Behind Blue Eyes

I walked into seventh hour again and the lively conversation I'd been having with my friends was immediately cut short as soon as I saw the all too familiar boy sitting to the back of the classroom, head down, hood pulled up over his head. It was like he was trying to bury himself in that hoodie, constantly, everyday. Like he felt that maybe, just maybe if he hid deep enough into it, he would vanish from sight.

I walked silently to the back of the classroom and, instead of sitting in my usual seat at the front of the class with all of my friends, I chose to sit in the only empty seat next to this lonely looking boy.

I took note of how he glanced over at me out from under his hood very briefly. The look he gave off nearly knocked the breath right out of me and left me feeling sick to my stomach for the rest of the day. It was a look of pure hatred and agony. Hatred? I had done nothing to this boy to make him hate me. I didn't even know him. Agony I could understand, he always looked so alone.

I had the sudden urge to get up from my seat and tell the teacher I was feeling ill, but that would just look obvious to him. He probably wanted to scare me off. I would stay here for the rest of the period, in this very seat, and show him that he does not intimidate me.

Class seemed to drag by with no end. Occasionally, one of my friends would turn in their seat and throw me and odd glance. No doubt they were wondering why I'd chosen to sit here. Whenever one of them would turn and look at me I would simply busy myself.

The boy had remained silent, as usual, throughout the entire period. Only this time, there was a different iciness to his being as he sat rigid and still next to me. I leaned to my right, as far away from him as possible watching the clock, impatiently, for the last five minutes to pass.

Finally, the bell rung. I was never so happy to jump from my seat and leave the classroom. I didn't pay attention to his movements, I was far too concerned about getting away from him as quickly as possible. I met up with my friends in the hallway where I was immediately bogged with questions.

"Why didn't you sit with us?" My best friend, Maria questioned. I shrugged slightly and before I could say anything, my other friend, Alecia, cut in, "Yeah, why'd you sit at the back with, well," I watched her glance to the left as she spoke more quietly, "him." I allowed my eyes to follow her gaze and saw the boy walking a few paces behind us. Again, there was that icy glare and he walked briskly past us. "Hello? Earth to Adeline.." I saw shook my head slightly as Alecia was snapping her fingers in front of my face.

"Huh?"

"What is up with you and that guy?" I shrugged and shook my head. "Nothing, I just, I didn't wanna be called on today, so I sat in the back." She nodded, but it was a nod that told me she wasn't buying.

"Mhm, okay. Whatever you say, Addie." I turned so that I was walking backwards away from them.

"I'm gonna catch up with you guys later, alright? I've got a lot of..chemistry and stuff to work on." With that I turned and walked quickly toward the exit. I thought I heard faint calls from my friends, but merely ignored them and made a mental note to make plans with them later.

When I made it outside, I half expected to see the boy from my English class, but he wasn't there. I sighed, not out of disappointment, but out of frustration. I wanted to confront him and ask him what his problem was with me. I'd never done anything to him, I'd never even spoke to him a day in my life, so why did he act so cold towards me?

I shook my thoughts as I made my way up my front porch steps and into the house.

"I'm home!" I called, but to received no response. I tossed my books on the couch and walked into the kitchen where I found a note stuck on the refrigerator door.

Adeline,

I ran to the store to pick up a few necessities that I've been noticing we need around the house. I'll be picking your sister up before I come home.

See you soon.

Love,
Mom

I half smiled and opened the fridge to grab a bottle of water, when I shut the door to the fridge again, I gasped lightly, gripping my chest. I slapped the arm of my laughing older brother.

"You're such an incompetent moron, Jesse!" I shouted, which only made him laugh harder. "Don't scare me like that!"

"Oh lighten up, Add," he smirked. I rolled my eyes and twisted the cap off of my water bottle and took a drink.

"The day you get a life is the day I'll lighten up." I smirked, walking from the kitchen. He smirked and rolled his eyes.

