Suffering Alone In Silence

Frank’s POV

I am sitting in Mel’s office. I like it in here, because she had the walls painted a bright blue colour. Her room is always a calming place for me. I took some pills before I came here, but just a couple because I don’t want to come off as a full-on druggie.

“What would you like to talk about Frank?” Mel asks me after a few moments of silence.

“I need your help, Mel. I really need your help,” I mumble, shame flooding my veins.

“What do you need help with?” She asks, clearly curious.

“I-I, Mel I need help. The doctor gave me Xanax, and I can’t stop taking them. I’ve spent the last week high off my face. I saw Donna for the first time yesterday and I felt so ashamed when I heard that she was worried about me. I’ve been mixing pain killers and Xanax and I’m so high. Gerard says the teachers are pleased with my progress-” I ramble on when Mel cuts me off.

“Frank, sweetie, you’re getting all jumbled up in your thoughts. I need you to tell me one thing at a time.” She instructs.

I nod and start to arrange my thought in my head, but I still feel all jumbled. Mel must of noticed this.

“How about we talk about your medicines first. That is the most important thing to me right now, because I don’t want you to go down that path again.” She tells me.

I nod again and start to organise my thoughts about my possible drug addiction.

“I should of told the doctor,” I start.

“Frank, let me tell you something, but I want you to look at me.” She replies calmly.

I nod and look at her.

“Frank, the doctor knew about you. I told him not to give you specific types of drugs. He failed in his duty of care. I will be following this up after we are finished here, but I want you to know that it is by no way your fault. What I am going to do is send you down to the clinic that helped you last time and we’ll wean you off it before giving you something new.” She explains.

“Is it wrong that I don’t want to be without it?” I ask, worry clear in my tone of voice.

“Frank it’s only wrong that you’ve been suffering with this for a week. It’s okay to feel like you need it, but once you start coming off it, you’ll feel better. I’ll make sure that you get the right medicines, but you have to stop taking the pain killers. They are making this worse.” She continues.

I nod and a tear falls down my cheek. Mel slides the tissues across the table. I take two and wipe my eyes and blow my nose.

“Now, tell me why you felt so ashamed when Donna told you she was worried.” Mel asks.

I take a deep breath and think about this for a moment.

“I don’t want her to worry about me all the time. I know she cares, because she protected me when my mother found me. I felt so ashamed, because it felt like I let her down again.”
I take in a lung full of air and breathe out slowly.

“Frank, Donna loves you, even I know that. It doesn’t matter that you let her down, because she knew that this event would set you back, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you any less. I want you to start to forgive yourself, stop beating yourself up about not being perfect, because nobody is. You need to let go of all this hurt you are putting on yourself.” Mel tells me in the most sincere voice I have ever heard her talk in.

“It’s so hard Mel, because I am now just realising that I have been hurt and so I hurt myself. I don’t want to ever disappoint Donna, or even Gerard or Mikey. Poor Mikey, he seems so sad to see me. He loves me, no problems there, but I still make him sad. I don’t even really know how to talk to Gerard anymore. Has he said anything to you?” I ask.

“Gerard is upset. He just loves you so much, but its tearing him up inside, because he can’t fix you. Only you can fix you.” Mel replies with a sad smile.

“How do I talk to him, how do I get through to him?” I ask again.

“You need to tell him how you feel about him, and make him understand what I told you about how only you can fix you.” She smiles in reply.

I take on what Mel just said and look at the clock. Our session was up a couple of minutes ago. Mel and I both stand up and walk to the door. Mel and I hug before we walk out to the waiting room where Gerard is waiting for me.

“You go on ahead Frank, I just want a quick word with Gerard,” Mel smiles.

I nod my head and go and sit down by the reception desk. I watch as Mel pulls Gerard away a few feet before the talk quietly, for a few minutes. They soon return to me and I catch the end of Mel’s sentence.

“-remember, no pressure.” She smiles.

“Yes Mel.” Gerard groans, but still smiling.

“See you in a couple of days Frank,” Mel smiles and waves as we walk out the door.