No More Cutting

No more cutting, Gerard. I thought we talked about this.

First of all, none of this was my fault. It was all you. You’re the one who decided life was worthless after the divorce. We all told you it wouldn’t last, didn’t we? That she was only using you for your fame? I mean, what half-intelligent girl wouldn’t do that, right? But enough about that. I’ve already talked to you about it and told you what I think. I just wanted to make sure you knew.

And I wish you’d stop accusing me of letting them know about it. I never told anyone. Why didn’t you trust me? You’re the one who was all paranoid and decided to ask the “hypothetical question” on that stupid blog of yours. Did you really think nobody would get it? You could’ve picked a more original name at least. Maybe something they wouldn’t recognize at all. But, seriously. You must be joking. “xoxo -g.” A blind, deaf, retarded quadriplegic could’ve figured it out.

You can’t tell me you were surprised when they all went crazy. “Our hero says it’s okay to cut, so we should too.” I mean, maybe they were all brainless for deciding to hang off of every word you said. Sure, you only did it once. But once was enough to set them off.

You can’t tell me you were shocked when that group of parents showed up at your front door like an angry mob. No, scratch that. They were an angry mob. They had worse than torches and pitchforks, you know. Guns are a little more dangerous.

And they told you to stop making their kids hurt and kill themselves, didn’t they? Yeah, now you remember. They cursed and yelled and…well, they almost killed you. Good thing I wasn’t out in the open when they decided to go after you. It’s your own fault for trying to live in a house like a normal person. You’re not normal. You never were. Stop trying to be something you’re not, Gerard. It’ll only make things worse.

And you ran to the only person you knew would help you: me. Never thought I’d be so important, did you? But no one else in the band was there, so you came crying to me. “They’re going to kill me,” you said. Well, lucky for you, they didn’t.

You did.

What, that doesn’t make sense to you, Gerard? Let me clarify it for you.

You were crushed because your whole life had fallen down around you. Your wife cheated on you and divorced you. Your CDs were destroyed, thrown out into the streets and burned. And instead of living by your own sentiment of “carrying on,” maybe making something of yourself and fixing your mistakes, you decided to take the easy way out.

And you were broken because they’d all done exactly what you told them not to. Because they stopped believing in you. Oh, they believed in you alright; don’t worry yourself about that. They believed in you so strongly that they decided to copy your every action, even if it meant going to the extreme. Yeah, a few stood up for you. But there’s always more strength in numbers, isn’t there?

I told you so. Don’t deny it; you know I’m right. This is entirely your fault. You’re just a weak, pathetic, useless waste of space anymore. You had the power to make the changes and get back on your feet. You could’ve done anything you wanted. You could have saved this band.

But you gave up.

And when I saw what kind of state you were in, I felt no sympathy. Oh, yes, I know I comforted you and perhaps let a few tears escape my own eyes, but it was all a lie. Here’s something you didn’t know: the others weren’t sorry for you either. No, all of us were sick of it, honestly. Your constantly depressing mood was wearing off on everyone, and people can only take so much of that before they decide to get away from it. Well, normal people at least. But you’re not normal.

Was I surprised when you tried to kill yourself in front of me?

No.

Was I amazed when you couldn’t drive the scissors any further because you didn’t really want to die?

Not at all.

Did I care when you looked up at me with that pathetic, pleading look, silently asking me to stop you?

Nope.

In fact, I decided to finish the job.

Because you didn’t just ruin your own life, Gerard. You ruined mine, too. All of our lives went down the drain because of you. Maybe we were too dependent on you. That was our mistake. But at least we weren’t the only ones. I should’ve seen you for how weak you were from the beginning. All the inspiring lyrics and heart-wrenching melodies? All the spoken lines onstage telling them never to give in? All the press conferences where you insisted you weren’t trying to make them hurt themselves and think it was the only way?

Lies. All of it.

Oh well. At least you’ve stopped cutting.

Then again, you’ve stopped breathing, too.