"So where's Mom?"

"Store." He nodded.

"Kay, well, I'm out."

"Already? You just got home."

"Yeah, well, you see, there's this really bangin' chic that wants me to pick her up and take her to the game...just can't pass that up." I gave him a disgusted look and he simply laughed, grabbing his keys and walking out again.

I walked to the window and watched him leave, shaking my head.

"It's getting hot in here." I muttered to myself, walking to the hall and flipping the air conditioning on. Summer was approaching quickly and the weather was warming up generously. I walked upstairs and decided to change into a pair of shorts and a tank top.

After changing, I walked out front and sat out on the porch steps. I was just considering calling Maria, when I noticed him walking by. I watched him, merely puzzled. For one, he was in the same old jeans and hooded sweatshirt on a nearly eighty degree day, for two, I'd never seen him on my block before, and then...there was that glare again. I decided I was going to grow some major guts and go confront him.

I stood from my spot on the porch and marched, barefoot, to where he was just passing my house.

"Excuse me." I called, crossing my arms over my chest. He didn't stop, so I spoke again. "Excuse me, may I speak with you for a moment?" At these words, he stopped, but didn't turn towards me. I took a step closer, not daring to get too close. "Did I do something wrong to you or do you just have a problem with me in general?" He stayed silent, not looking at me and not speaking. "Because don't think I haven't noticed the looks I've been receiving from you."

Silence still...

"Look, if you have a problem with me just be a man and tell me about it-" he turned sharply to face me, cutting off my previous sentence and spoke in an icy tone that not even the devil himself could conjure up.

"You act like it's me with the problem. You and your little friends. I notice the looks I've been receiving from them. And you never pay any attention to me yet today, today you choose to sit right next to me. So why don't you just keep to yourself and your little posse and everybody will be happy," he spat before turning quickly on the heel of his beat up converse and leaving.

I stood in shock for a moment, trying to comprehend the words that this boy, who didn't even know me, had just spoken to me so harshly. I had only sat by him today in a friendly manner, in hopes that maybe he wouldn't feel so alone. Had he not stalked off so quickly, I might have had the chance to tell him that.

I huffed and turned back toward my house. I was still slightly baffled by his attitude and all I wanted to do was go inside and soak in a long hot bath, despite the heat.

His words played over and over in my head that entire night and I was lucky if I slept all of two hours. I contemplated whether I should grow some guts and sit next to him again tomorrow, or if I should just leave it alone and sit with Maria and Alecia. To sit with the girls would be the simple thing to do, but I was raised to be a strong courageous girl and to do the simple thing was taking the easy way out.

I sighed as I sat up and ran a hand through my hair. I glanced over at the clock which read 4:05 AM. I decided to stay up for the rest of the day seeing as I'd been trying to sleep all night, but to no avail.

I took a shower, taking more time than usual to get out seeing as I had a couple extra hours on my hands. Once I finished, I changed into a pair of skinny jeans, a halter top, and after a few moments of indecisive nature, I chose converse over heels. I put on light make up today, only enough to bring out the natural tones and highlights of my face and threw my hair up into a ponytail. After examining myself in the mirror, I decided I look presentable enough for the day.

The walk to school was quiet and peaceful, in fact, the entire school day was peaceful, until that dreadful hour came along. Last period, when I would have to face him again. Normally, I loved last hour. It was the easiest and the last class of the day and both of my best friends were in this class with me. Now...I'd never dreaded anything more in my whole life. However, I would take it in with stride and I would face it.

I walked into my English classroom and marched right to the back, taking my seat from the previous day. The girls had been expecting this, I'd talked to them at lunch and let them know what was going on. The boy, however, must have been expecting me to not show my face around here at all for awhile, because if looks could kill...

I sat up straight in my seat and crossed my right leg over my left, paying close attention to the teacher as she instructed us. I could feel the intense glares he was shooting at me and it made me want to cringe and I suddenly felt uncomfortable in my own skin.

