Suffering Alone In Silence

Frank’s POV

Friday comes and goes quickly. I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I don’t cry. I don’t do anything. Gerard spent a few hours trying to get me to talk. I just didn’t feel like it. I overheard Doc tell Gerard that they would still go ahead with my sleepovers. I don’t care where I go; I just want to rot in my misery.

It is the early hours of Saturday morning. It’s about 2 am. I sit at my window and stare into nothingness. My mind is empty, as is my heart. I can’t feel anything anymore. That is my only comfort. It is very dark outside, it’s relaxing, comforting, like a cup of hot chocolate on a cold winter’s night.

While in the care of Gerard’s family at the beginning of the week I came across something that interested me immediately. I can only think about it and the pleasure that it will bring me. I can’t let it slip to anyone, so I hold my tongue.

I watch the sun rise and then go for a shower because I can smell myself and that’s not cool. So I shower and dress in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.
I decide that I am hungry, so after putting on some shoes I make my way out of my room and down the hall to the dining area. I go and pick up some fresh fruit, a box of milk and a stubby plastic fork. I then make my way over to a vacant seat by the window and stare out at the hospital grounds while I eat my small breakfast. I can only get through half of the already small meal, before my mind and stomach tell me to stop before I am sick. I stop eating but continue to push the food around the bowl.

“Y’know that you shouldn’t play with your food.” A voice suddenly says from beside me.

I jump in my seat, before turning my head to be faced with Gerard’s smiling face.

“I went to see you in your room, where doc said you’d be, but then your room was empty. You had us all worried.” He speaks again.

“I-I was hungry.” I mumble.

“That’s okay. It’s good to see you eating something. You had us all worried for a few days. Doc was ready to tube feed you, but I told him to wait and see how you progressed.” He
replied quickly.

I nod my head in understanding.

“Frankie. You know that relapse is normal, right?” He asks, concern gracing his features.

“Mhm, you’ve told me that.” I mumble, with a nod.

“It will get better, I promise.” He pauses.

“Don’t go anywhere, I’ll be right back.” He finishes, before getting up and quickly leaving.

I think about how he would feel if I went through with my plan. I doubt myself now, feeling a sudden wave of intense emotion. I think to myself, realising something.

‘These people actually care about me and would be really freaking upset.’

I thought some more about it and decided to postpone it for a while, keep it in the back of my mind. I watched the dining room entrance for a while, before I saw Gerard walk back through it with a smile on his face.

“Feel like taking a walk, Frankenstein?” He giggles at the pet name.

I find it remarkably confusing. Why would Gerard pick a name like that to give me? Why doesn’t he just call me by my name? My face must of given away what I was thinking, as I saw Gerard’s smile fall.

“Sorry, Frankie. I didn’t mean to upset you.” He apologised. Giving me a hug.

“It’s okay. I kinda like it, but I just don’t understand the whole name thing. I’ve never had
someone call me something other than Frank or Frankie.” I explain.

“Oh, well I can just stop calling you that if you’d like?” He asks.

“No its okay, really. You can call me Frankenstein if you want.” I smile at him.

“Okay then. So wanna go outside?” He asks once more.

“Sure” I mumble once more before following him outside and into the fresh air.