Suffering Alone In Silence

Frank’s POV

Seeing Mikey made me feel better about everything. I know that I am loved by not only him but Gerard as well. They actually care about me.

It’s been two days since I saw Mikey. I am feeling okay. No tension, no nausea, and no sense of panic. For once I am completely calm.

Gerard walks through me door, suddenly ripping me from my very happy place.

“Hey Frankie,” He greets me with a smile.

“Hey” I reply with a smile of my own.

“Wow, I haven’t seen that before.” He states.

I give a confused look.

“You smiled. You’re so pretty when you smile Frankie.”

“Oh, uhm, thanks.” I give another smile, but this time it’s a shy one.

“So how are you today?” He asks, pulling up a chair.

“I’m feeling pretty damn good. There is no tension, no nausea, and no panic, for the first time since I’ve arrived here I feel...alive. I don’t know, I can’t really explain it. It’s like when Mikey visited, it made me better.” I answer.

My cheeks are sore from smiling so much, but it’s a pain I like.

“Wow. Did the doctors give you a new medication?” Gerard asks after a moment’s thought.

“Not that I know of,” I reply.

“Okay.” He scribbles a few notes down in my book.

“So what do you want to talk about today then?” He asks, when he’s finished writing in my book.

“Let’s talk about my mom.” I say.

“Okay, I’m listening when you’re ready.” He says, leaning back in his chair.

“Can you ask me something about her; I don’t really know where to start.” I ask quietly.

“Sure. Tell me how she treated you.” He replies, without missing a beat.

“I loved my mom. She didn’t beat me up and showed me mercy at times. She would walk away when my dad was beating me, I don’t think she wanted to see what he was doing to me. When my dad was finished with me and had left the house, she would clean me up. Take care of the cuts and scrapes. She took me to the hospital when dad broke my arm. Dad wouldn’t let me eat so she used to sneak me up some chips and coke before she went to bed. She always went to bed after him.” I feel like I need a break.

“I need to stop for a moment.” I say calmly.

“Okay.” Gerard responds.

I take a few deep breaths and decide that I am okay. That I can continue.

“When dad found out that mom was sneaking me food, they got into a huge fight. That was the first time dad took it past a beating. He locked us all in my room and made her watch while he raped me. I think she realised that I could no longer be helped. She stopped taking care of me after that. I didn’t get any food, and the beatings and raping got worse night after night.” I finish.

“Tell me about when you first got into drugs,” Gerard asked, in a gentle soothing voice.

I took a moment to study his face. He wore that same casual expression. It was non-judgemental, and calm. It relaxed me a bit.

“Please promise me you won’t be mad at Mikey.” I say.

“Promise,” He replies, his facial expression telling me he means it.

“Well Mikey ended up finding out about what was going on at my house. I don’t think he really realised the extent of it in the beginning, but he knows everything. We share every little detail with each other. He said he had this friend who could get us prescription pills. He suggested I try some to stop the nightmares and pain. I agreed. It was the best thing Mikey ever did for me, even to this day. Anyway, I started using them and I got hooked. Mikey couldn’t understand how great the feeling was. I didn’t suffer from night terrors or the physical or emotional pain. I didn’t feel anything. I encouraged him to try it.” I give a sigh at the memory and paused for a bit.

“When you’re ready Frankie, no hurry,” Gerard encourages.

I take a few deep breaths and organise my thoughts. I still feel calm. Not the happy sort of
calm, but just like a weight has been lifted.

“By the time my father got careless with his beatings, I was so strung out and both Mikey and I were going through about a hundred bucks of pills a week between us. We were constantly high. Mikey’s grades fell, because when he’s high he can’t concentrate and thinks everything is funny. My grades were always low because I had given up on life. I was a beat up, starving kid. There was no hope for me. You know the day that we met and I overdosed?”I asked.

Gerard nods.

“Yer well, that was the last day that I wanted to live. I was planning on going home and killing myself. If it weren’t for my overdose and ending up here, I’d be 6 feet under by now.” I finish.

I see Gerard give a shiver at the thought.

“I’m glad you didn’t die,” He smiles at me.

“I can’t say the same thing just yet.” I reply

Gerard gives another shiver.