But I would not let him see that.

We actually made it through the entire class without him lunging at me, which I was actually anticipating for a while. I didn't jump out of my seat and rush like the room like the day before. I moved slowly and smoothly across the classroom and I could feel his eyes burning holes into the back of my skull. A small smirk found it's way to the corner of my lips as I exited the classroom and walked to my locker to remove the books I would need to take home and free my arms of the books that I didn't need.

As I walked, I realized Alecia and Maria had not run up to join me as usual. This thought had me wondering for a moment, but I simply shrugged it off as I revealed my combination to the padlock on my locker and opened the door. When I shut it, I did not expect to see the boy standing there, only a locker away glaring at me with such a fiery intensity in his eyes. I nearly gulped at the sight and took a simple step back away from him.

"Can I help you?" I asked simply, though my voice almost trembled making me sound vulnerable and intimidated.

"No. I don't think you can, because I don't think you get the picture. I told you yesterday to stick with your friends and leave me alone, but you don't know how to do that, do you?" he asked, getting closer. I looked away from him for a moment and then looked him straight in the eyes.

"I only sat by you yesterday because I wanted to help you." He laughed. He laughed. I looked at him puzzled. "What?" I questioned, not getting what was so funny here.

"You wanted to help me?" he asked in a disbelieving tone, stepping closer again until our faces were mere inches apart. "You wanted to help me.." he murmured, more to himself while shaking his head, the slightest hint of a smile playing at the corner of his lips. I tried to keep my eyes focused on his own, they were such a brilliant color. Gorgeous. I'd never noticed this about him before. I nodded slowly.

"Yes." My own voice, I noticed, was low and sounded very vulnerable now. He simply smirked and shook his head slightly. I let my eyes travel very slowly from his own down to his lips and quickly back up, hoping he hadn't noticed this. I was about to speak again, but found myself unable as his lips met mine in a soft, simple kiss. It took my brain only a second to register what he was doing before I was kissing him back and the kiss was deepened. I moved my hand to his hair and he was pulling me closer. I pulled away from the kiss and looked up at him flushed, remembering that we were still in the hallway of our school.

Before I had a chance to say anything to him, he turned quickly and walked out, leaving me to stand and wonder what had just happened. It took everything in my body to form coherent movements after the kiss I'd just shared with him, but I pushed my body away from my locker and marched out of the school after him. I wouldn't let him get away without at least talking to me first.

I walked at a quick pace until I was only a few feet behind him, thanking my natural instincts for choosing converse over heels today, and grabbed his upper arm.

"Stop." I commanded firmly. Probably a stupid thing for a girl like me to do. He might have looked frail and fragile, but I knew if he wanted to, he could turn around and with one square punch, knock me flat out. He stopped, though. He didn't turn around, he didn't move at all, he just..stopped. I let go of his arm and walked around him so that we were facing each other. He had his hood pulled up over his head and he was staring toward the ground so I couldn't see him that well. "Can you please look at me?" I asked.

"What do you want?" he asked, looking up, his tone once again cold.

"I want you to stop walking away from me and talk to me for once."

"Why?"

"Because." I crossed my arms over my chest and shifted, almost uncomfortably, from my left to my right foot. He raised a brow in anticipation. "Because, I want to know why you.." I trailed off and rubbed the back of my neck slightly.

"Why I what?" he asked, stepping closer again, taunting me. I was becoming vulnerable to him again and he could see it. This is what I was trying to prevent from happening.

"Why you k-kissed me." I said, stumbling over my words slightly. He smirked.

"Why'd you kiss back?" I looked at him and couldn't find words to reply. "You could have pushed me off or pulled away, but you kissed back." He stated, confidently. I didn't understand this boy. Sometimes he could be so inward and alone looking, and other times he was so arrogant and dominant.

