eyes.

“Frankie, I know this is hard but was it only once?” He asked.

I realised that I didn’t really want to open up after all, and had a mental debate whether to answer the question or admit I didn’t want to go any further, that I wasn’t really ready.

“No.” I whispered.

I watch as he nods his head in response and scribbles some more notes down.

“Gerard I can’t do this anymore.” I say.

“We don’t have to go any further today Frankie.” He replies, closing his note book.

“I have to go now Frank, I’ll be back this afternoon.” He continues.

I watch as he gets up and exits out of my room.

I am left thinking only one thing.

‘What have I done?’