Brendan Dude

I didn’t like this feeling. It ate away at my veins and burned up my skin, chewing my mind through. It was a constant reminder that I was a big reason for David’s death.

Guilt.

Pure, unadulterated guilt.

It was what made me frustrated all day; it was what made me call Luke and tell him the whole story and how I wasn’t feeling up to band practice. He told me he’d pray for me. I never thanked him for that.

And guilt was in full force as I darted down and around the streets of Fireside Landing to the bridge near Chevelle Street.

I wasn’t going to jump, if that’s what you were thinking.

Joey was.

Mom and Dad didn’t know. They said he was at the bridge when I asked where he was, and they responded plain as day. But I had a hunch that he was doing a little more than just looking at his reflection in the water.

If I had a freakin’ dime for every hunch that was right…

The freezing January air froze my lungs solid as I pounded the pavement, my feet burning holes in the street. My legs ached and jarred with every step - it hurt like hell to be running like this.
If I dared to stop, I’d lose another brother.

My shirt nearly tore off with the wind pushing me back. It was simply a parachute and held me down, but I had no time to stop and take it off. I kind of wished my pants would stay up, too. My shoes flung off my feet a while ago, but I didn’t care since I ran better without them.

I came to the intersection of Chevelle and Freehand, stopping at the sight of the bridge. Joey teetered on the edge, sobbing and shaking his head with ruffled hair.

The image screamed suicide.

Just in time I skidded to a stop behind him and he looked back at me. “What do you want?” he spat.

“Don’t jump. I mean it,” I said.

His tears dropped one by one into the river below, a tint of red blending with the water. I saw fifty different cuts on his wrists and almost screamed.

“Why not? …I made him like this. I made his life shit. I’m the reason why he’s dead. I never should’a jumped in the way of his truck. If I were never born, you guys’d be happy and still have ‘im. I loved David, man. I didn’t really want him to go. God…”

I pulled him off the edge and he stumbled into my arms, Joey breaking down and crying like a baby.

“You don’t even know, dude. I almost died with him. I almost died. He was fucked up. And the last thing I said to him was that I wanted him to die. Shit, I could’ve been dead right along with him. How guilty do you think I am, telling him that?! It sucks, yeah! But…at least he’s not hurting anymore.”

The air was still. Joey dug his head into my shoulder, crying softly now.

“David’s an angel now,” I told him.

“That pothead ain’t in Heaven.”

“Well…whatever. He’s watching us right now, and he loves us, and I don’t think he’d want us to die young. Especially not from suicide.”

“…Yeah.”

“And you can’t die. ‘Cause that means I’ll have to deal with Grandma alone.”

He smiled. Not an evil or devious smile. Just…a smile.

Then he wiped a tear away and pulled me into a hug. That was when I realized I shed a tear or two, too. We - brothers, no matter how much we fought - said farewell to one of us. Our third.

And I saved a life.

It almost made up for being a huge factor in David’s death.

Almost.

But it was better than being alone.

The sky was going pink, the sun beginning to set across the horizon. Joey and I leaned against the railing of the bridge, watching the calm water race below us.

“I can’t believe what just happened. I’d be dead, man,” he chuckled, shaking his head.

“Yeah.”

“But you saved me, dude. Thanks.”

I smiled back. This feeling sure beat guilt.

And somewhere, I felt a sunbeam that couldn’t have been coincidental.

I just saved Joey from himself. And I saw a completely different side to him, unlike the one that pissed me off and was known for giving me arm bruises. He loved David, contrary to what he let on. I knew it. He felt even worse than I did for making him break. And then, he cracked.

You know, David’s dead. That wasn’t changing. But I still had Joey. I saved his life. He’s still my brother.

We started walking home along the sidewalk. The streetlights were in full force, guiding us through the neighborhood. Right as we stopped at the edge of our driveway, though, Joey added a little warning.

“Oh yeah - we should probably still hate each other for now. You know, until things settle down.”

“Good idea.”

He gave me a knowing smile.