Suffering Alone In Silence

Frank’s POV

Once again I find myself trapped in my own head, everything being replayed. I am tied to a chair, my father beating me senselessly with his belt. Half my hair has been pulled out, the bloody clumps of it next to me, blood oozing from my scalp. Even in my dream I feel myself fall unconscious.

The next thing I know I am hiding in my closet, rifling through the old shoe boxes I have in there. I am looking for my escape, but I can’t quite recognise if I am still dreaming or if I really am awake. Another two shoe boxes get ripped apart and I have finally found what I was looking for.

My razorblade.

I start tearing at the flesh, trying to not make a sound. I can hear footsteps climbing up the stairs. Someone with heavy boots, my dad had heavy boots. I panic, putting the razorblade down next to me, my flesh unrecognisable. I quickly tear open a new syringe and fill it with the contents of the matching bottle.

In a blind panic, I don’t bother with finding a vein, and I slam it into my thigh. Suddenly my entire world calms and I realise that I was awake. I loll my head over towards the cupboard door, and it suddenly swings open.

Gerard takes one look at me and swears like a sailor. He yells something and a rush of feet come up the stairs. I am floating away, floating from whatever chaos is happening. Then I pass out.

When I awake, I am slightly propped up, then everything focuses and I freak. I fall out of the bed, and in the process, rip out the IV in my hand, and I run as fast as I can. I collide with a doctor or a nurse I’m not quite sure, but they hold me tightly and I squirm and writhe and kick and scream.

“Calm down dear, calm down, you’re okay,” the doctor/nurse tells me.

Its okay, whoever they are, and they are a female.

I stop screaming and lashing out, but the chaos just continues in my head. It gets so loud and so jumbled that I just go limp for a moment, then shake, my body a quivering mess.

Another seizure, and another breakdown, and I’ve come full circle.

I return to consciousness once more, with a feeling of defeat, but the chaos in my head has vacated for a while. I turn my head each way working out the knots in it. Then I see Gerard, curled up in a chair at the end of my bed.

“G...,” I try but my voice fails me.

“Gee?” I try once more.

He stirs, his eyes slowly opening, they fall straight onto me and suddenly he is at my bedside and he’s crying and kissing my head. and then I am suddenly aware of everything that hurts, and its safe to say that it is my entire body.

“I feel like crap,” I mumble.

“I’m not surprised,” He mumbles back.

“What happened?” I ask.

“Do you remember anything?” He asks.

“We went to the park, and I wouldn’t get out of the car, and I met someone called Ashley and then we went home. I think you were mad at me or something.” I mumble, my breath shortening.

“Easy there, deep breaths.” He mumbles.

“I wasn’t mad at you, but we did go to the park and you wouldn’t get out of the car, and you had this look in your eyes like you weren’t even there. I’ve never once seen you with that look in your eyes. Sure you’ve been pretty vacant, but this look was different, you just weren’t there, like you were dead.” He pauses, kisses my forehead, then sighs.

He pulls up a chair next to my bed.

“You were talking to thin air Frankie, you didn’t actually meet anyone., I decided to take you home. You were just so lifeless. You screamed blue murder and went mental just as we got to our street and I had to stop to calm you. You passed out. I stuck you in your bed when we got home, and then I went to check on you half an hour later and you weren’t in your bed.” He pauses, takes a deep shuddering breath.

“I found you in the cupboard, you had cut right down to the bone in some places. You also just about died of an overdose on morphine. By the way; where did you get it? I’m not mad, but interested in where you got it. Anyway, We called the ambulance and they bought you here. You woke up and had another psychotic break, and pulled you IV out. You were dripping blood everywhere. You ran straight into Mel and then proceeded to have a seizure in her arms. They think there is something seriously wrong baby. Right now though you are in ICU and have been here for three weeks.” Gerard finished.

“I’m so, so sorry,” I cry out to him.

“Shh baby, don’t worry you’ll be alright.” Gerard replies, getting up and crawling in next to me, holding me tightly against his chest.