"I got caught up in the moment..?" I said and it sounded more like a question even to me. He shook his head and turned away from. My immediate reflex was to reach out and grab his forearm. He hissed and jerked his arm away from me, turning to glare at me. The iciest glare I'd received from him, yet.

In that moment, I realized why he always kept to himself and why he was always so alone. I realized why he always wore the same hoodie in even eighty degree whether or hotter. This boy inflicted pain upon himself, most likely to get rid of pain, a deeper pain. I looked at him with apologetic eyes and I could tell he knew that I knew. His expression seemed to soften, so I reached out slowly and took his arm, carefully raising up the sleeve of his hoodie. I couldn't help the sharp intake of breath that I breathed in as I revealed long scars from deep gashes that had once been carved into his skin.

He looked away as I continued to examine his arm. It wasn't until I reached to gently trace my finger over one of the scars that he jerked away from me again and, this time, started walking away.

"Please wait." I called, walking after him again. I watched as he pulled his sleeve down harshly and continued to walk on. "Please." I said, stepping in front of him.

"Just go home and leave me alone." He said, turning colder again.

"No, I want you to talk to me. Tell me why you do this to yourself."

"You don't even know me and you wouldn't understand." He brushed past me to leave again.

"I can try." I said, helplessly, near defeat.

He stopped once more and turned around. We stood, looking each other in the eye for about two minutes of silence before he broke the eye contact, looking down at his shoes, and spoke, "My mother left when I was only three because she couldn't handle being a single mother. So I was left as an abandon three year old for nearly a month before anyone found me and turned me into the police." Just at these words, I could feel my gut twisting in disgust. How could a mother do that to her child? Her own flesh and blood?

"I was put up for adoption and from there it only got worse. My new mother was an alcoholic and a "dancer" at a night club and daddy dearest," he shook his head, "oh, he's a character." He got silent and I let my eyes roam his in silence. I could see the pain and agony that they held and I just wanted to reach out to him, but I also wanted to know the rest.

"Anything else?" I asked quietly, already knowing the answer.

"He encouraged her to go to that club every night because we needed the money, then when she got home late at night or early the next morning, he'd beat on her. Sometimes I felt sorry for her, because women don't deserve to be treated that way right? So I tried to step in. I was only about ten at the time. That only resulted in me getting twice as much as what she got," he looked down and shook his head at the memories that were, quite evidently, flooding back.

"One night, he walked out. I tried to talk her out of going back to the club and told her that she could get a job at the local super market or something, but she waved me off like it didn't matter. Like I didn't matter. After that I felt like she chose to be abused by him. If she wouldn't help herself, why should I try to help her? But that didn't end my beatings. He started drinking. He'd come home drunk or I'd come home from school and he'd be drunk. He'd-" he paused as his breathing was becoming shaky. He closed his eyes.

I stepped closer to him and placed a hand on his arm out of comfort. He looked up at me and I looked into his eyes, trying to reveal to him as much compassion as possible through my own. "What else?" I asked quietly. He took a deep breath and continued,

"He'd throw me into walls, knock me unconscious, he even cracked a couple of beer bottles over my head." I closed my eyes and looked away as images of damage happening to him were flooding through my mind. "That's not even the worst of it," he said, his voice seething with hatred for his so called father. I looked at him again. "Do you see now? Do you understand why I do this to myself?" he asked, indicating the horrific scars that I'd previously seen. "Do you get why I keep to myself and I don't let anyone, no one in? I don't trust anyone. I can't!" I looked at him mournfully.

"You can trust me." I said, my voice trembled and I could feel tears threatening my eyes. He shook his head and looked away, mumbling to himself, "I can't trust anyone. No one cares." I had to conjure up every ounce of courage in my body, but I'd managed it. I took a step forward and took either sides of his face in my hands and kissed him with a passion from deep within me. Once I pulled away from the kiss, I looked directly into his brilliant blue eyes, eye that hid so much pain for so long, and whispered softly,

"I care."